DanIsNotOnFire Has My Heart On Fire

Skye is your average girl, bubbly, fun and has that one big crush. Not Harry Styles, not Josh hutcherson, but a boy who used to live around the corner from her, but barely knows her. Dan Howell, aka Danisnotonfire.

I'm going to have to put this story up to a higher rating for such adult themes- I hope you don't mind! Also I just want to say that self harm is NEVER an answer. Although here I describe it as a great release for Skye it won't make your problems go away. In fact it will only make your problems worse. So please guys- find healthier ways to deal with emotions. Thanks for reading!


18. I Love You.


WARNING: An intimate scene can be seen at the end of this chapter so if you don't like that stuff feel free to only read up to there or skip this chapter!

After a while Dan let go of me and walked away. But he wasn't gone for long.

He walked in to the bathroom and ran a flannel underneath the tap. He made his way back and got on his knees in front of me.

Without a word, he lifted my top up and began to clean the dried in blood. It stung and I winced a lot but Dan carried on nevertheless. By the time he was done with my cuts they were as clean as they could get. He pulled my top back down when he was finished and led me over to the bed. Dan led back on the bed and motioned for me to join him. As soon as I did he folded me in to his arms and I rested my head longingly on his chest.

"Why did you do it?" Dan asked. I had been dreading giving an explanation. "...It is too difficult to explain, you won't get it" was all I replied. Dan kissed the top of my head. "Try me". I inhaled deeply and began my long speech of opening up about something that was so personal.

"After what that man did to me I felt so dirty inside. Deep down I knew it wasn't my fault he did what he did but despite that I still felt like it was my fault somehow. The things he did to me included my body so in a sense I hated my body for getting me in to that mess. I hate myself so much now Dan I really do. All I see at night is that man and all I can do to take out my frustration is abuse my body verbally and physically. The pain of cutting myself is a physical pain I find easier than the emotional one. I want to scar my body the way it scarred my mind"

"So why did you carve the word filth in to you? You're nothing of the sort" Dan asked carefully.

"I feel it. I feel it from the inside. I feel disgust climbing along my bones and over every limb. Whenever I look in the mirror I scowl at my reflection in utter disgust and I loathe my body. If I had my way I would rip myself a part until none of it was left. I'm physiologically broken" I replied feeling more tears sprouting from my extremely moist eyes.

"Cutting isn't the answer sweetheart" Dan began. "It won't change anything. At the end of it you'll still feel shit. It's an unnecessary addiction giving you a delusion just likes drugs or alcohol. You're living in a lie and all I can offer you is the truth. You're beautiful and what happened to you wasn't your fault. You're not disgusting or filth; you're a genuine person with a beautiful personality and a beautiful face"

I shuddered at those words. I've never heard anyone be so kind to me before. Suddenly I felt like I could trust Dan with anything and he could really make the pain go away. "Please Dan I can't bare feeling like this anymore. Please make the pain go away Dan please" I begged him.

"How can I do that?" he asked me. "I'd do anything to see your smile again"

I contemplated whether to give him the real answer or not. It was a big ask and I didn't want to ruin our relationship. But he said he wanted to help and so I should give him the right to.

"Make love to me" I said. Silence. Uninterrupted silence. But then Dan eventually spoke up.


I responded. "That man made me feel so dirty inside. A stranger touched me in places I wanted to save for the one I love and I will never get that back. But I can replace the dirt with love instead. So please" I repeated "Please make love to me." "And I am on birth control" I added quickly to help reassure him this was a good idea. I was greeted by that uninterrupted silence again. But it didn't last for long.

Dan leaned down and kissed me gently as if I was a fragile piece of a china set. I wrapped my arms around his waist and trailed my fingers along his spine. Not taking his lips from mine Dan lifted a leg over me so he straddled me at the waist. Due to this movement the rhythm of our kissing progressed to more frantic; hungry for each and every kiss.

"I love you" Dan whispered to in my ear before moving to kiss my neck eagerly. I trembled not only at the sensation but at the words he told me too. "I love you too" I whispered back.

After Dan had formed quite a vivid love bite on my neck I didn't want to waste anymore time. I grabbed the ends of his shirt and pulled it up to his chest. To help me out Dan pulled it the rest of the way until it was off of his torso and he swung it to the ground. I had to admire how sexily he pulled that off.

I ran my fingers slowly over Dan's torso. I outlined his muscle and skimmed my finger gracefully over the part where his skin met his jeans. This seemed to turn Dan on more because he moaned quietly in the back of his throat. I smiled in accomplishment.

Before long my top and bra were off also. Dan took care to take my shirt off slowly because he wasn't sure how I would react; but all I did was shiver with all the emotions attached to what we were doing filling my body. "You're beautiful" Dan told me over and over it as if it were a fact whilst he kissed every inch of the top half of my body.

With every kiss and every touch it felt like Dan was dragging all the hate and bad out of me. It was like he was restoring all the nastiness and grime with his love and passion. I couldn't ask for more.

Eventually I unbuckled Dan's belt and unzipped his jeans. Dan leaned up so he could concentrate on pulling his jeans off. And then he turned to me and did the same. I arched my back to help him pull them off easily and it ended up adding to the mountain of clothes now formed on the bedroom floor.

What happened next were probably the best moments of my entire existence. Dan was constantly gentle with me yet still passionate. We both enjoyed it as much as one another and you could instantly feel the electric feelings radiating from our bodies. During the whole thing I was made to forget my recent incident and have it replaced by love instead.

Dan made the pain go away.

Dan made the hate go away.

Dan made me learn what love was again.

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