Why can't I be perfect?

I have issues. I have lots of them. How will I survive?
This is the story of Bryony James. A 16 year old girl who is struggling with anorexia and depression.
See what you think and please give any suggestions you may have for the story.

3Likes
9Comments
2063Views
AA

6. Deteriorating Quickly

I did self-harm again; on the side of my body where no one could see and criticise the way I was expressing my feelings and the pain I kept getting weighed down by. Safety pins were useful to remove the sadness and confusion that I felt. I felt more alone than ever at school and at home. I could talk to no one. I felt as though I was a desert island and I couldn’t explain myself to anyone; only God knew my true feelings, which was more than I did. I couldn’t tell whether I was angry, afraid, scared or just wallowing in self-pity.

Mum noticed my negative mood yesterday. It looks like she realised that there’s a problem. I don’t think I can deal with her interfering in my personal life. It only makes me feel worse about myself and leads to greater damage. She also noticed I’ve begun to eat less, so her newest mission as become ‘Get Bryony eating again’. Why does she do this to me? I was under control of my life, my weight and my health but now I’m going to be struggling again.

When I do eat I feel like a fraud, disloyal to what I’ve been ‘told’ by my friend Ana. Ana says she knows what’s best for me and forces me to obey. Afterwards, I punish myself with self-inflicted pain, verbal abuse and an even longer period of starvation. Eating is giving way to temptation and cannot be tolerated. I have come to view it as a sin, especially when I eat more than I have trained myself to consume. I cannot go against my ideals or I will be a total failure in life. Perfection is all I can aim for but it’s so hard. It seems like I’ll never become perfect.

To explain it to you, reader, it’s like I’ve been possessed but it’s only an internal effect. No one on the outside has noticed and this astonishes me. It seems blatantly obvious to me. I have become more closed and I can feel myself retreating, ready to lock the doors between me and those who were once close to me. I cannot let them in; not now, even if they try techniques that should work. I am a rock, I have no cracks, and no one can get in and wear me away. No one can shoulder my burden, whatever they say. I cannot admit it to them. Too soon they forget and think I’ve got over it all when inside I’m screaming and shouting for help. But they don’t hear, they just turn and walk away.

***

So much of my life is fake; being happy, saying ‘I’m fine’ a million times a day, smiling, eating unwanted meals, sleeping. Where is the truth? My brain is a war zone, different thoughts and feelings surrounding me each and every minute. I can’t control them. I have complicated arguments in my head and I don’t even understand them myself, I get utterly confused. I don’t know where I stand; I even believe that Zoe and Mollie are deserting me. I know they have their own problems but I thought that they cared a bit and would still support me.

My emotions are running riot, it could be puberty but I shouldn’t feel the way that I do. I can’t even explain it. That’s partly why I can tell no one about this. I can’t find the words. I just feel fat and ugly, unwanted and a failure.

Join MovellasFind out what all the buzz is about. Join now to start sharing your creativity and passion
Loading ...