To Far Gone

Its hard to be positive in a world like this. In a world where chaos rules over hope. Where killing your best friend is easy. When you watch your little brother be torn apart by a pack of hungry dogs and can only shrug your shoulders, wipe the tears from your eyes and walk away. Its hard, really hard. Especially when all I see is death and decay. When everybody is to far gone.


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I wake to a bare bed and I start to freak out straight away. It feels like someone was squeezing my heart tightly with their fist. I quickly scramble out of the tent, looking around for Ryan franticly. I only find an empty camp.  My breathing gets faster and harder and the fist around my hear tightens and I release a sob, panic rising from me like boiling water, slowly getting hotter and bigger, smothering me and my thoughts. 

All I can think of is that he was there last night and I know it because I had fallen asleep in his arms, as he stroked the small of my back lightly. I remember his hot breath on the back of my neck when I woke up in the middle night, startled from a nightmare. I remember how he had pulled me closer and had told me that everything was okay.

I run circles around the camp, my eyes only seeing blurred shapes. I was crying hard and all I felt was numbness. He couldn't be gone. I scream his name and my voice sounds strangled and broken. I had no idea where is was and why he left me ... again. I sit down on a rock and put my head in my hands and push the heels of my hands into my eyes, somehow I think that maybe it would push my tears back into my head and stop the insane amount of panic rising in me. 

I cant help but think the terrible thought. The thought that yesterday when Ryan came back to camp and he held me and told me that everything was going to be alright, I cant help but think that Ryan was never really there.

For so long i could not sleep at night because every time I closed me eyes all I saw was the outline of his motionless, blood covered body and those "things" tearing them apart. All I could hear was his ear piercing screams of agony.  So I still can not help but wonder if my boyfriend really did die that day or if he really was alive and he really did hold me last night. 

I call his name again, this time louder but sounding more distraught. I am suddenly filled with anger and i stand on the rock quickly, my hands shaking so hard I have to grip my jeans to steady them. 

"Why Ryan?!" I scream to nobody but the mindless dead outside the fence, who hopelessly are still trying to make their way in, "Ryan, Ryan come back, come the fuck back!" I run down off the rock, giddy with anger. Throwing my arms in the air, "You leave me again, you worthless son-of-a-bitch!" 

All of a sudden all the anger inside of me is replaced with a surge of grief and my knees crumple underneath me and I collapse into the dust.  "I loved you so much Ryan, I love you so much" I sob , my body quaking with each cry that come from my throat, "come back...please..."

And suddenly he is there in front of me, arms around me again. I am okay now, I am okay. He whispers in my ear and holds my head with his big, strong hands into his shoulder. I watch my tears fall slowly onto his shirt and he pulls me in closer. I grip the back of his shirt tightly until the fist around me heart releases and I can pull back and look into his dark, serious eyes. 

"I heard you screaming for me Grace but I was outside the fence and.." I interrupt him and press my mouth tightly to his. I kisses me back, twice as hard. He is just as strong and powerful as he always was but he grips my waist firmly and he is warm and gentle. Passion courses through me as he shifts his hands around to my back as he lifts his hand up, under my shirt. His hands are rough and cold on my skin. I sigh against his neck and he kisses me lightly on my collar bone, he kisses all of my scars softly and I wrap my arms around his neck tightly. I pull myself so close to him that I can hear his heart beating in his chest and his breaths are my breaths and I am his and he is mine. 

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