Change Your Life

“Holy shit,” I breathed out, feeling sick with excitement and nerves. Louis Tomlinson was in our hotel... Co-authored by Lozza (author of Laura's POV) & MisfiredSynapse (author of Kate's POV).


31. Kate's POV

*warning, self-pity and self-deprecation abound.*

I’d cried all the way to the train station. Stupid, stupid, stupid… the word echoed in my ears and one half of me knew that if I turned back now, if I ran back and begged Niall to forgive me he probably would. But the other half knew that I’d just broken something that would be very hard to fix. I felt the eyes of the world upon me, judging me, whispering that I was a coward, stupid, fool, a horrible person… nobody looked my way but I still felt as though they were.

My skin prickled. My eyes burned. I managed to hold it together as I walked towards my platform and found a thankfully half-empty seat. Collapsing upon it, I tried not to look at anyone and begged them not to look at me. I couldn’t handle talking. People would ask, wouldn’t they? Girl in a party dress crying at a train station… people were bound to ask. Stupid girl… stupid, stupid girl… Someone coughed nearby, and I could hear someone a bit further away playing music without headphones. A familiar tune… I glanced up, my eyes seeking out the tween in a white hoodie and her long-suffering father.

“And I can lend you broken parts

That might fit, like this,

And I will give you all my heart

So we can start it all over again…”

I moved away. The last thing I wanted to hear was their voices. His voice. The words wrapped around my heart like a lasso, dragging the shattered shards against my ribcage until I couldn’t breathe properly. I couldn’t get far enough away to make the music go away. It grew louder the further I went. All in my head. It’s all in my head…

Fishing in my pocket, I found a handful of loose change to get into the loo. It was blessedly empty. I ran the cold water over my hands, watching my skin turn pink, then rubbed my face to try and banish away the puffiness. I was still red-eyed and looked as bad as I felt- well, no, that wasn’t quite true. I was guilty as sin but I looked pathetic. My reflection didn’t look nearly as guilty as she should.


Niall didn’t deserve me. He was far too good to be tied down to someone like me. He deserved someone who could love him wholeheartedly, no fears, no qualms, no nervousness. No reservations. Someone who would hold his hand in public without feeling like she wanted to puke. Someone who would kiss him in front of cameras and not spend every second wishing the ground would swallow her up.

And me? Well. I had flaws in the hundreds; I was lazy, I was selfish, I was moody, I was indecisive, I was insecure and I sure as hell was not comfortable enough in my own skin to love someone else. All I could offer Niall was a bundle of self-esteem issues, bad jokes and the constant desire for approval from everyone while simultaneously shunning exposure like the plague.

But I did love him. I loved him so much I didn’t know how to handle it. I loved him so much I couldn’t hold it all inside and in telling him that, I had let Niall Horan into a part of my heart that hadn’t been touched by anyone ever before. I’d given Niall a piece of me that I would never, ever get back. I didn’t want it back. I could give him that piece of me but I couldn’t face his reaction to it- to me… I’d lead myself on, believing that I wouldn’t do this to Niall, that I wouldn’t get cold feet and want to run… like I had.

I had run. Running had felt like tearing off my own arm. The guilt was settling on my stomach like a stone and the regret stomped all over my heart. I shouldn’t have run. I know I should never have left, not the way I did. I could have done it better. I could have waited, I could have told him earlier, I could have done everything differently.

Could I go back now, though? Was I brave enough to face whatever consequences came my way? Anything that happened from here on out was entirely my fault. Culpability was my new middle name…

The door swung open and a curly-haired girl walked in and headed for the mirror. The girl looked at me and I took a deep breath, preparing to head back out for the train. Any minute now, I’d be on it and surely, being out of London would calm me down. Enough to call him… or Laura… or anyone. Zayn, even. Tell them I was okay… that I would come back. Tomorrow. In the morning. Everything looks better in the morning.

God, I’m so stupid.

“Um…” a small voice caught my attention. Looking down, the curly-haired girl was smiling shyly at me and she waved. There was something in her expression that pre-warned me to be nice… so I smiled and waved back, feeling sick as I did so. I shouldn’t be acting like I’m fine, like I’m blameless. Stupid, stupid girl, can’t even face him… “Are- are you Katie?” the girl asked me, stepping forward when I nodded.

“Hi, honey,” I croaked out, horrified at the sound of my own voice. I cleared my throat, put on a better smile, and tried to relax. The last thing I wanted was for a rumour to start about me crying in the loos at London Bridge. Better be nice. Be normal. “How ya doing?” I asked, as the girl beamed and her confidence made her light up.

“I can’t believe it’s really you!” she clapped her hands and squealed, the sound echoing. She shrank at the sound and gave me a sheepish look. “Sorry…”

She was utterly adorable. And a distraction. Just looking at her made me feel like my problems couldn’t touch me here… how selfish was that? Using a girl who couldn’t have been fourteen and a day to pull myself away from my own shortcomings as a human being. “It’s okay,” I replied soothingly, and just like that, she perked right up again.

“I’m Paige,” she stuck out her hand and I shook it politely, her skin warm against my cold, still damp hands. “Is Niall here with you?”

Oh, his name stung. It had barely been an hour and already I was regretting my decision. But the longer I left it, the harder it was to slink back and admit I was wrong. A small part of me knew that if I didn’t go back tonight, I’d likely never see him again. “No,” I managed to say, shrugging my shoulders. “I’m on my own.”

Paige’s face fell a little. “That’s a shame,” she said, and cocked her head. “Can I tell you something that might sound weird and possibly creepy?”

I bit my lip to stop a smile. “Does this weird and possibly creepy thing involve a tumblr blog?” I asked. Paige flushed a deep red and nodded, not meeting my eye. “Brilliant, do go on.”

“Seriously?” her jaw dropped and for a second she looked like she regretted saying anything at all. Just when I thought she might change the topic, I actually saw her think ‘screw it’ and she launched into an animated description of a Kiall blog she ran with two friends, which was full of pictures and edits and I sort of stopped listening at that point, because my mind was preoccupied with thinking that random people on the internet actually thought Niall and I were good together.

I’d avoided most of the internet just in case of negativity, and thus had no idea what people thought of us. My head span, and Paige still kept talking, key words filtering through my foggy brain and hitting my battered heart.

Love, good together, so sweet, perfectly matched, true love, OTP…

Stupid, stupid girl…

Perfectly matched…

“Kate?” Paige stopped, picking up on my blank face. “I got weird, didn’t I? I always do this, I screw things up, and then I-“

I lunged forward without thinking, pulling her into a tight hug. She squirmed a bit then settled, hugging me back and laughing in confusion. I didn’t know what I was doing either. I didn’t like hugging much to begin with but this girl, this girl… “Paige,” I mumbled as I pulled away to look her in the eyes. “Thank you, thank you so much.”

“For what?” she asked, baffled, as I fumbled for my phone and shoved it at her, the new contact screen already up and present. “You want my… what have I done?” Paige keyed in her number despite the bemusement on her face and I fairly snatched the phone back.

“You,” I pointed at her, shaking my finger and feeling my entire body lighten. “You've opened my eyes, Paige. Thank you!”

She still looked baffled when I fled the bathroom. I pulled up Niall’s contact page and hovered over the call button… before slamming cancel. I couldn’t do this over the phone. I needed to see him, in person.

And if it was the last time I’d ever see him, well… at least I’d be able to live with myself afterwards.

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