DanIsNotOnFire Has My Heart On Fire

Skye is your average girl, bubbly, fun and has that one big crush. Not Harry Styles, not Josh hutcherson, but a boy who used to live around the corner from her, but barely knows her. Dan Howell, aka Danisnotonfire.

I'm going to have to put this story up to a higher rating for such adult themes- I hope you don't mind! Also I just want to say that self harm is NEVER an answer. Although here I describe it as a great release for Skye it won't make your problems go away. In fact it will only make your problems worse. So please guys- find healthier ways to deal with emotions. Thanks for reading!


16. He Saw.

I woke up in the middle of the night to use the toilet. Slowly I peeled Dan's arm off of me and placed it gently by his side. Silently I rose out of bed and crept to the bathroom. I closed the door quietly and used the toilet.

Whilst I was washing my hands I looked at myself in the mirror. I felt nothing but curiosity. Gently I pulled up my top to show my stomach. I removed the bloody tissue and flushed it down the toilet. Running my finger under the tap I used my wet finger to wipe away the dried in blood around my cuts. Now it was vivid for me to see I admired my art work.

"FILTH" could definitely be read on my stomach. It was still bright red and sore but I was glad of that. Deep down I should have realised this was wrong but all I could feel was excitement for it to scar.

Eventually I dragged myself away from the mirror and made it back to bed without waking anyone up. I fell soundly back to sleep.


I woke up that morning to the feeling of Dan poking me. I groaned in tiredness and rubbed my eyes. "Good morning beautiful" greeted Dan and I felt him kiss my forehead. I instinctively winced at being called 'beautiful' but decided to ignore it. "Hello to you too" I replied and pulled myself up in to a sitting position.

"So I was thinking" Dan began "Now you're my girlfriend I was wondering if you'd like to be in my next YouTube video!" I looked at Dan with a bemused look on my face. "You want me, of all people, to be in your video?" I said pointing at myself. "Of course!" Dan said jumping off of the bed and standing up. I soon realised Dan was dressed and up already...early bird.

"You're my girlfriend and I want to shout it from the rooftops!" Dan said throwing his arms in to the air to mimic the big wide world. "Please don't!" I said laughing. "But I'll be in your video if it saves you from getting on the roof" I joked.

"Perfect!" Dan said and he went to pick up his camera equipment from the corner of the room. "So I was thinking" he began as he went through his video idea "Considering the story of how we met is pretty interesting I figured we should make a video about that and exaggerate the best parts. It will be amusing".

"If we must" I said smiling. "But let me get ready first. I need to look good if I'm going to be exposed to fan girls all over the world". Dan smirked "See you in the living room when you're ready then as I want to film in there. The lighting is best in that room at the moment". On that note Dan left and closed the bedroom door to give me some privacy. I couldn't contain my excitement. The months I spent watching Dan's videos I was now actually going to be in one.

Climbing out of bed I did the usual routine of getting washed and dressed for the day. When I was changing I did make a point of checking out my master piece. "FILTH" was looking vivid as ever. And I liked it.

Now presentable I figured I would turn on my phone and check to see if I had any messages. I realised that I hadn't spoke to Jackie in days and I didn't want to worry her. As I waited for my phone to load up I thought about what to tell Jackie. Should I tell her about me getting raped? Should I text it her, phone her or meet up with her and tell her? Or should I just not tell her at all? The situation was very much overwhelmingly confusing.

My phone bleeped. My phone bleeped again. And again. And again. And again. The symbol of a missed call was timed by 15 and I had 10 text messages; all of which were from Jackie. By each message Jackie got more and more worried before getting angry at me. She was demanding to know why I was ignoring her and for me to ring her as soon as possible. This made it obvious to me the only way I could explain myself was to tell her the precise truth.

I dialled Jackie's number and pressed 'Call'. On the first ring Jackie picked up- she must have been waiting by her phone. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET HOLD OF YOU FOR AGES BUT YOU NEVER PICKED UP OR REPLIED!" Jackie shrieked down the phone. "Well if you give me a chance to explain I ca-". "NO" Jackie interrupted "EVER SINCE YOU'VE BEEN TIED UP WITH YOUR FANCY YOUTUBE CELEBRITY AND HIS YOUTUBE CELEBRITY FRIEND YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT ME. NOW YOU'VE GOT YOUR CELEBRITY FRIENDS YOU DON'T NEED YOUR NORMAL FRIENDS ANYMORE". "Hey, that's not fair!" I shouted "Let me explain!" "FORGET IT! I DESERVE A BEST FRIEND THAT WILL STICK BY ME NO MATTER WHAT AND NOT IGNORE ME FOR SOMETHING BETTER" and Jackie immediately hung up.

I slammed my phone on to the bed and growled to myself; stamping my foot. She could have at least given me the chance to reason with her! But now I have lost the only constant thing in my life, my best friend. I felt so much emotion...so many feelings...I needed a release.

I wanted to cut so badly. But I couldn't...Dan was waiting for me and I couldn't risk him walking in on me asking where I am. I pulled myself together and exited the room to the living room.

"Aha! There you are!" Dan said kissing me on the cheek. I smiled feebly but Dan didn't seem to notice. He was too excited to begin the video. Dan went and sat in front of his camera. "So I will start the video and topic of conversation then on cue you will jump in and greet the viewers. Got it?" he told me and I nodded only partly listening to what he was saying. I was struggling with the want, no, the NEED to cut and release all this emotion bubbling up inside.

I stayed caught up in my own little world whilst Dan performed his part of the video. I didn't even know what he was saying until he started shouting my name. I jumped. "What?" I said frowning. "It's your cue to jump in!" he said. "Oh, sorry..." I replied.

With little energy I hopped in to the camera frame and waved my arm. "Hello" I said to it. Dan turned and looked at me. "Um, ok, but with a little more expression next time?" he criticised. I nodded and repeated the act but still it was not up to Dan's standards.

"Um, err" I started and looked around me for an excuse. "I forgot to get something from the bedroom, hang on" I babbled and paced out of living room leaving a bewildered Dan behind me.

I slammed the bedroom door once inside and ran to my bag to find my favourite possession- my blade. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the power of the addiction anymore.

I made the first cut of the day underneath my belly button. As I did it I thought about the argument with Jackie and I began to get the shakes. By the third cut I was receiving flash backs from that dreadful night.

The blood was dripping without a care in the world down my stomach and staining my jeans. But at this moment in time I couldn't care less. I couldn't focus on anything else but this moment right now.


I spun around thinking I imagined my name being called in a doubtful voice. But unfortunately Dan was standing in the door frame gaping at the sight of me.

I instantly dropped my shirt back down to cover me up and I tightened my hand around the blade and hid it behind my back.

"What are you doing?"

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