Midnight Memories

I dont just want to know you. "He said,his lips pressed against my ear, sending ripples of pleasure down to my fingertips. "I want to know about you." I trembled under his touch, his soft yet big and rough hands so gentle against my bare shoulder.

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22. Chapter 20

 

The time has flew by so fast since Harry's been home. It's finally time to go back to Pennsylvania and I honestly don't want to leave yet. Brett and his family have been so welcoming and nice to me and Harry both and I can tell something has changed in him. I can't put my finger on it but I can feel it in the way he touches me now, the way he looks at, it's nice but...not him. 

 

Brett throws my last bag in the trunk of Louis' jeep and dust his hands off onto his jeans, pulling me into a hug. 

"Your not coming?" I ask when I notice that he is completely absent of any bags. He gives me a reassuring smile and closes the trunk. 

"I'll be back in a few weeks." 

"A few weeks? Why aren't you coming back?" 

"You need time with him and I need to stay here for a wile. I'll be back." He places his hands on my face and shoves his thumbs up, forcing me to smile. The bond me and Brett have formed will be hard to maintain without him being there for me when God forbid me and Harry fight again. I love him, I just wish that things weren't so complicated. I run my fingers through my hair and head to the front of the jeep, turning the key and letting the car roar to life. I have no idea where Harry and Lou are but I'm growing impatient as I watch Brett go back inside and everything around me grows silent. 

I finally hear Harry's husky voice getting louder as the screen door smashes open and him and Louis walk down the steps with an arm load of food. 

"What is this?" I pick up a chocolate covered granola bar. 

"Sherrie gave us food for the road?" 

"How far does she think Pennsylvania is?" I laugh and allow them to throw the food into the car. 

"Ready?" Louis calls, getting into the drivers side. I shrug and look back at the house that I've spent 3 weeks at. I would stay longer if I had the choice,and if I didn't have to worry about being a burden on Brett and his family. I turn to get into the car but feel the grasp of someones hand on my wrist. 

"Were you going to leave without saying goodbye?" Brett says, smiling. I pull myself into his chest and bury my face into his neck. 

"Of course not." We stay in our embrace until Harry clears his throat and we are forced to pull apart. 

"Bye." He breathes and I give him another smiles.

____

"How can you not see it?" Connor tells me, his hands wrapped around a coffee mug as he stares into my eyes. 

"I don't know what you're talking about?"

"Him, Harry. He's just-he's your back up plan and you know it."His laugh is encasing, so earth shattering and yet the only place I can hear it is in my dreams. I still can't believe he's gone. 

"I'm crazy, aren't I?" 

"For dating him-yeah." 

"No," I cut him off. "For seeing you." He shakes his head and let's the cup fall from his hands onto the floor. 

"Well if you would just open your eyes you would see that I'm not dead."

"Yes, you are! I saw you.I paid for your funeral-" His shakes his head one last time and he's gone. 

_______

 

"You okay?" Harry says pulling me awake. I stare into his eyes, his hands are slippery under my sweaty skin. Why do i keep having these dreams of Connor? He pulls me closer to his chest and I finally realize that we are at my house, in bed and I'm in his shirt while my previous clothes are on the floor. 

"When did we get home?"

"A few hours ago. Did you have a nightmare?" I search his eyes full of worry and decide to shake my head instead of pushing his worry further. 

"I'm fine." I kiss his cheek and rest my head onto his chest. "I'm fine. 

"Okay?"   I want to tell Harry about my crazy freaking nightmare but that would help zero. I press myself further into his chest and we fall asleep. 

The last three weeks have carried on this way, us staying coped up in the house me falling asleep having to have him wake me in cold sweat. Me trying my best to stay collected for his sake but failing miserably. My mother has called twice this week trying to talk to me and make me feel better with Harry coming home and everything but I really don't need to speak to her right now. Not yet, it's to soon. I've seen the way Harry's looked at me with that awareness of the tragedy happening under my shell and I can't deal with him going through my self-pity when he just got out of this stupid coma! I hate myself for putting him through this, this is too much tragedy for one person and I'm afraid I'll lose him again. 

 

Zayn has picked him up for the day to get him out of the house after I've called him 4 times and then Liam, but he finally called me back and offered to take him out. I sit in bed looking over the last message Connor sent me before he passed. 

 

Just know that I won't stop because you were my first. 

 

I have to stop this. I'm driving myself insane with all this guilt. Every fiber within myself forces my fingers away from the small green phone that will direct me to his voicemail.  

 

Quiin, he's gone you have to stop this. 

 

I know, I've know this for months now but I can't stop thinking about what if it was me that killed him, what is the coincidence that he and Harry would end up in the same car accident? What's the coincidence that he would die from it and haunt my dreams every night pulling me further down into this chasm of depression. 

"Quiin?" Harry's voice breaks through me, I turn to him standing in the threshold of our bedroom his jacket slung over his shoulder. I hadn't noticed the door open downstairs or his footsteps approaching. 

"Hey," I breath, exiting the message. 

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing," I shrug. "Just checking a few things." I force a smile and hop up off the bed. "Did you have fun?"

"Yeah, Ella got sick so Zayn had to go help Perrie. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." He shakes his head and throws his jacket down onto the bed. 

"I know somethings wrong and it's just gonna bother me until you tell me. What's wrong?" I shrug causing him to grab me by my chin and force my eyes to his. 

"Quiiny, tell me."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because you'll think I'm crazy. I know you will or you'll think I'm still holding on to feelings." He wipes the tear that is now crawling down my cheek. 

"Feelings for what? Tell me." He's growing impatient now. 

"I miss him. I think?"

"Who? Connor?" I nod and his face turns pale as he stumbles backwards. " I don't miss him. I just, I don't know. I feel so guilty and I don't want to bother you with this because you're recovering and I just don't want to lose you because you think I want him or something." He sits down at the edge of the bed and press his palms to his knees. "Say something. Please?"

"I think- I think that you still love him." What? My throat goes dry as he looks back at me with sadness behind those beautiful green emeralds. 

"Harry-I love you." 

"I know," He says. "But, you love him. You had to at one point, right? I think that the guilt comes from you pushing him away when he wanted you most but he was in a bad place and I'm not saying he deserved to die, but he kinda deserved to die, Quiin." I stay quiet processing his words. "He was a bad person. He was going to blackmail you, he violated you in a bathroom and he tried to destroy our relationship. No matter how much you love me you'll love him through all of that. Because he was your first and you two will always love each other." Connor's text echoes through my mind. 

 

Just know that I won't stop because you were my first. 

 

"But I love you more." He says as he takes my hand in his and pulls me to his chest. 

 

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