Looking For Now[l.h]

in which a lost boy tries to fix a broken girl.

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2. Final Resort

 

"I'm home, love," Elias shouts as he slams the door to our apartment shut. Shit, he's drunk I know he is. I cringe in the corner of our bed, but I know that it will only make things worse for me if I don't go out and greet him. Maybe I can calm him, I tell myself for what seems like the thousandth time.

After the party, we saw each other almost every other weekend we would meet half way between his college and home or he would just come to me. We went on dates and everything was perfect. I was falling in love. I used to come home, and sit on my bed. I'd stare at the ceiling, and admire the man I met. Admire him for the joy he's brought into my life. Little did I know that things took a turn. When I was younger, I used to look under my bed every night to make sure monsters weren't there. Now, I realize that they're not under my bed: they're in it. He's in my bed. He's in my life. He's got me wrapped around his finger: to the point where I can't breath. I'm being suffocated: to the point where I'll possibly die. But it doesn't matter, because deep down, I'm already dead.

Then I graduated and I went to his college so we could be closer. Worst mistake ever, he convinced me to find an apartment with him near our college and of course me being the love struck idiot I am agreed to it. That's when things got bad.

The first month of living together was perfect. We got to spend all of our time together and I loved it. Then we made love for the first time. It was magical, and perfect, better than I had ever imagined it could be, then two days after he changed. He changed in the worst ways.

He started coming home drunk every night after work. He would always shout at me and say horrible things we would fight, but he always won. I felt used. Once he got what he wanted from me and he claimed me, I had fallen his prey. I didn't want to leave him, he was my first time, my first love, and I didn't want to walk away from all of that. Then, he went from loud and shouting at me to abusive. He would hit me and beat me most nights when he got home, leaving me bruised and broken inside. He began to force himself on me and fucked me whenever he wanted to, but there was nothing I could do, he was too strong for me, and when he wanted something he got it. He was rough with me, very rough, and I had to begin online classes because I was to embarrassed to go to school as the broken mess I was. I don't know what happened to him, but I believe he knows he has me trapped, he knows I don't want to leave him because of how we were before, so he thinks he can do whatever to me and I'll stick around. At first he was right; I didn't really want to leave him. Finally, I snapped back in my senses and realized that he wasn't the Elias I knew before, and I couldn't keep living this way. I had to get out.

I tried to run once, but he caught me quickly and beat me worse than ever before. I haven't tried since. I wish I could say I got brave and risked it all to call the cops or anything really, but I was too afraid of him; of what he would do if he found out I called.

"Hey, babe," I try to smile as I walk into the living room to welcome him home, hoping to put him in a good mood. I softly pad over to him and wrap my arms around him, embracing him, "I missed you," I coo in his ear.

"I missed you too," he growls aggressively and hugs me back, tight, too tight, squeezing the air out of me. He pulls away quickly and grips my shoulders, firmly holding me back, so I'm forced to look into his cold, empty blue eyes, "do you love me?" He whispers shaking me slightly.

"Of course I do," I fake a small smile, but it wasn't good enough. He shakes my shoulders roughly.

"No you don't, you're lying," he shouts at me before smacking me across the face. A single tear rolls down my cheek, but I make absolutely no sound as I stare into his furious black eyes. His breath fans over my face and it smells strongly of alcohol.

"Listen to me Elias, I'm not lying," I plead and he glares at me.

"Prove it, show me you love me," he hisses and takes my small wrist in his large calluses hands and drags me down the hallways to our bedroom.

I begin to silently cry as he violently undresses me and shoves me back onto the bed. He removes his own clothing and overs over me, his dark eyes filled with lust as they rake over my exposed body, and I lay there motionless, knowing what is about to come.

A few weeks later, I take a pregnancy test that I bought myself without Elias knowing one day when we went to the store. He used protection every time he forced himself on me, but there was always that small chance and I had to check, so I took a test every four weeks.

I wait for the results to appear and start sobbing uncontrollably when the impossible happens, it shows positive. How can it? The chance of protection not working is so small, this can't be happening. I take another and get the same results. I feel empty as I sink to the floor with my back against the wall. I have no more tears to shed, I have nothing. All of my emotions have disappeared and I feel hollow inside.

After staying like this for hours I decide I can never bring a child into this hell I'm living, that would be cruel to any living thing. I can't run away he'll find me without a doubt, so I have to use my last option, my final resort.

