It's Kind of a Coincidence

Bella had a kidney transplant when she was sixteen years old. Two years later, she is able to meet her donor, even if she doesn't really want to. Her donor is Tregory Jones. What Bella wasn't counting on was for him to be a beautiful, just out of his teens, boy with the personality of a god.

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25. The everything.

We're allowed home for a few days before the operation takes place. That's all we have, a few days. It's hard to even be awake right now, as I sit in the car on the way home with Dave, my mom, Trey and Jess. I know that in a few days, I will lose Trey because he's saving me and I feel so guilty for that. I can't imagine what the hell life will be like after him. It's not real. It can't possibly be real. He can't just fade and not be aware and just be another body in the ground.

It must be worse for him. He has just chosen to end his life even though he was perfectly happy. He has so much ahead of him and so many friends and his dad that loves him. I'm not worth his life that is going so well.

"Why did you make this decision?" I groan, as we lie in my bed that night. We're all at my house after a night of pizza and films with my family and Dave. We're all trying not to be sad. We're not being false with it easier. It's literally like we've just had this understanding between us and said "Trey is going to die soon so let's just have fun". Now we're alone, I can't help but let myself break a little bit.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Because you're... you're you! You can't just fade."

He smiles weakly. "You're seriously trying to talk me out of this."

I feel the atmosphere getting lighter and a bit more playful, even though it's such a serious subject. Things are very heavy. It's just so definite that he's leaving. We need these light moments. 

I sit up, grinning. "I will argue this until you agree with me."

"Ah." he smiles, pulling me onto his lap. "But this is the one thing I will never agree with you about."

"It's not worth it." I sigh, leaning my forehead on his. The playful feel to the air has gone already and the tears are rolling down my cheeks again. I'm not sobbing or anything. It's the quiet crying, the kind that means somebody is really sad. "Please, just don't do it."

"I'm sorry." he whispers, holding me closer. "I am so sorry. I know that this isn't ideal in anyway and either way, one of us would end up hurt. I guess every rose has it's thorn-"

"Why, though?" I ask, frustrated. "Why can't something be perfect, for once?!"

He sighs. He seems so... torn. "I hate this, okay. I wish it could just be perfect because it was. It was  so perfect and I've never been happier than I have when I've been with you. And I get that this is so cruel of me and I feel so bad for it. I hate that I am leaving you and I know you feel bad about it, but I have to do it."

"No you don't!" I exclaim, trying to argue back.

He doesn't respond to my attempt at arguing, he just looks at me with the same expression. "I do." he says calmly. "Because I love you and you don't believe in good enoughs. I'm not just going to let you die and think oh I loved her while she was here because that would be a good enough. I'm going to have everything or lose everything trying. To have everything, I would need you which I can't, so I'm just going to lose it and let you have my everything instead."

Now the sobbing begins. I lie back down on the bed beside him and cry on his chest. He holds me tight, stroking my hair and I feel a tear of his fall on my hand. He just keeps hushing me and telling me it will be okay, but it won't be okay. Nothing about this is fair. I don't deserve his everything.

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