Jump - Larry Stylinson

The day Harry decided to jump from the bridge was the day he found his happiness.

WARNING: May be a trigger - contains selfharm and suicidal behaviour.

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1. Key to life

 

 

The day Harry decided to jump from the bridge was the day he found his happiness.

Harry was sitting in his car 50 meters away from the bridge. Tears running down his face, looking down at the scars on his wrist. One for letting people down, one for his existence, one for being gay and one for caring about the wrong people. He remembers the story behind every single scar, even though all he wants is to forget.

Harry convinced himself that the tears in his eyes was happy tears, because today his pain would finally end. He would no longer be able to hurt people or himself.

For the last time, he took the razor out of his pocket and slid it down his wrist. One for being a coward. One more time. One for fucking everything up. And one last time, one last time of feeling pain. One for deserving this. 

With shaking hands, he opened the car door and stepped out of his car. He took one last glance on the passenger seat where his suicide letters to his mother, sister and best friend, Niall, was placed.  He could feel the tears streaming down his cheeks of the thought of leaving those three people, but he had to do it. He couldn’t keep hurting them time after time, then he’d rather hurt them this one last time.

As he started to walk away from the car, the bridge came closer and closer. 45 meters. 40 meters. 15 meters. 7 meters. Suddenly, he was standing on the middle of the bridge. He didn’t do anything; he was just standing there, taking on last look on the skies, the nature, the birds, the water. In this moment, and just for this moment, the world actually seemed like a beautiful place to be. Everything seems so beautiful on the surface. Like, the heaven doesn’t look like a place for people who used to live, and the water doesn’t seems to be something you could drown in. People doesn’t seems like they could hurt you, and your mind doesn’t seems like a place, where you could get lost. Everything beautiful has a monster inside.

“What does it feels like?”, a voice from behind interrupted Harry’s thoughts. The voice was soft and calm, and when Harry turned around to see who the voice came from, he was met by blue as and a small smile.

“What does what feels like?”, Harry asked as he wiped his tears away with his sleeves.

“Wanting to die?” How did he know that Harry wanted to?

“Like drowning, but no one hears your screams.  You just have to learn how to swim on your own, and you god damn can’t do that”, Harry almost yelled, not because he was mad at the stranger, but because he was mad at the world.

“I can be your lifeboat, you know? I could save you from drowning?” the boy said, as he moved closer to the railing where Harry was standing.

Harry just wanted the blue eyed-boy to leave, so he could leave this world once for all. He was tired of being a living dead.

“Why do you even care?”

“I don’t know, but I do. Do you know what I see, when I look at you? I see a beautiful, beautiful curly haired-boy with scars and cuts on his wrist and his soul. I see these amazing green eyes filled with sadness, reflecting a broken heart too. I don’t even know your name, and I don’t want to, because if you jump today, I’ll never be able to hear whatever-your-name-is, without blaming myself for letting you jump”, he blurted out, but Harry lost it at “beautiful”. He’s never been called beautiful before, especially not by a stranger. He’s been called a lot like “faggot” and such, but never anything positive.

“I’ve been going through a hell for a long time; I deserve to go to heaven now. I’ve tried to fight against myself, I really have, but I can no longer be saved. Walk away, please. I deserve this”, Harry started out with yelling, but it ended as a whisper. He fell to the ground, arms around his knees, and then he broke down. “I deserve this”, he cried. “Let me die.”

The stranger didn’t say anything, he just sat down on Harry’s side, and held his arms tight around the crying boy, trying to protect him from everything bad in the world. They sat in that possession for a while, just forgetting the world and crying.

“I’m Louis”, Louis finally spoke, when Harry wasn’t crying so hard anymore. Harry couldn’t find his voice, so he just nodded against Louis’ chest. Then there was silence again.

This was everything Harry needed right now. He just needed to be hold, and just feel that someone cared. For one moment, Harry didn’t want to die. It was strange, because how could Louis just change that? But that moment was over fast, and he was back at wanting to die.

“Just live for the moment, everything else is uncertain” Louis told Harry. “Just last one day, and then one after that, and before you it you’re a 40 years old happy man with a beautiful wife and kids, and then all the struggling was worth it”.

Harry let a humorless laugh out of that. “I’m gay”, he just said, because it didn’t matter anymore.

“Then you’ll find a handsome man, if you please”, Louis said through his smile. Louis had a nice smile. It was cute and childish, but it reached his eyes every time, so Harry knew that Louis was truly happy in life.

Harry untangled himself from Louis, and without looking at him one last time, he again stood by the railing. This time he climbed on the top of it, ready to jump. There was a long way down and the water looked cold and mysterious. “I have to do this”, he whispered to himself.

“No, you don’t. Listen, please. I care, I do. If I had met you under other circumstances, I would still have cared about you, I just know. I tend not to care about people, but you’re different. You can choose to live or to exist, and you just exist right now, but I really want to help you live. I swear to God, I’m not just going to let you down after today, I’m going to help you find your happiness, and I’m sure as hell is going to be your friend. I need someone too, and maybe everything we need is each other? There’s a crack in every darkness, and that’s where the lights comes in. What if I’m that light?” Louis stopped talking for a second, just to see if Harry had just in the meanwhile. He hadn’t.

“I like to imagine death being like a meaningful song: Beautiful. I like to imagine that as you approach the end of your life you experience cherished memories of your life and you see the faces of every person that made an impact on it as you fall into your eternal slumber. That’s what I want your death to be like. I want you to die happy and peacefully, when you’re old. I want you to experience life and make new friends and memories on your way. It’s going to be hard, but I’ll be right by your side, okay?”

Silence.

 

Silence.

 

Silence.

 

“Okay”.

 

For the first time in a long time, Harry actually smiled truly. 

 

 

A/N: Should I make a part 2? Like, where you can see what happens after that, or should it just have this open ending? Leave a commeeeeeent, thank you.

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