She's too young: The painful truth

What if everything everyone warned you about, was true? What if it was too late to turn back? And what if the painful truth let you drop to the floor, wishing everything was the same again? Would you give it a second chance?

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12. Rebellious

After Louis left in silence I continued to messily shove blouses and jeans and odds and ends into my suitcases. I dried my tears eventually, hating the fact that I cried over him. His signals were so mixed and unreachable. Was he truly upset that I was leaving tomorrow? Or was it the act he so well played too often? I couldn't tell.. and it frustrated me. At one point in packing, I became so angry that I threw my suitcase against the wall, knocking down glass candles which shattered to the floor in a rush. I breathed in and out slowly, in an attempt to cool down before I gave myself a stroke. I gently laid back in bed, fisting the sheets and pulling at them with force.

 

I thought about things for a minute. Leaving school, Louis, my family, how fucked up life was to me. I was right, life was cruel and horrid and nothing was ever going to be okay. But laying in bed crying all day wasn't going to make any of it better. I was drained, emotionally and physically and mentally. I was so exhausted, tired of Louis ruining things for me. I was tired of him giving me mixed emotions and causing me to cry myself into a migraine because of his sick games. It was hard not to cry over him, and it was extremely difficult allowing myself to realize that I never made room for anyone else in my mind aside from him. I was tired of letting Louis be cause of my depression.

 

So with thought and the drying of my cries, I rolled over in bed and decided I wasn't going to allow him to keep me sad anymore- at least not for tonight. I could drown in tears tomorrow, for as long as I pleased. I could be sad any other time. But tonight I needed something new to feel. I craved adrenaline, the rush to feel okay. So I decided, tonight I was going to rebel.

 

My mom tried calling me several times, for what I had no clue, but I muted it every time my phone buzzed. My knees were pressed into the floor for the rest of the afternoon, unpacking my clothes and shoving them into drawers. The glass was swept up neatly, leaving no trace of my episode. I didn't want Hanna to find out about my mother's threat to take me out of the school. Because then would come questions, and Louis was the answer and reason to why of such. I couldn't tell Hanna about mine and Louis' past. I couldn't tell her ever. It'd end up in a scene I don't want to imagine. Anyway, after putting everything back into proper place, I decided to make myself presentable for whatever it was that I planned on doing tonight. On weekends I'd normally stay in bed and read a novel, or study, or watch a film, or get stuck in an elevator. It was unfamiliar for me to get dressed in night attire. I wasn't exactly sure what college students did on weekend nights, but only two scenarios seemed most likely in mind- drinking, and partying. None of which I did. I hated parties, and I hated alcohol. And I doubted frat parties held beverage choices of wine or champagne. But it was apart of my rebellious want for the night. I wanted to know how it felt to be crazy and let everything go. Like Hanna's tattoo that read, 'let it go'. I cringed.

 

I was even clueless on how to dress. I assumed I was going to attend a party, and parties in college didn't exactly go for fancy attire. So I decided on something casual, but appealing to what figure I had. Light blue jean shorts, a black crop top and a dark cardigan. It was more revealing than usual. I let my hair fall in waves down my back and curled mascara onto my eyelashes. Once I looked presentable enough in my eyes, I decided it was enough. By then the sun began to set, and I heard Hanna return to the dorm. But tonight she wasn't alone. I opened my bedroom door and stepped into the living room, being greeted by Hanna and a few of her girl friends.

"Ellie, you look great." Hanna said.

Although it was a compliment, I said some very not nice things in my mind.

"Thank you," I replied with a smile.

 

One of her friends who stood closest to Hanna scoffed and chuckled sarcastically. I knew I recognized her. It was the girl who gave me crap in Professor Sim's class on my first day. I hadn't seen much of her since. She tended to skip lectures and studies quite often.

 

"Excuse me?" I asked, glaring at her.

"Ellie this is my best friend Brit. This is Ashley, Taylor, and Alyssa." She nervously pointed to her friends, introducing me.

"It's nice to meet you, Ashley, Taylor, and Alyssa." I said with a smile. "I'm Ellie."

Brit rolled her eyes. "You're the one who treated me like shit in Sim's class."

"If you call me defending myself, 'treating you like shit' then go on ahead."

"Brit, Ellie, what's going on?" Hanna looked extremely nervous.

"Your roommate is a fucking pansy." Brit laughed and flipped her hair dramatically.

"Brit!" Hanna shouted. "Why are you treating her like that?"

 

I was baffled. Hanna was defending me even though her and I weren't on the best of terms. I never even explained what happened between Brit and I on that day in class. For all Hanna could have known, I could have been lying. But she still chose to defend me. I suddenly became very conscious of all the bad I'd thought of her. Why was I mad at her? Why did I hate her? Because of Louis. He was the cause of everything. Hanna might not have been as bitchy as I thought she was. I gave her a smile for standing up for me.

 

"Anyways, Ellie." Taylor said. "Where are you headed for tonight?"

"Yeah Ellie," Hanna winked.

Brit made a noise through her nose from frustration. I laughed.

