REALITY IS A PRISON


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1. common' fatty...

Depression: - n; excessive gloom and despondency; an abnormal state of physiological inactivity.

Normal: - adj regular; unusual; stable mentality, anything normal the usual state, amount, ect. –Normalcy n. –normality n. –normally adv.

Sanity: -   n. the condition of being sane; mental health.

Happy: - adj (happier, happiest) fortunate; having, expressing, or enjoying pleasure or contentment; pleased; appropriate, felicitous.- happily adv. –happiness n.

 

 

Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.” -C.S. Lewis

That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key. -Elizabeth Wurtzel

Instead of weeping when a tragedy occurs in a songbird's life, it sings away its grief. I believe we could well follow the pattern of our feathered friends. -William Shakespeare

Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. -Helen Keller

If you aren't just a little bit depressed, then you aren't paying very much attention to what's going on in the world. -Pete Wentz

A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl. -Stephan Hoeller


 

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of yelling. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of pretending.  I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of feeling crazy. I’m tired of feeling stuck. I’m tired of needing help. I’m tired of remembering. I’m tired of missing things. I’m tired with being different. I’m tired of missing people. I’m tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of feeling empty inside. I’m tired of not being able to just let go. I’m tired of wishing I could just start all over. I’m tired of dreaming of a life I will never have. But most of all, I’m tired of being tired.

 

Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to get up in the morning and get ready to go out when all I want to do is sleep. How difficult it is for someone like me to look in the mirror and not feel physically sick. Do you know how painful it is to skip meals regularly?  Well I do. It’s that sinking feeling that gets to you, you know, that one that makes you feel worthless. You’re trapped inside a whirlwind of emotions looking for some kind of cathartic release that you read about in stories. But subsequently you don’t think you’ll ever get one. It will happen I’m sure, however you’ll always have that little bit of doubt in your mind as to when and if it ever will. You want to give up… Just don’t. Please. Remember depression isn't a sign of weakness. It’s the result of staying strong for the benefit of others for too long. It’s true. I have low days and people don’t notice. I have scars that people don’t see. I miss meals and people don’t realise because I’m “too fat to be anorexic”. Well do you know what I say today is a good day.

 

Monday October 7th.

 

06:58

I can’t do this anymore.

Why is it whenever I have the slightest piece of hope in my mind within seconds it comes crashing down. I was in a good mood yesterday. May not have smiled but, it was a start. I didn't cry myself to sleep. So why do I wake up feeling empty. This just isn't fair.

 

11:19

Today’s plan.

1)Skip my meals

2)Avoid people

3)Fake a smile

4)Cry

5)Die a little

6)Repeat

 

On the positive side I don’t have to suffer school today. The pressure is just too much to deal with these days. It’s like I’m a rag doll being pushed and pulled around in that place. It’s a jungle. Instead all I want to do is curl up and watch TV. These low days are beginning to become more frequent. My stomach aches due to the last meal I had being on Thursday last week. I want to eat but my fat thighs and all round discomfort in my own skin urge me to repel food as I do people. I just wish I was skinny. I want to be size 8 or 10 not 14. With my phone next to me I hear my message tone. It’s my best friend. I trust her completely but I don’t want to burden her with my emotions so I keep quiet about it and let my dark secret become more of a heavy weight on my shoulders as I fake a smile. The message consists of an invitation to go to hers. The horrible fact is; I can’t bring myself to even leave the house. I want to be alone. However she doesn't understand and I don’t blame her but I can’t help thinking she would have realised something was wrong if she cared. After declining the invitation with an excuse of “i'm too tired” I start to feel even worse and as a result I upset her too. Her upset feelings soon start to turn to feelings of anger. “I ask you to meet me, you can’t do that one little thing you said you would!” she moans. She’s right though. I can’t do it. I physically can’t. Even thinking of it brings me to tears and makes me feel sick.

 

12:37

I suppose I’m starting to feel better…  No, scrap that. I still feel like shit. Plus I’m also cold. My dad never turns the heating on. I swear he just expects me to freeze to death. That or he hates me as well; it wouldn't surprise me if he did to be honest. He chose alcohol over me for a start so what does that say. He also sent me to a counsellor who seems to think writing how I feel in this notebook, or as he said “dairy” would help my situation. Come to think about it sending me to the counsellor was my mum’s idea. I don’t resent her for that either. It did help in the beginning. However not anymore, now it’s just a nuisance and I hardly ever turn up. I've been racking my brains for the past half hour trying to figure out when I actually started feeling these mixed emotions. Love, guilt, isolation, pain and all round loneliness. Half the time I feel as if my dog if the only one who can make me feel better. Actually, he is. Well, apart from that guy, Anthony. He’s not the best looking guy and to be honest he’s a bit of a dick head. However there’s something about him that makes me smile. I don’t know what it is that makes it happen but it does and that’s the best feeling ever.