I change into jeans and a sweatshirt and leave everything else behind as I leave the small apartment I've called home for nearly four months. It holds nothing but bad memories for me now, and I am more than happy to leave it. Fear takes over me and i tremble from head to toe as I walk towards my destination. What if I run into him on my way there? What if I see one of his friends? I can't be caught. If I can just get there, I'll have no more fear, I'll be at peace and I'll be gone.

I walk with determination to where I want to go, careful not to cause suspicion. I keep my head low and my hood pulled up, so no one can see my face. Each step brings me closer to safety, but makes me more scared than ever before at the same time. I try telling myself that this is what I have to do, that it's what's best for me and the child inside me.

I finally get there; the railroad tracks. I take a deep breath and bite my lip to stop it from trembling as I lay down on the tracks. I ease my broken body down to lay on the rusted tracks covered in gravel and sandy dirt. The railroad runs through a dense forest, and since it is autumn all of the leaves have changed color. In the midst of all of this mess, I look at the leaves and it soothes me. I take one last glance at them before closing my eyes.

I lay there and wait. I wait for the train to come to take away my pain and fear and misery. Just a second of pain, and the endless pain I suffer each day will be gone. Just a few seconds of torture and it's all over. I lay there, at peace with myself and each second drags by as I wait for the sound of a loud train to come closer. My fear disappears as numbness takes over my body and all of the tension built up inside me disappears.

It takes forever and I still wait. I remember all of my times in high school with all of my friends and wonder where they are now. Bethany moved across the country for college and she has no idea what has been going on, no one does. Not even my poor father, who thinks I'm sticking to my studies to become a doctor. My mother passed when I was very young so my father and I developed a close relationship, and I feel horrible for keeping this from him. I cannot bring myself to admit to anyone the horrible decisions I have made.

I begin to imagine what my life would have been like if I had never gone to that damn party. I believe I would have stayed single throughout my senior year and kept up with my schoolwork and lacrosse. I believe I would have gone to a good college and maybe even gotten a scholarship. I could have met a nice guy in college who treated me well, and helped me achieve my goals. I would have put my studies before my social life. I could have had a real family of my own some day far in the future when I was truly ready for it. I desperately wish that was the way things could have turned out. However life's not fair. As hard as it is for me to accept this tragic fact, it's true. I have everything to show for it, sadly.

I feel horrible for taking the life of the poor innocent being inside of me, but I know this is better for it than the life we would have lived. I'm doing it a favor, I try to convince myself but it doesn't work. I'm an awful person for doing this, but it makes sense in the fucked up mind I have.

I hear a train whistle in the distance and I feel nothing, no anticipation or even fear, I am utterly numb as I lie there in wait. Im almost there. I'm almost to peace and freedom. I'm almost out of this hell I call life. I hear it coming closer and I feel tears stain my cheeks, but I don't feel like I'm actually crying. I could get up and go back home or take my chances and run, but somehow I know he will find me. He always will. I hardly feel the cold air enveloping my bruised body as I wait. I count down seconds from one hundred although I know the train will reach me before I reach zero. I count down and I'm at eighty-two when there's someone shouting a few feet away from me. No. No this can't be happening, I hope they haven't seen me, I hope they're shouting to someone else. Just keep walking, I silently will the unknown person. I clutch at the dirt as my chest racks with sobs, not because I am scared of the train, but because I am scared that this man will stop me. The shouting nears me. No. No. No.

I squeeze my eyes shut and I hear the train approaching me, but it's not close enough. I hope it moves faster and gets here sooner.

Suddenly a shadow falls over my closed eyelids and someone grabs under my back and throws me over their shoulder; someone pulls me away from my peace. I was so close. I was so close: so close to finally leave this world. It was an easy plan: to leave my remains on a railroad track.

My whole body goes limp and I have absolutely no energy to protest as the stranger runs and I bob up and down against their back. Why, why did he have to stop me, the train was almost there? I try to scream but no sound escapes my lips. I give up and my head spins from all of the events from the past few hours, I get a pounding headache and soon darkness takes over and I'm enveloped in black nothingness. I can't see what's ahead or anything around me. I'm disconnected from this world, and I feel enclosed in a space. This nothingness has left me drained. I'm nothing but a bare body walking around, waiting for someone to put an end to my miserable life. Just waiting for time to stop, and the clock to freeze.

A/N okay everything may be a bit confusing at the moment, but I promise if you stick with me, everything will unfold in flashbacks(: I hope you're enjoying it so far and if you are please don't forget to VOTE & COMMENT! I have goals in mind for each update, thank you so very much I love you all!!<3  I see Cora as Maddie Hasson and Elias as Ian Somerhalder!

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