It's Kind of a Coincidence

Bella had a kidney transplant when she was sixteen years old. Two years later, she is able to meet her donor, even if she doesn't really want to. Her donor is Tregory Jones. What Bella wasn't counting on was for him to be a beautiful, just out of his teens, boy with the personality of a god.

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32. The day with Dan.

I get to Dan's and he gives me a look that says "this is such a crap situation". He lives in his own flat so I return the look and we go out onto his balcony that overlooks the city nicely. It's not raining, but it's cloudy and foggy and grey and freezing cold. 

"Let me know if you get too cold, we can go inside." he says, lighting a cigarette.

I shrug. "I kind of like being cold recently."

"Me too. It's better than feeling nothing."

I realise how grateful I am to have Dan. Not only did he know exactly what I was speaking about, it was kind of depressing and deep but none of us judge each other.

"I can't believe he's gone." Dan scowls at the view. We can't even see the skyline or anything because of all the fog. "How the hell is he just gone?"

"I don't know. It's wrong. I keep expecting him to just call me or something. Like the other night, it was about three in the morning and I kept wondering why he hadn't text me back and it's because he's not alive."

"I keep calling him." Dan just keeps scowling at the ground. It hurts to see all of his charisma being turned into something so negative. "Like I will call him to tell him something and realise he's not going to pick up. I still call him though and just leave a voice mail. It's like a coping mechanism."

"I never thought we'd be the kids who needed the coping mechanisms."

Being here with Dan is painful as we sit there on his balcony, talking away the day in the freezing cold. We say such bitter, sad, depressed things. We don't take time to think about the positives because we have the rest of our lives to do that. Now we just complain about how unfair things are. What hurts is that we're not even showing much emotion. We're just being blunt and disgusted because that's the only way to feel about this situation right now.

"Screw this!" Dan suddenly exclaims as it starts to rain. He kicks his chair over and leans against the balcony, leaning over it a little bit. It's the first bit of real emotion either of us has shown all day. I'm a bit worried he's going to right over the balcony because I really wouldn't put it past him in this state.

"Dan-"

"It hurts." he says, a pained expression on his face. "Like, it's suffocating. It is everywhere I look. I don't even know what it is but it's killing me."

I recognise it as the heart crushing torture I've been experiencing for the last few days. "It's the same for me." I promise him.

"How do people get over this?" he demands. "Does the pain just fade?"

I sigh, walking to his side. I put my hands on the cold balcony side, swinging on my heels. In front of us, there is New York City. Everybody is just getting on with their lives, it's so heart breaking to think that they have no idea about Trey, that their lives are going on as normal. It hurts to know that maybe I was one of the people having the normal life while somebody else's was falling apart.

"I don't think it will ever go away." I say, definitely. "I don't think we ever move on or get over it and I don't think it will ever hurt any less."

"Then what do we do?" he asks, hopeless tears streaming down his face. 

"We just learn to deal with it."

"Why should we deal with it though?" he demands, desperately. "It hurts and it's so fucking unfair!"

"Because." I begin calmly. "If we don't deal with it, life will become a good enough."

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Dan steps towards me and pulls me into him, holding me so tight it kind of hurts, but in the way that's good after being numb for so long. I hold him too, as tight as possible because I just want him to feel something.

"You sound just like him." he whispers.

I don't reply because there is no way to respond to that. Trey may have left part of him with me, but he took part of me away too without meaning to. I guess this entire experience was always going to be so casually cruel.

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