Always and Never

Ariel Tanner believed that love was nothing but an illusion, a sick prank your brain pulls on you. But when she meets Harry Styles she begins to question everything she has put together about love. This frustrating boy was the only truly genuine person she'd ever met. How someone like him could even exist blew her mind. Harry, on the other hand, was amazed at how closed off Ariel acted. He made it his mission to knock down the walls she'd built around herself, because behind the flirting and the sarcasm, he got a glimpse of a girl that he wanted to become as close as humanly possible to. But did he really want to know everything behind those walls?


57. Doctor

I did as I promised, and got up early in the morning. I got dressed, and drove to the hospital, only after wishing Harry good luck at his interview. Kate met me there.

“Have you felt sick today?” She asked as we walked through the front door. My appointment was scheduled for a half and hour from then.

“Once, after I woke up. But other than that I'm great...” I answered. I hated hospitals. They freaked me out. All the worst things happen in hospitals...

I filled out the form they gave me, asking Kate on a few of the questions. I found myself quite nervous once the doctor called me in. Kate sat in the room with us. First the doctor- a friendly looking man- asked me to go into the attached washroom and pee in a cup- there's another reason to hate hospitals. He gave it to his assistant, and then he began my check up.

He had to weigh me(139 lbs), and then check my height (5 foot 6 inches). Why? I don't know. It seemed completely pointless. Then he began to ask me questions. Symptoms.

“Uh, nausea. Vomiting. A few headaches... It all comes and goes.” I answered.

“It sounds like the flu... Have you had a fever? Have you been sweating a lot?” The doctor asked.

“No, no fever and no sweating.” I shook my head. His assistant returned then.

“Ah, here are the results to your test.” He smiled kindly. His assistant left. His brow furrowed as he read the results. Shit, I'm dying of a deadly disease aren't I?? I stared at Kate, panic stricken.

“It's OK.” She mouthed. I tried taking deep breaths.

“May I ask when your last menstrual cycle was?” He questioned. I began to do the math, when I froze.

“No.” I whispered. I was late. My period was a week late.

“Ms. Tanner, you're pregnant.” He smiled like it was a good thing. No no no no no. That wasn't possible. We used a condom. We used a condom. The doctor's smile faded as I lacked to respond.

“Do you have a support system at home? I assumed by your ring...” He trailed off.

“We aren't married yet.” I replied quietly. I avoided Kate's gaze, scared to see what was in her eyes.

“But he'll be supportive?” He asked, concerned now. I wasn't smiling. And I wasn't going to.

“Yes. I expect he'll be very, very supportive.” I mumbled, “Can- Can I leave now?” I jumped to my feet as the words left my mouth.

“Uh, of course. Though before you do, let me give you this quickly.” He insisted, beginning to ruffle through a drawer beside him. I waited impatiently, holding back tears. Kate came over to me, putting an arm around my waist. I still didn't look at her. The man handed me a packet of papers. About pregnancy. 

“Thanks.” I muttered, then burst out, walking as quickly as I could, I made if half-way across the parking lot when Kate grabbed my arm and spun me around to look at her. Her mouth opened to say something, but before the words were formed I was hanging on her neck, sobbing.

“I can't have a kid Kate! I just can't! Harry loves his job so much, but he's such a good person! He'd stay home and help me take care of a baby! I can't do that to him!” I cried.

“Shh. Shh. It'll be fine. Just calm down and give it some thought, all right? Shh.” She murmured, stroking my hair.

“We used a condom Kate! I don't deserve this! I'm only 19!!” I sobbed.

“Stop crying. Crying isn't going to help anything. You need to call Harry soon, and it's not going to help if you're crying.” She ordered. I wiped my eyes, trying to quit. She was right.

“I can't tell him.” I shook my head, “I need to leave, I need to get out of here. He won't know. I'm just going to disappear.” I continued. Each word ate at my heart.

“Ariel. That's not the right choice. You can't take care of a baby on your own.” Kate chastised.

“I'm not doing that to him. I'm won't burden him like that. Having a wife is enough stress.” I went on and on. Getting faster and louder.

“Listen! He did this to you! He deserves to bear half the burden.” She said loudly, causing others near us to look over. No, he doesn't. She was wrong. If I wouldn't have suggested that we have sex then he would still be waiting for me to be ready. And I wouldn't be knocked up.

“Stop Kate! Stop! I know what I'm going to do! I'm not going to ruin his life!” I exclaimed, stumbling the rest of the way to my car, “He has another interview in two days, I'll leave then.” I planned.

“You need to help me Kate. You can't give up on me.” I panicked further. Kate hugged me again quickly.

