You and I.

When 18 year old Alana gets an offer to move to London to be a choreographer for a famous British band she can't help but say yes. She then moves to London but goes not know that she's about to fall in love with a famous boy band member known as Zayn malik. How will the job make her life better but yet a living hell? Find out in this story! ;)

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35. Depression

hey guys so I'm really bored and can't sleep. It's like this slot of nights. This chapter might be really depressing. Something I never tell people. I'm pretty sure I'm bipoplar and if you don't know what that is then I'll tell you. It's almost like have mood swings but it's worst and can get to the point to the only way you can control it is medicine which I'm pretty sure I need. I don't wanna tell my mom though because she will think I'm just I crazy kid. I'm also pretty sure I'm depressed but hey no one cares about that they never have  never will. But anyways that's how I'm feeling and I had no one to tell so hey might as well be people o don't know. Judge me all you want as long as no one I know knows. So here's the chapter.

Alana's pov

*dream*

"SLUT" "WHORE" "UGLY FAT FREAK" " CRAZY ASS"

*end of dream*

I woke up around 9am. Hey I got like 4 hours of sleep better than I used to get. I don't know why but I think I'm having another mental break down. I used to have them all the time. The doctor called it Bipolar disorder and also depression. He gave me pills that I had to take like two of each medicine 3 times a day. Fun. I never wanted people to know so I took them to the bathroom or hid them. Yeah you may ask how did your parents and family not know. Yeah well one family member knew. Alex my older brother. He is 23. When this started he was 18 I was 15 it was a year before Lawson and Savannah you know died. The only people that know or have known: Alex he was the one that took me to my doctors appointments, Lawson and savannah they walked in on me taking the pills at school they thought they where drugs then when the found out they cried, and the only other two were Nathan of course i would tell my old boyfriend he freaking saw them too and my dance teacher she helped me get through it all. I felt myself getting better about a month before savannah and Lawson died an told the doctor. He laughed and said "sorry honey but it never goes away it get lighter but it never goes away". Well it got so much better I could say then the girls died and it got horrible. Then Alex and Nathan helped me and it got better then when Harry called me a whore I could feel a mental break down coming again. Last night was the first time I really seriously cried in awhile. I guess from so much crying you run low on tears. Well now here I am taking my pills again. Looking pale and skinny. Looking ugly, skinny yet fat, whorish, slutty, stupid,and miserable. I try to smile in the mirror. My dimples look smaller than usual. Probably because my smile is weak as my body feels as if it's shutting down. Now I could do a series of things right now to make me feel better. Slit my wrist,cry, judge myself, feel pitty, drink, smoke, and many more. Yeah you'd think the best to do would be cry, judge myself, feel pitty but no. I feel the easiest would be to drink or smoke. So I slip on some blue skinny jeans, a plain black sweat shirt, my black converse, and a snap back that says "it gets better".

I grabbed my phone and my purse and walked straight out the door. I walked down the cold and nearly empty streets of London till coming to a small liquor store. I walked in and grabbed a 6 pack of mikes lemonade (alcohol you might have never heard of) and went up to the counter and bought a pack of cigarettes and a new lighter. Then walked back to the house. When I walked in the boys were standing there looking worried. "What why the fuck are you staring at me" I snapped. "You smell or alcohol and cigarettes" Louis snapped. "Last time I checked you weren't perfect either.... Everyone has problems" I snapped back walking out on the balcony lighting a cigarette. Soon all the boys came out as I was opening on of my mike lemonades. I just ignored them. "Will one of you do me a favor" I asked breaking the silence. They nodded, "will one of you drive me to the airport at 2 to pick up my brother" they looked confuse then Zayn spoke up " yeah I will but I didn't know you had a brother". " well I do his name is Alex he's 23... He's my best friend too" I snapped. The others went in and Zayn stayed an sat next to me lighting him a cigarette. "What's wrong" he asked breaking the silence. "Nothing if you don't like me then back off" I snapped. He looked hurt "I don't like you" he started and I looked at him really fast with anger in my eyes "I don't like you because I love you" he finished and I felt better and relaxed. " what time is it" I asked. "1:30 probably should get going" I agreed and went up stairs added alittle makeup and fixed my Straightened hair that I did this morning. I also changed my sweatshirt into a long sleeved sweater that showed Alittle belly and cleavage. Then I changed my SnapBack into a black knitted beanie to match my black sweater and kept on my black converse and jeans.

