The Crazy One's

"I wake up every morning, expecting something, everything...anything. I expect something to change within me, for once in my life to wake up with a smile on my face.
Has it happened? Will it happen? Probably not. Everyday instead of finding something positive, I just, sink deeper. Deeper into the corners of my walls. No one knows it, but each day i’m falling in deeper, and getting darker. Some people say depression is all fake. That he, or she isn’t exactly that sad or in occasion, that suicidal. It’s just a seek for attention. Others, use it’s technical term..or as I say it the google term. De·pres·sion (diˈpreSHən) A Severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy How technical. How dept.; How precise. "

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1. Prologue

 

I wake up every morning, expecting something, everything...anything. I expect something to change within me, for once in my life to wake up with a smile on my face. Has it happened? Will it happen? Probably not. Everyday instead of finding something positive, I just, sink deeper. Deeper into the corners of my walls. No one knows it, but each day i’m falling in deeper, and getting darker. Some people say depression is all fake. That he, or she isn’t exactly that sad or in occasion, that suicidal. It’s just a seek for attention. Others, use it’s technical term..or as I say it the google term. De·pres·sion (diˈpreSHən) A Severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy How technical. How dept.; How precise. We wake up every morning with a thousand thoughts buzzing in our mind like bees. We wake up and its as if a million winds come and punch us in the gut. Living like this is like living in a horrible storm. It starts off with a raindrop or two. Then it ends up pouring outside, each second raining harder and harder. It then begins to drizzle and slowly it stops. And just when you think you can step out of your comfort zone and go for a walk. It begins to pour, this time carrying its winds and knocking you to the ground. Kicking you around. Bruising you until you’re black and blue. Mentally and Physically. It swallows your insides, fogs your mind. Causes you to think irrationally, or at its worse times. Not think at all. They say the worst is when you’re detached completely No talking. No interacting. No socializing. No. It’s the worst when you act like everything is fine. You go to work, or you go to school with a smile plastered on your face. You joke around, even maybe laugh at others jokes. You act like life’s great; and everybody believes you, they go on with the act; and when you get home, it’s like you just shutdown completely. You breakdown, and feel like crap. Empty. Worthless.You cant describe the pain you’re feeling. You can’t describe  what you’re seeing. You can’t do anything. You’re out of reach, with no one to help you out. Here I sit on my bed. My knees propped up against my chest. My laptop at arms reach. My fingers touching my keyboard as I write each word. So many thoughts fighting in my head. Am I ok? Will I be ok? I don’t know. I don’t 100% know. But sadly, I can truthfully say; I don’t think I am or will be. The saddest thing of all is; Nobody knows. Nobody suspects. Because either 1. I’m just that good of an actor or 2. nobody actually cares. Although in reality, I don’t have a choice. We all know its number two.

 

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