Why can't I be perfect?

I have issues. I have lots of them. How will I survive?
This is the story of Bryony James. A 16 year old girl who is struggling with anorexia and depression.
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9. PART 2: One Step Back

I can't imagine what is going on but I have self-harmed again.

This week has been bad. I feel really stressed and my feelings are confusing me. I don't know whether I am upset or angry, depressed or just sad. I skipped lunch on Tuesday and self-harmed on Wednesday morning and Thursday morning, on my hands and wrists. I should feel guilty but it made me feel better and helped me through the day which I know is wrong. My conscience is screaming at me to stop, just stop, but I don't think that I can. I should have prayed and trusted God more but I suppose I found the devil’s option easier. A way out of difficulties just to encounter more and more.

There are so many things I need to learn but I just feel too insecure to step forward. It’s like I’m hanging from a cliff and I’m nearly out of touching distance but I’ve got stuck and can’t move. I know there is help but I can’t describe my inner feelings to get exactly what I need. To put it more plainly, I don't know what it is that I am feeling so I can hardly tell anyone, can I?

Victoria and Mollie told me that they were there for me and that I shouldn’t give in and shouldn't listen to the evil temptation of trying to destroy myself.  Victoria knew how far I had come over the summer and begged me not to turn back to Satan. Unfortunately, I wasn’t listening to them or God and it happened.

***

There are so many things that I can't get right.

Everything seems so difficult at the moment. I just feel very depressed. I keep on giving in to self-harm. It was only today when I cut my wrist, hand and arm again. I’m certain that one day soon I will go too far and cut a vein or an artery which scares me and terrifies me. But I can’t seem to stop. I know that I should pray but I feel so unworthy and unable to ask God for anything. I have been reading ‘Saving Daisy’ by Phil Earle about a girl in a similar situation to me. I can’t tell whether the book is helping me or not though. It makes me want to self-harm even more and I feel helpless that I cannot help her, let alone myself.

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