When we got to the airport I instantly say Alex. " LEX" I yelled and ran to him and he caught me "AL" he yelled back. "I missed you" we both said at the same time. Then Zayn coughed way to ruin the brother sister moment Zayn.

Zayns pov

The guy she was hugging I'm guessing her brother had dirty blonde hair, blue eyes and was built a lot like Channing Tatum. I was kinda feeling jealous awkward and left out so I coughed and they both looked at me. "Um Lex this is my boy- I mean good friend Zayn" she started to say boyfriend but then I remembered I hadn't asked her to be my girlfriend yet. I mentally slapped my self then shook her brothers hand. "Hi am Zayn" I smiled. "Lol I know who you are you were only and still on my sis here's bedroom walls and have been since 2010 lol but anyways I'm Alex" I started laughing and winked at Alana she blushed how cute.

Alana's pov

When we got back home I introduced Alex to the boys and told them I would be back in a minute. When I walked up stairs I decided to do something stupid so Alex couldn't tell I was in pain. First i took my pills, them I walked into my closet and grabbed the tool box of my top shelf in my closet. I opened it and pulled out the little plastic baggy. And if your thinking it your right I'm smoking weed. It helps.

After I was done I walked down stairs and told them I needed 10 more minutes and walked outside with another mikes lemonade and started smoking a cigarette.

Zayns pov

"So Alex while Alana's outside I have a serious question for you about her" he looked at me and nodded. " has she ever had a past with all the sudden smoking and drinking like crazy" I asked. "There is a secret about her only 4 people on her like have ever know and you guys haft to swear to keep it" we all nodded. "First follow me outside so she doesn't hear" he told us. We walked outside and he started talking. "When Alana was 15 she told me she always felt weird and different. She had mood swings and couldn't control them. Id hear her crying at night. That's why I built the room in our parents garage that you could only get to through the garage so no one but me heard her crying at night. One day she asked me to take her to the doctor to get tested for things. The doctor diagnosed her with bipolar disorder and depression. She had to take two kinds of medicine three times a day. She didn't want anyone to know so we kept it a secret. Our parents treated her like shit for awhile an I felt bad. For a 15 year old that's a lot to go through. She ended up telling her boyfriend Nathan and her two best friends savannah and Lawson and they never told anyone. Then to make it all worst her boyfriend cheated on her and started dating her best friend with her permission of course. Then a year later Savannah and Lawson died. We both went through a lot. Them being her best friends and Lawson being my girlfriend. But mostly her. She started self harming and shuting everyone out. And the sad thing is a month before they died she went to the doctor thinking everything went away. He pretty much laughed in her face and told her it never goes away just gets better. It caused he to do stupid shit like smoking,drinking,drugs. I helped her through things. She quit dance and all he sports for a year and pretty much did nothing. I helped and got her on the meds again and she eventually got better. All the memories and scars probably haunt her. Words like whore,fat, slut, and things that would cause her too be insecure always caused her mental breakdowns" when he finished we were all in tears and when he said the thing about calling her a whore we looked at Harry. I felt so bad for her. We wet back inside to music blaring and a not only drunk but high Alana. We all looked at her puzzled and smothered her in a hug.

Alana's pov

"What did he tell you" I asked "everything" they answered. "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE YOU JUST TOLD THE ONLY FRIENDS THAT I HAVE THAT LOOK AT ME LIKE IM NORMAL AND NOT CRAZY OR A FREAK" I shouted and Alex went to the guest bedroom and said he was going to bed. I ran to my room, took off my clothes, and put on one of Zayns sweatshirts and laid down. Speaking of Zayn were is that boy. Then as I was thinking that in came Zayn and he laid next to me. I got up and took my pills. "Now that he told you might as well take them in front of you" I said. "He was just trying to watch out for you Al..... We want to help you.... In the meantime I have a question that I just realized I never asked you..... I love you so much and want to make you mine so Alana Grace Marine will you be my girlfriend" he asked me. "YES YES YES I THOUGHT YOUD NEVER ASK" I screamed and he kissed me slow and passionate. Then we went to bed.... This boy will be the death of me.

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