I Love You, I Love You, I Love You

Living with OCD is difficult. But, if it's possible, what's harder than living with it is finding someone able to live with it with you.

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2. Every Day

The alarm is ringing. I want to stop it, but it has to ring three more times. Three...two...one. Now I can turn it off. It is exactly ten minutes and twenty seconds past seven. Perfectly on time. Five steps to the light switch, and flick it on. No, that wasn't right. It didn't feel- perfect. Do it again. Turn it off, and on again. No, I've got it wrong, wrong, all wrong. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. Finally- on. 

It's twelve stairs in the staircase, I know there are. But I count them anyway. One two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve. No, wait. I miscounted. Skipped one, and added it. Back to the top. Slower, so I get it this time. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Yes, that's right. but it doesn't feel right. I have to do it, last time. Slower. 

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Done. I walk through the doorway, not forgetting to tap the door frame on the way to the kitchen, left, right. Open the cupboard. Close it again. Open it. The box isn't straight. Now it is. Close. Open. 

I pour the cereal into the same bowl as every morning. It has spots on it. I like it, because it has an even amount of spots. Five red, five blue, five green, five orange. None partly cut off or anything. Perfect

Now I'm ready to leave- almost. Getting out the door is the hardest part. Hall light off. Nope, on again. Off. On. Off. On. Off. I'm going to be late, but I can't- On. Off. On. Off. I open the door, right first time. Close it. Lock it. Check I've locked it. Check again. I know I'm going to be on time, everything is always on time. I'm sure I've done it wrong. Unlock it, lock it. Imagine if someone broke in... Unlock it, lock it. Break in. Unlock it, lock it. Check. Check. Check. And go. 

Key in the ignition. But wait, that didn't sound right. Can't hurt to try again. Take it out, put it in. there it is. But wait- did I lock the door? What if I didn't? 

No, it's locked. I can see it's locked. Now I can leave. Back into the car. Key in ignition. Key out of the ignition. In. Drive. 

I get to work, but I'm almost two minutes early. I wait, sit in the car. Wait for the clock to turn nine. There it is. I can go to work now. 

I think I'm safe, every night. That I'll wake up in the morning, and not have to check if the front door is locked over and over. Or that I will be able to flick the light switch, or open the cupboard, or pour the milk first time. But every morning, when I wake up to the alarm clock, I know that I have to wait. That it's not gone away. 

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