wonderland

I'll take you away, I'll keep you hidden. I'll protect you, I'll love you. Now that we're here we can do what we want. We can be who we want to be. This is our life, this is our beginning and our ending, this is our happily ever after. (The last of the 'tomorrowland' trilogy)

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17. we welcome the rain and black skies

"Him?" My eyes widen.

"The baby," she says. "Boston had a miscarriage."  

"How's Bo?" 

"She's fine, just sleeping now." 

"When can I see her?" I was throwing questions at her but she didn't seem phased. I wonder why she wasn't worried that I wasn't grieving. Though it hadn't hit me yet. Nothing was. 

I just wanted to see Bo. 

"Soon," she says and I nod. Within seconds she is walked away and I feel Harry's hand on my shoulder. 

"I'm so sorry, Liam," he mutters and that's when it hits me. 

I lost a son. 

I can feel myself slowly lowering to the floor, my knees hitting the ground as Harry follows. The tears instantly brim in my eyes and I fall forward my hands covering my head. 

. . . Boston . . .

Liam is beside me when I wake up. His feet are tapping the ground as he looks at me. His hand encircles mine as as I look into his bloodshot eyes.

"You haven't been sleeping," is the first thing I say to him and a deep chuckle comes from him. 

"No," he answers. 

"What happened?"

"Bo--." He was cut short with the entry of Harry and Louis.

"Hello Beautiful," said Harry. 

"How're you feeling?" Louis quickly asks me and then an unfamiliar distance grew between them.

"Is something wrong? Between you two?" 

"No, of course not," Harry was quick to reply and I looked towards Liam but he looked as lost as I was as he peered at the couple. "Anyway, you are more important. We are so sorry--."

"Harry," Liam warned and I glanced back at him. 

"You haven't told her?" Louis questioned and I immediately begun to feel plagued. My hand reached down to my no longer round stomach. 

I bit down onto my bottom lip, "It's okay," I try to sound strong, but it does little for me. "I think I get the picture."

"Bo," Liam takes my hand and I look into his teary eyes. "We can try again." 

"What was it?" I ask him, just wanting to know what I was carrying for four months and then deprived of. 

He took a second before he muttered, "A boy." 

I felt the warmness of the tears fall form my eyes and onto my cheeks. Liam stood and wrapped his arms around me the best way he could. I held onto him because he was the only last piece of me. 

I want one thing in this world...just to be happy, and yes Liam provides that, but I want to know what it feels like to be a mother. What it feels like to be an adult and called mommy. 

I didn't let go of Liam and he didn't retreat from my grasp. Instead I cried into his shoulder, staining his shirt with my tears. 

Then I finally realized at this very moment that the world was completely and unfairly cruel. 

. . . 1 week later . . . 

Liam and I dress in black. I help him tie his black tie as he wraps one of my curls around his finger. We decided on the name, Geoff, after Liam's father. It was hard buying a small casket and planning a funeral for a child. 

Most of the week the house was quiet. Lily was even quiet as she noticed something wasn't right. She didn't run up to my tummy anymore and instead as I came home from the hospital she held onto my hand and told me everything would be okay. Her words made me burst into tears as I picked her up and placed her on my hip. 

She kissed my cheek and then hung around my neck as I placed my arms around her small body. 

Now Liam was brushing his fingers up and down my cheek before he placed a small kiss on my lips. I turned towards the mirror then and we both looked liked death as I place my black lace netting over my face, covering me. Shielding me. 

To be forever covered in black. 

...

Liam's hand stayed on the small of my back as we walked side by side through the cemetery. Louis and Harry walking behind us with Harry carrying Lily. This was it. This was my small family. 

As I watch my baby boy's casket being lowered into the ground I feel numb. My mind starts to wonder and soon my memories flood my mind. All the perfect little things that brought me to this horrible moment. 

The first time I met Liam, the day he tattooed my name into his skin. Almost being killed by my best friend. Meeting the Queen with my father, Louis' death scam just so he could be with Harry. My mother dying, me trying to commit my own death, and finally my son's death. 

There has been too much death. Not enough happiness. I have fallen out of touch with the world and myself. 

I needed help and I was thankful for Liam but he couldn't fix everything. 

Finally Geoff was in the ground and I could the world drift away below my feet. I was so tired. I was wasted, everything has been sucked out of me. I had nothing else to give, but yet the world kept taking more and more from me. 

I feel Liam's hand by my side and I take hold of it. He notices and laces our fingers together as he brings our hands up to his lips. He kisses my fingers and tells me everything will be okay. 

I was too tired of broken promises but for some reason I felt a glimmer of hope in this one. 

Maybe this is a start, not brand new, but a start. Something I continue from. 

Though right now, I have to let the world around me play with me and make me feel vulnerable. Because I know, one day, some day, that I will rise above all and be the best I can be. 

Then maybe, just maybe, I will once in forever be content and just happy. 

Until then, I say goodbye to my unborn son, and the past I'm leaving at this cemetery. I will leave this place starting over. I, of course, will never forget my little Geoff, but I will have to learn that nothing is ever given to me. 

That's the one thing I learned; the strongest people are put in the worst situations and I'm happy just to say that I've come out of every obstacle that has been thrown at me. 

I think I'm ready. 

Ready to finally starting living. 

The End. 

...

An epilogue and author's afterword will be published soon.

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