Living A Life Without You

Today I sit at the table and write to you again, I know you are no longer with me, you moved on. You will probably never read this letter and it will end up in the trash but I’ll still write, I may sound over protective or like I want you back. I really do, but how can you get someone back after what I did? I am writing this letter to you to say sorry, it’s all my fault. I should have been with you, not with him. Over the other side of the world, I told you I was sick but in reality I just needed to be with him for another day before seeing you. Yes, I was visiting my brother’s grave. But Now I’m visiting yours.


6. Maybe it's not Just another birthday

Sixteen finds me

I remember my sixteenth birthday. Dad was always away for work, dad wasn't hardly a part of my life. The thing is that I never saw him since I was 13. I hardly remember him, I don't have any feelings for him. No, I never really knew my father, he never was home, and when he came home which was once every 4 years he would ignore me. I last saw him on my 13th birthday, and I'll never see him again. His grave is located somewhere in Las Angeles while I grew up in England. Back when I was 16, I didn't understand why my dad was never home, I wished for him to be home. I wanted to see him again, but I remember the last time we talked. It was 2 years after Liam and I got together, I was 16 and a half. Dad did and said some things that I will never forgive him for. I think I realised something that day, I will and never will have a dad.
It's Just another Birthday, and I'll be fine


'Never' is another important word for me, if you say that something will never happen. I will believe you, but when 'never' happens. I realised that you lied to me.

Never is forever,
Forever is never,
All is broken,
All is lost.


On my 19th birthday I was pregnant with Sam. That was the day people realised I existed, and I didn't like the spotlight. I loved Liam and that was it, but I loved being wild. I was happy, I had all I needed. I had my Best friends, A fantastic boyfriend, A baby together and back then I had sisters. 'Mother' is another important word for me, it can mean so many things, from the woman who raises you and treats you right to anything else. She is the one who lights your day and kills the night. She pisses you off but she will always be your best friend.

Forever: Is how long she will stay your mother.
Never: Is what you told her as a kid.
Mother: Is what you call the one person who treats you like their own daughter.

It was the year I had lost my mother, it was the first year without her. I didn't enjoy that birthday, I wanted to be alone all that day, I never wanted to speak to anyone again, because the only person I wanted I could never speak to again. All that birthday all I wanted was my mother.
It's just another birthday, and I'm not fine

21. I simple number, well if you wanted to get real specific you could say it was 21 numbers or 2 put next to each other, but that's beside the point. I remember my little princess, Sam. She was my princess and I was determined to love her like my mother loved me, that love would be forever, because simply. My mother was the best mother anyone could have, she knew how to make everything better. She could help my right now and fill in the hole I've been digging in my heart and we could build on it, and she would make my heart rich and happy again.

Today is my 41st birthday and we'll be fine. Niall, Louis, Harry, Zayn, Sam, Jessica, John, Mitch and I. we'll be fine...

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