It's Just a it's not

Just a thought rambling through my head. Nothing special enough to make the front page. Just me and my mind.


1. The only chapter

          June 2013. It’s a Saturday. The day he came back from camping. I was thinking of starting this back when the New Year started but, it just wasn’t making sense. I still explain everything anyway. But whatever. Well next year I enter into high school, lucky me. I’m so glad middle school is over though. Worst three years of my life and I’m pretty sure most people would agree with me on that one. I mean seriously those are the years where people hit puberty and then they think they’re in love and so many people end up becoming so emotional and complain about a broken heart and whoop-de-doo we’re all involved in one way or another. Don’t get me wrong though, there are still the upsides to middle school and some good memories included but it doesn’t always happen like that for everyone. You have your popular group where one runs the whole crowd, weather they know it or not, Rosalind *cough cough*, and then there are the wannabes and the crowd followers. And then the plain old nothings who just fill the school halls and classrooms. But anyway I’m boring you to death cause I haven’t heard you laugh yet, which is one of the things I miss most about you. Well I’m getting ahead of myself.

          The name’s Kate. Kate Tarantino. Anna is my middle name which completes the acronym, and my nickname, KAT. Sometimes I’m even called Katie-Kat, but only you called me that. Gosh I gotta stop that. Ok so June. It’s 2013 and I’m flashing back to the school year. I remember when a new kid visited school a week or two before Christmas break. Haha he looked freaked as heck. We could’ve acted crazier but I told them to hold it back a notch. Of course later on we found out how much he was just like us. Crazy as heck, clown of the century, cheesy jokes and smiles, what else didn’t say we accepted him? And then there was Elijah. Gosh it was like he hated that kid before an hour was up. But I gotta admit the new kid didn’t say the best things on the first day and for a while after that. But Elijah still didn’t have to be a jerk to the kid like he was. Elijah and I aren’t on the same page like we used to be. It’s crazy how much a person and your relationship with them can change, even within a few months. I guess that was my fault, and Owen’s too. But things just aren’t the same anymore even if it was someone’s fault or not. People just change right in front of you and all you can do is stand there helplessly watching your closest friend slip away and into the arms of another person. It sucks but it’s the truth. *Sigh* I’m rambling again. So much for getting back on track.

          Miles. Miles James Ford was the kid’s name. And for the first few weeks he fit right into the puzzle but there was still a little part that just wouldn’t click. Elijah was still at it. Showing his dislike in more ways than one. Maybe it was him. But he did a well enough job “trying” to accept Miles and put up with him, so maybe not. Maybe it was how easily Miles just slipped right in and joined the loud crowd. It happened so fast we weren’t comfortable with this stranger who just popped up like he had been there forever. But I think it was him personally. I don’t know, that’s just my thought honestly. He had some traits that took quite some getting used to, but everyone does so I don’t blame him. Other than the broken end, Miles was the missing piece. The missing link. Hah. Which means he’s a monster not an alien. Congrats. Well not a monster to us. I’m so bad at jokes but you didn’t get it so whatever. Anyway…

          The first time I saw Miles, I fell in love with those eyes. One of the richest browns I’ve ever seen. Though he was also tall. Dang, I’ll still have to feel short. But I’m taller than Joy so score one still. Oh and then that innocent smile. I remember that. (So of course when he popped the question I was shocked. Hey it would’ve worked out for a little, but you know, parents. He bugged me about talking to them about it and not giving them the option of no. Of course my parents are not the easiest people to talk to. But this all later in the story). Anyway, that innocent smile showed when Miles threw a pen at Sarah. Boy was she mad, but that wasn’t my main interest. Hah. But none of this matters of course! Unless you want to hear more about him…… Didn’t think so.

           Suddenly it’s two weeks to the end of the block. Meaning Scouts Adventure Camp coming up. I couldn’t wait. No one could. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a scout’s adventurist in the least. I just took it cause doing school instead of that for another seven weeks…uh uh. It was kinda fun going outside and going camping but having to do team activities was a little just downright horrible and annoying. Some people just lost it when it was a hard challenge. It drove me up the walls, but I guess you wouldn’t know how that feels or what it does to me.

          Adventure Camp starts. Yay.

