DanIsNotOnFire Has My Heart On Fire

Skye is your average girl, bubbly, fun and has that one big crush. Not Harry Styles, not Josh hutcherson, but a boy who used to live around the corner from her, but barely knows her. Dan Howell, aka Danisnotonfire.

I'm going to have to put this story up to a higher rating for such adult themes- I hope you don't mind! Also I just want to say that self harm is NEVER an answer. Although here I describe it as a great release for Skye it won't make your problems go away. In fact it will only make your problems worse. So please guys- find healthier ways to deal with emotions. Thanks for reading!


15. Filth

It was early night time. Dan and I had spent the rest of that day just lounging around. The only eventful thing we did was put up a shelf in Dan's bathroom so he had more room for his things. We had already explained to Phil we were officially a couple after he came home from food shopping and he seemed more delighted than we were! He decided we should celebrate the occasion by watching a film. After much debate on what to watch between Dan and Phil they both ended up choosing Titanic. I found this hilarious.

"Two grown men wanting to watch Titanic: a tragic love story?" I said in fits of laughter.

"What's wrong with that?!" They both exclaimed in surprise.

I laughed harder. "In fact: nothing. I just remembered you two are the equivalent of boys anyway!"

By the end of the film both boys were crying in to their sleeves and I was the only one sat there not bothered by it whatsoever. "This film is so cheesy it annoys the fuck out of me. I mean if I want to watch a film about a serious real life event then I want it to be portrayed masterfully. But no, this film portrays it as a corny love film. It doesn't do it justice at all!" Dan and Phil did not seem to agree with this but were too busy crying their hearts out to debate it. I sighed. It was going to be an interesting experience living with them.

Phil yawned and stretched his arms above his head. "I think it is time to hit the hay for me. Goodnight you two!" he said and left the living room. "Night!" we called back to him.

"Want to go to bed?" Dan asked me getting up to turn off the television and put the disc away. I nodded and got up off of the sofa. "Give me 15 minutes to get ready" I told him "then you can come in the room too". "Sure" Dan replied and went in to the kitchen to find a snack to eat.

I walked in to Dan's bedroom, which I guess was also mine for now, and made my way in to the bathroom. I washed my face and brushed my teeth being careful so I didn't have to look at myself in the mirror. Patting my face dry with a towel I noticed Dan had still left our tools from putting up the shelf in the bathroom so I moved them on to his bedroom desk when I re-entered the room so I would remember to put them away.

I went in to my bag and pulled out an old grey shirt and some pyjama bottoms to wear. I slowly pulled down Dan's jogging bottoms that I was wearing and tossed them in the washing bin. I took a deep breath and pulled off the shirt. This was the part I dreaded the most. I didn't want to do this part because it would mean looking at my naked and disgusting torso. My stupid body that got me in to the mess that I was in. I hated it.

I couldn't help it. As soon as I took that shirt off I instantly grabbed my stomach and pinched it with all my might. "Fucking filth. You disgust me" I said angrily to myself. I really wanted to do something that would almost punish my body in a way and make me realise how horrible my body now felt. And that's when the idea sprung to my mind.

I quickly ran to my bag knowing I didn't have much time left before Dan came in to the room. Rummaging through I finally found what I was looking for: my eyeliner pencil sharpener. Pulling it out I then grabbed one of the tools off of the desk that I put in there that we used for putting up the shelf- the screwdriver. I knew what I had to do.

I inserted the tip of the screw driver in to the nail that held in the blade in the eyeliner pencil sharpener. Soon enough the nails came out and I chucked them in the waste bin. I was now left with the blade.

I gritted my teeth and held the blade to my stomach. I held my skin taught and breathed in a deep breath. As I breathed in I made the first cut. It was a straight line down. Suddenly I began to laugh. The pain I felt and the blood I saw oozing out didn't make me queasy like blood always did before. Instead it made me want more and more to drip out of me and I wanted nothing else. Smiling to myself I cut the first letter- 'F'. I carried on cutting until I finally had the word 'FILTH' carved in to my stomach.

It stung like mad, but man did I enjoy it. That pain just triggered happiness in to my brain and I found that I finally felt like I had punished my body. My body was innocent until that man came and took it all away and I needed to punish myself. It felt like it was my entire fault in a weird and crazy way.

But I could never be the same again, not now. My body was now a disgusting temple that I wanted to scar like it scarred my mind.

"You ready yet?" said a voice behind the door. Dan. "HANG ON!" I called back and leaped over to pull on my pyjamas. I checked to see if the blood was showing on my shirt but luckily enough it wasn't. Wanting to take precautions I ran in to the bathroom and ripped off some toilet paper from the roll and put it underneath my shirt and on to my wounds. Finally I hid the coated red blade in my bag and binned the empty sharpener.

"Come in!" I called to Dan. He opened the bedroom door and walked in smiling. He came over to me and pecked me on the lips.

"Are you alright?" he asked in a concerned voice. "You look a bit flustered"

"I'm perfectly fine. Honest" I replied reassuringly.

I climbed in to bed and waited for Dan to soon join my side.

Half of me was not fine. Half of me wanted to cry out and beg Dan for help. But the other side of me felt happy I had punished my body...and couldn't wait for the next cut.

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