“I love you babe. I'll help as much as I can, no matter what.” She assured.

“I'll call you later.” I said, then climbed into my car. I drove most of the way home, but then had to pull over. I broke down, sobbing into the steering wheel. My thoughts flashed to the vodka in the cupboard, but I knew the rules. No alcohol. No soda. No coffee...

I suddenly felt sick again, but this time it wasn't the... morning sickness. Harry would be getting worried. I sighed, taking deep, slow breaths. Once I thought that I was calm enough to fake happiness over the phone, I dialed Harry's number.

“Hello beautiful. How'd the check up go?” Harry asked. In the quiet car, you could hear my heart crack in half at the sound of his loving voice.

It was going to hurt him, when I left. But it was for the best. A great guy like him? He'll be able to find a new girl, easy.

“I'm fine. It's just a long lasting bug. He said it should go away in the next few days. I'm not even contagious anymore.” I lied smoothly. Yeah, really long lasting. Like 9 months long. 

“Good! So you'll be healthy soon. I'll be home in about an hour, alright? I'll cook dinner tonight.” He suggested.

“Okay, that sounds nice.” I agreed, a small smile on my face.

“I'll see you soon Love.” He said quietly.

“I love you.” I murmured, tears beginning to stream down my face again.

“I love you too.” He replied, then hung up. I cried a little bit more, then drove home. I had to plan. I could only take one suitcase. The things that I needed.

I surfed my phone for flights that no one would guess I was on. Two days from now... Most were to the US... North Dakota. That's a small state right? Not very likely? Only 200 pounds for a ticket. Sounded good. I bought the plane ticket. One way.

Next an apartment. I searched for apartments in Fargo, the city that the airport was in. I found a cheap one. One bedroom, less money than my old one but bigger. It was quite the step down from where I lived now, but a step up from where I used to live. I could deal.

Okay, that took up a good chunk of my savings. I could make some more money if I sold my car... There was no way I could get it to America. I had good pictures of it from when I bought it. And it was still like new. I'd start at 7000 pounds, a bit high, but it's possible.

I got lucky, I got a call within the hour about my online ad. They agreed to meet me in two days. On my way to the airport I'd stop and sell them my car. Then I'll get a cab the rest of the way.

As I sat on the couch, bathing in hurt from the decision I was planning out, I decided to do something that I haven't done in a long time. The last time I did was... 7 years ago I think... I got down on my knees, and rested my elbows on the couch. My fingers laced together. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead to my hands.

Did I believe in God? Not really. But a part of me had to hope. I had to think that my dad ended up in a place like Heaven.

“Dad.” I whispered, my voice shook, “I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing. I'm scared. I'm so, so scared.” The tears began to flow. My words came out in sobs. “I'm sorry I turned out this way. I'm s-sorry I've hurt so many people. It's all my f-fault. Harry's going to be hurt, and it's going to be all m-my fault.” I had to take a few seconds to catch my breath. “I love him. Please help Harry forgive me. I miss you. I wish you were here. I would ask your advice. I love you dad.” That was when I broke down in sobs, unable to continue. It took all my strength to pull myself up onto the couch, where I only collapsed again, tremors taking over my body.

I checked the clock when I calmed down enough to think rationally. Harry was going to be home soon- so I couldn't start packing. No, I won't pack until right before I leave. I thought about what I'd pack... Clothes obviously. My nicer clothes, the newer ones. And the ones that have significant meaning. Then, I'll just bring my phone charger, a few bathroom things. And my snow globe, I thought, my eyes beginning to prickle. Harry said he'd be home in an hour and hour ago. He can't walk in on me like this... 

I quickly turned on Titanic and fast-forwarded to the end so that if he noticed my red eyes I'd have an excuse. I stuffed my phone quickly in my pocket when I heard the front door open. Harry snuggled up to me on the couch, and wiped a lingering tear from my cheek without a question. I cried a little more, trying to keep it appropriate for the movie. I wished we could sit there forever. I wished that this loving moment would never end. Most of all, I wished I wasn't pregnant.

Of course, the word abortion, floated around in my mind. Also, adoption. But I didn't believe Harry would support either, and honestly, I wouldn't. Harry made us dinner, while I sat in the living room, full of self-loathing. I hated myself, the child growing inside me. It shouldn't be there. We used protection dammit.

I ate the spaghetti Harry made slowly. Chewing every bite for at least 20 seconds. Harry must have just thought it was because I was tired and sick, because he said nothing about it. We cuddled in bed, in contact with each other all through the night.

I was going to miss his warmth, his embrace, his love...

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