Manchester is for Lovers

Dan Howell (Danisnotonfire)/Phil Lester (AmazingPhil)
Phan
Romance, Self Harm, Sexual Content, Adult Language

41Likes
11Comments
1559Views

1. One

I live in a never-ending cycle. I wake up, eat when I’m hungry, edit or make a video if it’s near the weekend and every single night I end up in the shower with my hand wrapped around my wrist stopping all of the blood flowing out of my wrist. Sometimes more stuff is added like I might go shopping or go see a friend but I always end every night with a razor in my hand and a new story on my wrist. I don’t because I’m depressed; I know I’m not depressed (probably). I cut my wrist in anger, in passion. I don’t cut for attention, I cut for me. I shun attention to my wrists. Its pretty easy covering the scars and fresh cuts because here in Manchester it’s either freezing or freezing and raining. Even on the off chance it’s not as cold and Antarctica and moderately warm I can still wear a jumper or cardigan without being questioned. One time my friends Chris and Pj saw my cuts, but that was back when It was barely scratches and I just said it was my Moms cat. I wish it was back when I just had scratches, they were easier to hide but after the initial sting of the blade I felt nothing. I started with scissors but they were pretty shit, then I upgraded to a knife. The knife was sharper but it was still hard to do damage and it’s pretty hard to hide a knife in your room. I soon upgraded to razor blades, it’s pretty cliché but they are sharp and leave a clean cut (If you want it clean). 

I cut in the shower because after the damage is done the blood washes down the drain and the warm water stings the fresh incisions. I like the stinging because after a while you get used to the pain, that’s why I upgraded my personal weapons. Every time I upgraded It hurt but after a while when the screaming pain turns into a dull roar I needed more pain. I still felt the burn of the cuts but I just wanted more, I needed more. I’m pretty sure if I stop I’ll go crazy. I need that pain to live, to keep me sane. I don’t know what I’m going to do next when the stinging of the water doesn’t affect me, I hope I don’t do anything drastic like kill myself. 

That was a joke, well a poor excuse for one anyway. Like I said I’m not depressed or suicidal, I just get angry and the stinging and burning helps me calm down. Seeing the blood cascade down my wrists and feeling the warm liquid rush out of my cuts in therapeutic. No one knows that I do this because if I tell anyone they’ll say I have a problem, that I’m broken. I’m not broken I don’t need to be fixed. A person can’t be fixed unless they have a physical problem but you can fix a mental problem, you can just make it better. Its not like there’s a part in every human that’s for happiness and when It breaks talking to so called ‘experts’ makes it better. Sometimes people feel sad and sometimes cutting themselves makes them feel better or at least takes their mind away from emotional pain to manageable physical pain.

I’ve said I cut because I’m angry but I’m angry because I’m falling for my best friend. I meet him at a YouTube party and from ever since then there has been interest but when we became proper friends I fell pretty hard. Soon after that we moved in together, I was so happy and excited. I thought it would be the best experience but it’s not. Don’t get me wrong it’s really fun and me and him have heaps in common so some nights we stay up ‘till three in the morning watching Tv or playing video games. On other night though he brings home a slut and fucks her until she is screaming the apartment walls down. Usually as soon as he gets into his room with a slut I head to the bathroom, turn on the shower and rip into my skin. After the “shower” I go to my room and usually cry myself to sleep. Once or twice I’ve cried over one of the whores. When he’s done he comes and checks on me but I make up some excuse. I have to be careful because I sleep topless and he could see my wrist If I accidently move my arm out of the blanket.

I’ve nearly told some people about the cutting but I don’t want sympathy. I nearly told the people when I started cutting though because I felt weak, but now I can keep anything to myself. I haven’t told him I like him yet so I must be amazing. I nearly told some of my University friends because they noticed a slight change but I said it was the tiredness of Uni and they believed me because they were going through the same. I’ve accepted that after I stop I’ll be left with ugly marks on my skin but I’m focusing on now, not the future. That’s even If I ever stop cutting or maybe I might go a little to deep. I’m not suicidal but everyone wants to die or kill him or herself from time to time and I’m basically practicing for if I want to. I don’t constantly want to kill myself, maybe occasionally every month so I would say I’m safe from actually doing it. 

I’ve thought about telling people that I’m gay and like Phil but all of my friend are his friends basically and I’m having a break from Uni. My Uni friends thought it was pretty stupid stopping school for youtube but It’s what I’m happy doing so fuck them. It’s not like I don’t trust my friends but it would be pretty weird and keeping secrets about one of your friends is pretty hard and it’s pretty shit. I don’t want people to be miserable for me, I’ve got enough misery as about 100 emo kids so having people have misery for me would give me one million more times the misery. Having all of that extra misery would be shit because all of them emo kids are enough. Telling that I’m gay would be weird to but its not as bad as telling them I like Phil. I want to let all of my secrets out but I have no one, so I might as well talk to myself enough until I get another personality

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