“I’m sorry, but I never actually believed in love”

Our Insecurities get the best of us.
Our fears limit us.
Our obsessions Outcast us.


10. Nine




I wake up panting and jump out of Matt’s bed, I look at the bed to check that I hadn’t woken Matt up. However, he wasn’t in bed. He wasn’t in the room entirely. Great, you even scare your best friend. I shake my head and sit on his desk and I try to catch my breath. I pulled down the long sleeved shirt Matt gave me yesterday to cover my arms. I bet he saw them and bolted. No, no he didn’t see them! No! I felt dizzy, out of breath. I need some air. I run out on his balcony and fall on my knees, hugging myself. Comforting myself.

“Iris?” I hear Matt’s voice, but I’m caught up in my little all, I want him to leave me alone, I want to push him away. But I also want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything is going to be okay. It won’t, why do you want him to lie to you?

Shut up!” I yell and my hair curtains my face as I hug my knees.

“What? Iris are you okay?” He says sitting down next to me.

“No! not you! I’m talking to- “and I burst out laughing, then I start crying. Matt decided to wrap his masculine arms around me.

“shhhhhh.” He whispers into my hair and pulls me closer.

We sit there for a while, I stop crying and just enjoy how he cares about me. We watch the sunrise together silently. Everything is silent. All I hear is the faint sounds of birds and Matt’s heartbeat.

“We should go, go to your house and get you some clothes. I’ll stay with you, I promise.” He says and stands up.

“Okay.” I say and I jump into his bed and grab my phone, two missed calls. One from Jared, and one from Roxy. Roxy. Great that adds more anxiety to today. You could kill yourself and get it over with.

“Ready?” he says and pushes his hand out for me.

“I like green on you.” I say and grab his hand. He pulls me a little too hard and I fall into his chest. Then we walk downstairs, Matt’s parents were still asleep, it was way too early. I put my shoes on and hold all of my now dry clothes. We walk out and hop into Matt’s car. I appreciate how he gives me silence to think, but I also hate him for it.

“Okay, do you want me to come up with you?” he asks pulling into the drive way. I just nod.

The front door is locked so we used the back one.  My mom had fallen asleep in the living room, but I don’t care. We walk up to my room, Jared is sleeping in my bed. I try not to wake him up and walk to my closet, picking out a shirt, shorts and a jacket, my boots were downstairs.

“Iris?” I hear someone call.

“Go back to sleep Jared.” I say trying to sound sweet.

“Where were you?” he asks getting out of bed and walking towards me.

“I went to Matt’s baby bro.” I say and I want to turn away, but he wraps his arms around me. He’s taller than me, last time we hugged he reached my shoulder. I hug him back and inhale his scent. I feel my eyes sting.

“I love you sis.” He says and pulls away and walks out of my room.

“I love you too,” Too late.

I change my clothes and straighten my hair, I decided to pull on a beanie.  I applied very light make-up but I had bright red lipstick on. I walked into my room, Matt was checking my bookshelf, I needed to thank him. I walk around and hug him from behind. “Thank you.”

We walk downstairs, I pull on my boots, grab my keys and we walk outside. Matt offered to drive me, I told him that that was the plan and we laughed. When we got into his car he turned on the radio and we started singing along to the corniest songs ever. Then I realized we were going to drive next to Roxy’s house. My palms start sweating and I stop singing.

“Isn’t that Spencer’s car?” Says Matt turning the volume down.

“Yeah, it is.” I say and Watch as Roxy jumps into Spencer’s car, she hugs Spencer and then notices us, me mostly and she pulls out of the hug hastily. What’s between those two?  I don’t know.

“What happened with Spencer and Jane?” I ask Matt and look at him. He chuckles.

“Jane and I are doing okay, Spencer is being a bitch. I’m not exactly into Spencer anymore.” He says and looks at me.

“You’re doing okay?” I ask.

“We’re fighting a lot.” He says and I know that I shouldn’t ask anything anymore. Mind your own business, idiot.

We reach school and Spencer parks next to us. Smile, stand up straight, hold your head up high. I did. Matt ignores them and I do the same and follow him. He says he has first period and that he’ll see me at lunch. I don’t have first period so I head to the field.

“Your ignoring me.” I heard someone say from behind. Roxy.

“No shit Sherlock.” I say and take a sip from my juice box. She sits in front of me, I’m irritated, but excited.

“All of this because I’m hanging out with Spencer?” she says and puts a hand on my knee, Pull away! Now! I don’t want to but I do. She looked hurt and kept her hands to herself.

“You honestly think I’m that stupid? That childish?” I say and I dare to look her in the eyes. “Go away Roxy.”




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