Don't Look For Me

Cayn gets overwhelmed with her life, her boyfriend doesn't seem right for her, and her family falling apart piece by piece. She runs away from home, only to meet up with a girl named Dee.

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5. Not what I wanted

   I found myself looking for Beck when I reached class, scanning faces, and found her reading. Her face changing emotions as she read, her hand cutely cupping her hair back, her head tilted. I smiled and slowly opened the door.

   "Nice of you to join us, Cayn." Mr.Brown commented. "We're doing silent reading. It's free-seating day today, so sit anywhere you like."

   "Yes sir." I kept my head down whilst people snickered at me. I took a seat next to Beck. I smiled stupidly as I flopped open my book.

    My mind got sucked into the plot and I found myself in the story, talking to the characters, sitting beneath the trees as the stars beamed down on me, and the moon smiled at my presence. Even the grasshoppers the author described so beautifully seemed happy to see me. If only I lived in this book, I thought, sighing. I felt the pain of my real life rush back, and I unconsciously tugged my sleeve a little farther down my hand, a reflect to hide my scars. Even if I thought of them as not bad, others would tease me for cutting. How idiotic to tease someone who obviously already had too much pain. 

     Unable to focus on my book now that my Imagined self was in a more darkened place, I set my book down and closed it softly. I sneaked a peek at Beck, and found she was looking at me too. The concern on her face broke me. 

  "Cayn. You OK?"

 No. no no no. No I'm not OK.  I managed to choke out a meek "Yeah" before I burst into tears. Nothing is right. It will never be right. No one would miss me if I died.

   "Oh no. Hush, hun." Beck Took my right hand and led me into the hall, ignoring the stares of classmates whose reading had been interrupted by me.

   "Cayn, what's wrong? Are you hurt?" Beck was too nice. I cried harder.

   "No.. I'm m f fine-..." I stuttered through my sobs.

   Beck leaned in a little, a sarcastic look on her porcelain face. Her bottomless black eyes searched my face. I couldn't resist. Before I knew what I was doing, I closed the gap and pressed my lips to her mouth, in the way I would kiss Jake. Her surprised lips actually replied, trying to find something in me. This kiss felt different than with Jake. My mind was here. With me. With this kiss. It felt...right. Beck put her hand on my waist. No. No, this is wrong. I'm with Jake. A BOY. I'm NOT GAY. There's no way... but this... feels full, I feel completed. NO! I pull away from her, from this...temptress. My mind searches for a reason that this feels so right, and decides that Beck just knows how to seduce straight girls. That's it. I can't be gay. Lesbian. The girls from fifth grade can't be right. Enraged, I backed away from Beck, tears still streaming down my face. 

  "I'M NOT GAY!" I shrieked, and spun, leaving a hurt Beck in the halls behind me. I kept running.  

   

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