          It’s supposed to be everything you thought it would be and yet, it’s not. At all. It was pretty disappointing at first but eventually you got used to it. Things were going fine. Owen was out of my hair for the most part, the jerk that he was. Sometimes I really wondered why I was falling for him. He still wanted to talk and say hi and text and everything else but, it just wasn’t happening for me. I feel bad for what happened after Christmas break but, that’s in the past, forget it. Oh yeah and then Caleb had to add to the pile. Oh man that was stupid. What was I thinking? That he’d magically become my best friend? Not when he acts the way he does. No. I don’t even know what happened. He could’ve just… ah whatever gotta put that behind me too.

            Adventure Camp Again. Smooth as peanut butter until someone decided to throw peanuts in there and chunk up the whole business. *Sigh* Miles enters the scene again. It started as dare. Then it was a question. Then it was real! Like woah… I feel bad cause I thought he was joking about being mad. But he wasn’t. And then I was in a hole. I didn’t want to tell him flat out no because I felt the same way but, saying yes… I told him no. Like not now. What else was I supposed to do! I would’ve put myself in a position I didn’t want to be in. I would have been stuck between two with only the one way out. But I just couldn’t believe it. This whole time he was lying about her. But he also had everyone, even me, convinced that it was Rosalind first. No one knew except me now. Did that seriously just happen? Yeah it did. Oh man, oh man, oh man. What the heck am I gonna do?! That’s when he infected me*(*I couldn’t stop thinking about him no matter how hard I tried. I’m stuck in this continuum. Like Doctor Who. *Sigh* Oh boy…) After that it was like, like it felt like it was something... I don’t know! I almost lost it. And then I was confused because after that he still went back to convincing everyone it was Rosalind. And of course when something like that happens to you, you feel betrayed almost. Like everything he said was just a whims. Then life is a merry-go-round. Bottom line. You thought, because of what he told you, that you finally had someone who cared. But people talk and actions show. So then because you pretty much told him no, he gets ticked and then boom its like forget it. But when you didn’t know he was shutting you out on purpose, it makes you feel stupid and dumb. Eventually he apologizes and that’s the moment you realize how blind you have been.

            It tears you apart and yet you keep holding on. You hold on because there’s a part of you that says, “Maybe he’s telling the truth. Maybe he does after all. Maybe he’s just waiting for you to miss him.” Well maybe I already do and there’s nothing I can do about it. Forget it. But I can’t, because there’s still that little beam of hope waiting for… waiting for it to be true. But I doubt it sometimes, I do. After reading all these stories seeing the way people in real life betray each other and treat each other, it really makes me wonder. I’m tired of going back and forth in my head I’m tired of sitting on this merry-go-round. I want to get off! I would…if I could.

           Then I told his secret. What’s the point of my word if I can’t keep it? I felt terrible when I did it, twice actually, and I still do. I wish I could just keep my mouth shut sometimes. Like about Keith. That was so dumb I don’t even… *Sigh* Whatever. Who knows what I’m thinking anymore. I don’t even know if I’ll end up giving this to you. I want to but, I don’t.

          By this time, you should know who you are in this story that is very poorly disguised. But I’m writing this because it’s helping clear my mind or it’s kinda like my journal sometimes. And I guess I’m trusting you with this. If I end up giving it to you… in the end. I don’t know why I’d give this to you though because you know all of this already… accept the personal thoughts I’ve put in as the journaler. But you might not know those… if this never reaches you. I’m really stabbing in the dark here. I don’t know what I’m trying to accomplish here. I’m just rambling all the thoughts out of my head. All at once. And I’m giving them to you. Maybe. I can’t decide. Do you want this? No…maybe not. Who knows.

          But I told his secret and I’m sorry. I’m always beating myself up about something and wishing I could go back and tell myself to not do things. Like that Taylor Swift song, fifteen.

          And the thing that sucks is that I won’t be here for your birthday or mine either. I’ll be with my other family and I’ll be missing you and then when I come back I’ll be missing them. Nothing is ever right. No matter where I am, I’m always missing someone. Always. And it sucks because I want to be able to see them all at once. I feel like such a grouch right now. And now I’m making myself sad thinking about all of this. But you know what’s going on in my head now. Right? Either way works… Whatever.


          You know that time you said never talk to your ex’s? Yeah I remembered that too…

          What happens if I become your ex? There goes another friend…mhm.

                                                                                                                                           And now, I’m slowly dying.

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