 

"I don't know, I'm going to go hang out with some friends I think." I lied. Tonight I was planning on getting hammered and forgetting all the hurt for bit. But I couldn't tell them. They'd think poorly of me. I had a good reputation and barely meeting these girls was off to a rough start. I didn't want them to think I was a lush. So I said my goodbyes to Hanna and her friends and it took every fiber and strength in me not to punch Brit in the mouth. She wasn't going to ruin tonight for me. Nobody was.

 

I left the dorm with excitement running through my veins. The elevators were still down of course, so I took the stairs and found myself on the quad, lost on where to go next. The quad was busy tonight. Students were in groups playing music on speakers and waving flags with school colors and people were dancing and cheerleaders were cheering. It was innocent fun. There was no alcohol and no adrenaline rush activities. It wasn't the type of night I wanted to endure. I saw toward the parking lot a group of people as well. Some appeared familiar, tight in a group. It looked like they were leaving campus. I ran across the quad, squeezing through students until I found my way to the lot where the group still stood. Some were tossing a football. One girl lit a cigarette. A boy grabbed a girl from the waist and kissed her for a long time. And there was Liam, waving kindly toward me.

"Hey, Ellie! Didn't expect to see you out tonight." No one did. I never left my dorm after dark. And the one time I did, I got stuck in an elevator and almost died. I hoped tonight didn't end in a freak accident or I would officially be done with life.

"Yeah I'm just bored tonight. I'm trying to find something exciting to do." I said.

"You mean getting stuck in that elevator last night wasn't exciting enough?" Liam laughed.

"Haha very funny." I rolled my eyes.

 

"So anyway, we're on our way back to my flat right now. There's a big party tonight. You in?" Of fucking course I was in. This was exciting. My first college party. Possibly the first time I'd get belligerently drunk and not feel a thing for once. But I played it cool. I acted calm and collected. "Yeah sure I'll go."

 

So we walked nearly two blocks from the campus to Liam's dorm building, all the way him and I chatting about parties and drinking and hookups and midterms and things I didn't quite seem to pay attention to. Liam was kind. But there was something about him that was odd. I couldn't lay a finger on it. Like he spoke vaguely, as if he was holding a secret and he was dying to tell me. But him and I weren't on those terms yet. May be the reason he was acting so strange.

 

The apartment building was nice. Almost identical to mine, but this one was a dorm for coed, whereas mine was a girl only building. Liam and I, and his group piled onto an elevator, which was luckily working properly, and we headed to the fifth level. The whole floor was vibrating slightly, with music raving from the end of the hall. It was Liam's dorm I assumed. He opened the door with force and a loud roar of voices shouted when he walked in. Me and his group followed after, and I suddenly had to rethink my decisions for the night. The surroundings were insane. Alcohol was everywhere and music played loudly and I didn't know you could fit so many people into one dorm apartment. I spotted Louis in the living room, sitting on the sofa awkwardly with his hand on his cheek. He didn't seem to be having fun and the party didn't seem his type. I quickly followed Liam into the kitchen before Louis saw me. Seeing as Louis and Liam shared a dorm, I still prayed I wouldn't be seeing much of him tonight. I just wanted to forget everything. So I steered my mind clear of him and everything sad. Now all I seen were red cups and people dancing close together and grinding. In the kitchen drinks were being made, and Liam handed me a cup.

 

"Do you want to take a shot?" He asked.

"Uh yeah." I said unsure. I picked up a small glass cup from the counter while Liam poured white alcohol into his. He counted from three and I brought my nose to the glass, cringing at the rancid smell. He laughed and nodded, and I tilted my head back, the drink burning down my throat in a boiling sensation. It tasted of rubbing alcohol and I didn't like it. But a minute later my head became buzzy and I wanted to do it again. So I took another shot, and then another, and then another.I downed whatever alcohol was in my red cup and then I felt the adrenaline. I felt alive. The music began bumping louder and I was in the living room dancing with strangers, finding not a care in the world to steer away from Louis. The alcohol bubbled through my veins and my heart pumped. Everything became blurry and I was offered yet again another shot. So I obliged and the liquid slid down my esophagus. This was what I wanted to feel. Within dancing and drinking and yelling and talking, I began to feel okay. Then everything went black and numb.

 

-

 

My head pounded terribly when I awoke. My tongue was dry and my stomach curdled. I had a vile taste in my mouth. I rolled over with an ache and my eyes were still encrusted with sleep. The clock read that it was early in the morning, and I tried to remember what happened last night. It was fun, but I croaked and regretted my stupid want for a rush instantly. I was confused and my memory was a dark blur. I looked down and saw I was ridded of my clothes from last night and I became worried. I was in a t-shirt, not knowing who it belonged to or how it got on me. My stomach dropped and I hoped I wasn't an idiot who mad a terrible decision. I prayed nobody took advantage of me. I prayed I didn't take advantage of anybody. The room was unfamiliar and the bed was empty. With the heel of my palm, I wiped my lids and circled my eyes around the room in still dizziness. Then came the pit of ashamedness that washed over me. My stomach tied itself into a knot and not only from the alcohol, I wanted to puke. At the floor of the bed held a pair of Van's too familiar not to recognize.

 

The shirt, the bed, the shoes, all belonged to him. The room- belonged to Louis. I was tricked and confused, and the guilt hit me hard.

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