It's Just A Matter Of Time

Just a little insight...

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1. It's Not Over Yet

Love is something that I have never been able to fully grasp. But it is something that effects even the most toughest of hearts. It’s sharp as a knife that cuts deep; so deep and so sharp, stinging with every strike. 

    Upon the heart withstanding the violent attacks, you encounter a pain so extraordinary, that it brings you to tears without leaving a single visible scratch. On the outside no one knows the strife you are facing, but on the inside, pain amongst misery drifting throughout your body slowly wearing away all the happiness that clings onto life itself, attempting to survive. 

    I never thought I could actually love someone. I always prayed upon the capacity of loving another; loving them so much that it brings pain. It sounds crazy, but I longed for the satisfaction of feeling that ultimate type of love. I finally realized that I had it all along; just not in the way I expected it to be. I loved someone so much it brought pain to me whenever I thought about him. He never knew how I felt, I wasn’t the type to express my deep feelings such as love, to a guy. And because of that, I could never find out if he loved me back or not. But I did love him; love him so much it hurt. Everyday I would think about him. I could never get him off my mind. Clinging onto every word he ever said to me, and all the times we would catch each other staring at one another. I know this sounds a bit childish and petty, but every little moment such as those meant everything to me. I used to know all of his secrets he could not tell anyone. I used to share my favorite songs with him, and he would tell me how special I am, how much different I am from other girls. But we drifted apart.

    Drifting apart is what saved me, even though it made me feel the most pain, the most sorrow and the most heartbroken. I had an empty void. I waited and waited, hoping he would be the one to fill it and make it whole again, but like a ghost, he disappeared and never showed. All I had were memories. Little memories that I held onto like secrets. Never telling a soul, but always replaying in my mind like a movie as if I was in the theatre awaiting for the beautiful, happy ending to unfold. But this movie never ends. It keeps going and going; or so I thought. 

    Now I believe that the movie has ended. I’m still that eager girl sitting in the theatre by myself watching the credits scroll down the screen. But what I didn’t realize is I’m in the wrong theatre. My movie is next door. 

    Another guy, who was a very close friend of mine, whom I could trust with anything, truly loved me. He loved me completely and I did not think I could ever return the feelings, because at the time I didn’t think I could believe in love. In his eyes, I walked on water; I was everything he could ever hope and wish for. I was the girl that he loved so much it hurt him. But because I was blinded by the belief that I loved another, I didn’t care. This guy would do anything for me. When I got in a fight with my prom date a few days before prom, he was right there to comfort me. He explained to me his extravagant idea, that he would ask me to prom, and it was the most beautiful idea/thing that anyone ever in my life could ever do for me. But I took it all for granted.

    The time I finally realized I did have feelings for my friend, it was too late. At first, it took me a while to fully grasp the idea. I couldn’t believe that all along he was right in front of my face and I just turned my cheek trying to see over him. But I was finally ready; I was ready to tell him, to make him the happiest man he could ever be, by confessing my unexpected feelings for him. Then I discovered he already moved on. Just like I moved on from my fantasy that I gave up on, he did the same. At first I thought I could still tell him how I felt, and steal him away before anything serious happened with him and the other girl, until I saw how happy he was. She did something that I fully regret, something that I never did. She liked him back. Here they were happy as can be, and here I was full of jealousy and unkindness, that I was willing to break their innocent happiness for my own. I had no right to do so. I lost my chance; it’s my own fault. Now I have to face the consequences. 

    It does hurt, knowing that I lost my chance. But it’s a lesson that’ll never forget. It’s true what people say, when they say don’t take anything for granted, because there is no doubt, you will regret it. And everyday I have to live with such a regret that brings horrible but honest pain to my heart. He was there the whole time. 

    There are those mistakes when you sincerely wish you had a time machine to go back in time and change the past; but you can’t change the past. Dwelling on the past only makes you unhappy and solemn. Focusing on the present is what keeps my heart steady and free-spirited. I don’t let the regret take over my happiness, I let it teach me. And now that I know that love can come from anywhere, I am ready. I am not anxious or impatient, I’m just ready and whatever happens, happens. I can’t control the past or future, but I can control right now, the present, and that’s all I can do. And somehow, that is okay with me.

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