Why can't I be perfect?

I have issues. I have lots of them. How will I survive?
This is the story of Bryony James. A 16 year old girl who is struggling with anorexia and depression.
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7. A Struggle

The next day was particularly bad. I woke up depressed and stayed that way for the rest of the day. I didn’t talk all morning but I was slightly cheered up at the History test results when I got an A. It was close to getting what I really wanted, an A*. I stayed happy, in a positive mood, until I finished doing homework at half eight that evening. I struggled to prevent myself self-harming again that night but failed and caused a fair amount of blood loss which definitely shocked me.  I was a bit taken aback by the way I felt and what my responsive actions were.

I know that I need someone to save me, I know I should ask for help from someone but I don’t know how to. I told Mollie I didn’t want to see someone but she just said it was serious and it was my only chance of recovery. I know I hurt her by saying no but I just don’t feel brave enough to do anything else. How can I tell someone what is happening to me when I’m not even sure myself? I just can’t cope with the stress of having to explain myself and my feelings to someone, especially a counsellor or doctor.

I keep considering running away, leaving all the problems and sadness behind, going solo and spending my time trying to understand myself and forgetting everything else. I’m ashamed to admit I would do that to Mollie and Zoe but not Victoria or my family. They mean too much and I couldn’t hurt them. I love them too much and they have helped me so much that they don’t deserve to be treated in that way. I wouldn’t be able to cope with leaving them, not yet, when I’m still slightly sane.

***

I wish I knew how to make these bad thoughts and feelings go away, to abolish them forever. It should be easy but it isn’t really. I know that I want to be happy. I know how to go about it. I have taken the second step but not the first.

 I have asked God to help me and feel as though I am closer to him than I felt on Sunday when I just cried and cried because I knew I was slipping away from Him and I wanted to go back and have His merciless, unfailing love supporting me. I have God with me now but I have not fully acknowledged the fact there is a problem. There probably isn’t and I’m just worrying about nothing but I need the everlasting love of someone to keep me on the right side of life.

I just can’t seem to face I may be suffering depression and some other things too. I’ve had so many people telling me that I have anorexic tendencies, paranoia and anxiety it’s unreal. I feel as though I am on the road to recovering as best as I can but I know I will need all the help I can get from Victoria, Zoe and Mollie; if I make friends with Mollie again. Hayley thinks I will but she doesn’t understand the circumstances of our disagreement. It’s got so many complications.

I need support and I will get better. Victoria was right; I do have the will power and the motivation to succeed. I don’t want to suffer anymore; I will not suffer any longer, if I can just escape; escape this dark abyss I have fallen into.

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