Why can't I be perfect?

I have issues. I have lots of them. How will I survive?
This is the story of Bryony James. A 16 year old girl who is struggling with anorexia and depression.
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10. Collapse

How can I explain what has happened when even I don’t know.

It was a few weeks ago when I fainted in my Biology lesson. We were only watching a video, a boring one at that, when I completely collapsed and had to be taken to the college medical room. As I sat waiting for the nurse to become free so that I could be checked over to ensure I was ok before being sent back to my lesson.

I considered running away; fainting was a sign of weakness, a sign that I was not good enough, that I should try harder.

I closed my eyes in the hope that I could get out of the medical room and continue with my life as soon as possible. I didn't want to talk to a nurse, or anyone for that matter.

This was not to be the case though. When I went through to see the nurse she started to ask questions. Questions are never a good sign.

'How are you feeling?'

Was this woman stupid or did she not realise I had just fainted? I decided to be honest with her here though.

'A little shaky. I have just fainted.'

'OK. Have you been sleeping well recently?'

What did one say to that? Obviously I was knackered; this was GCSE year and I was a perfectionist.

'Of course I have. School is tiring. I have to go to bed at 9:30 every night.'

'Well, have you been eating properly?'

I considered what to say to this but the nurse noticed by hesitation in answering her question. I had thought for a moment too long. She must have been trained to spot nanosecond hesitations.

'Bryony, I will repeat my question, have you been eating properly?'

There was a concerned look in the nurse’s eye and she smiled gently at me. But I still couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth.

'Yes.' I stammered.

My face flushed and my heart beat sped up rapidly. I could hear myself breathing heavily. I couldn't admit it. Not yet. Not when I was doing so well.

'Okay. If you say so. But if anything happens again, you are to come straight here to the medical room and wait to see me. There is something going on and I am going to get to the bottom of it, Bryony. I hope you do the sensible thing. Now, off you go to your lesson.'

She opened the door for me and I walked past her, straight through the main medical room area and out into the corridor. I walked as quickly as I could to the nearest toilets, locked the door behind me, slid onto the floor and wept.

She knew. It was obvious. I was going to have to avoid this area of college from now on for fear of meeting the school nurse again.

After allowing myself five hours of crying I got up and wiped my eyes. A quick look in the mirror showed that I looked none the worse for it so I gathered my bag and coat and made my way back to Biology.

I was going to be fine. No one could tell me what to do and, anyway, what was the sensible thing to do? She didn't know me; if she had done she would know that my brain was currently incapable of making any rational decisions.

 

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