wonderland

I'll take you away, I'll keep you hidden. I'll protect you, I'll love you. Now that we're here we can do what we want. We can be who we want to be. This is our life, this is our beginning and our ending, this is our happily ever after. (The last of the 'tomorrowland' trilogy)

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3. disaster makes everything more numb

When I woke up this morning, Liam was there. That was a first. Then again he wasn't 'normal'. He sat in the corner watching me as I sat up in the bed. His elbows rested on his legs, his eyes bloodshot.

"Good morning," I said to him. 

"Boston, something happened."

He said my full name. "What's wrong?"

He placed his hands over his face and rubbed up and down roughly. "I'm so sorry. I don't really know what happened. Your dad only called me this morning from the hospital."

"Liam," I said almost hesitantly. "What's going on? Why did my dad call from the hospital? Is he alright?"

He stopped for a second and just looked at me. "He called from a hospital in South Africa--."

"No," I said quickly, cutting him short. I got up from the bed and walked towards the bathroom. I closed the door, rather like slammed it.

His gentle knocking on the door, "He said it was so sudden. A concussion and then she fell asleep--."

"Stop! Stop! Stop!" I said bracing my hands to the door before turning around and letting my back touch the wood. I started to slide down it, whispering, "Please just stop."

He's lying, I'm dreaming. This isn't real. Not this. No not this. 

I wasn't even there. 

I brought my hands to both sides of my head, intertwining my fingers with my hair. 

"I wasn't even there." I started to whisper.

"Bo? Bo?!" Liam was on the other side of the door. I didn't want to hear his voice right now. 

"I wasn't even there," was all I could keep repeating. Nothing is going right, nothing. "I should've never came here."

"What?" Liam was against the door. I could feel him press the door into my back. 

How couldn't I be there? What was wrong with me? It was my mom, my mother, my only stable ground, my rock. 

Now she's gone. Disappearing into the wind. 

"And I wasn't there," I said after my thoughts. How could I not feel numb, right now? That's all I want, is to feel numb. I don't want to feel anything, I just want to endure in my basic betrayal. I wasn't there for her, than why should I be here for myself? 

I looked up towards the vanity mirror. Liam kept it here somewhere. I saw him use it one night. 

I pulled myself away from the door and started to open drawers, not finding anything. I finally looked up towards the mirror again. I stood up slowly, and pulled the mirror away from its magnetic lock. 

It was all Liam's things. A razor, soap, toothbrush and some other things. 

"Bo!" Liam was still knocking on the door. It made me jump and I looked towards it. I finally felt the wet tears falling down my cheek. 

I could stop. I could just forget about it and accept the love Liam wants to give me…but then if I wanted that why would my fingertips stop on what they did?

I brought my attention back to my fingers. Following my arm up to my fingers. 

I put it from under his bar of soap. I fell back down to the floor and brought my wrist up to lay it on my knee. I let the corner indent into my skin.

I haven't done this in forever, "But damn it feels so good." 

I let it draw lines. Liam's knocking was no longer loud and hurtful to my ears. He was distant and I was nowhere to be found. 

I was in my own heaven.

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