I've known Anthony for five years now as we met briefly in year seven. However we didn't become close until one school trip in year eight where I fell head over heels for him. Not that I’m one to judge because I am the fattest and ugliest person I know currently. However he really wasn't good looking back then. I was in a relationship with a guy called Jake at the beginning of that trip. How I miss them, relationships I mean. Not Jake. They just don’t happen anymore. Anyway back to the story, he made me happier than Jake did and I really laughed when I was with him. I still do. One thing led to another and as a result I dumped Jake for him. Jake was three years older and the relationship was getting to serious to quick. So being interested in Anthony wasn't the main reason we broke up. Surprisingly, the break up didn't go to well. Jake started blackmailing me and I started crying myself to sleep. So I guess that’s it. That was my downfall. I can definitely say that Anthony and I did have a relationship, but it didn't go anywhere and I blocked him out; leaving us not speaking to each other from then on.

We speak now though, so it’s all alright between us. He’s one of my best mates. Unfortunately, like every guy he doesn't realise how upset I am or how much I hurt inside. Come to think of it I haven’t heard from him today yet. I might give him a text. Or not I don’t want to talk to anyone.


 

13:44

I didn't text him. I didn't really see the point. All this contemplation and reflection makes my head hurt.


 

14:32

Seriously though my stomach hurts so much, it’s in knots. I would cry but it makes the starvation harder. Why can’t this be easy, why can’t I be skinny. The lack of nutrients and protein in my body are starting to take its toll. I feel faint and have low energy, I need something to eat but if I see food I will throw up. If I eat it, it means I am weak. Common’ fatty you can do this. 

 

15:31

I don’t really know what to feel anymore, recording all this doesn’t seem to be helping. I don’t exactly want to do it but it’s starting to become rather addictive. Maybe it’s the way I’m setting it all out that’s the problem? That’s why I don’t feel any better? Or maybe it’s just the fact I am constantly trapped in darkness. Possibly going outside could be the answer. Receiving endorphins or whatever it is that I’ll get from being in the fresh air. I think I might go down to the corner shop, get a magazine or something. I pull on my jeans which are starting to become looser on the leg. This is good but it still doesn't pick up my mood. Now I just look even fatter. As I pull up my washed out pink shirt over my head and start to replace it with a dull grey vest to match my mood. The knots in my stomach stretch out and force me to crouch over in pain half dressed. Adamant not to let the pain get me down any more than it has done already I get up. Slowly I pick up the grey vest I had in my hand before and put it on my aching body. I look in the mirror; scars cover the top of my arms. Today they look fresh but I promised myself I wouldn't self harm again, these scars are old so say. I want to get better I really do it’s just hard. Ashamed to have my story carved into my body I grab my black oversized jacket and pull the sleeves so they cover my anxious hands. With that I’m ready as I will ever be and start to head out towards the shop.

 

The road towards the shop is deserted, not a person in sight. I like it, no one’s here to judge me. However it was obvious that someone was going to ruin this one moment where I felt slightly comfortable and there it was, sitting at the end of the road. A group of people from school sitting by the shop; completely oblivious to my existence begin to laugh at something one of them must have said. It shouldn't phase me but it does, I know the comment wasn’t about me because they haven’t seen me yet. I feel uncomfortable, ashamed and scared. Yes I said it I feel scared. I really do but it wasn't until one of the scruffy teens looked over towards me and smiled I completely lost all confidence. With that I did a u-turn pretending I had forgotten something and walked back home. My hands moved further into my sleeves with anxiety as I cautiously made an effort to keep the tears back and stay strong. This is hopeless. I am hopeless.  

 

16:52

Well, other than the text this morning that didn't go to well. No one has bothered to contact me despite my tweets reaching out for some affection. My mood seems to be getting worse and tears are running down my cheeks as I write. Today was truly awful and there is no explanation as to why. I am still upset over my unaccomplished trip to the shops and I’m ashamed that I don’t have a backbone to even go out in public. I have no energy whatsoever. I think it is time to go to sleep. I don’t want to be a part of this harsh society any longer. I’m going to stop living in reality and go back to my dreams. 

 

 

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