I Can't Live Without You

This is a story about what would happen if my greatest fear came true

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5. chapter 4

*A/N* this is going to be a flashback in matildas pov before she died and I'm really sorry if its short.

 

Matildas POV

*FLASHBACK*

I was trying to be as quiet as I could because Char is in the next room sleeping. I know it’s a really bad thing to cut but it helps take the pain away. I looked up at the clock on the wall and it said it was 330 am. I tried being quiet as I rifled through the draws looking for my razor. Yes I found it. I felt all my worries leave as the blades glided over my stomach, but shit it was bleeding more than usual. I think I went a little bit deeper than I was supposed to.

"Tilly?" I looked up quickly to find Charlotte standing in the doorway with tears running down her face.

"Char it's not what it looks li-"

"It's not what it looks like? It's not what it looks like? There's fucking blood all over the floor and your holding a-a razor with cuts all your stomach. Why are you doing this Tills?"

" It's just so hard Char. You guys are always so happy and I want to be like that but I can't."

" Talk to me T."

"Mum hates me and no one really likes me. I've heard everyone at school bitch and whinge about me. How I'm only sitting with them cause you sit there. I love James and he knows that but now he doesn’t want to talk to me and it hurts so much to be ignored by the one you love. Olli, I loved him but I wasn’t in love with him. That’s why it didn’t work out. You’re the only person that loves me on this earth Char and I wont forget that but this is how I take away my pain. When I cut its like all my worries and fears are gone until the next time something bad happens. I'm constantly getting yelled at by mum and dads problems are really starting to affect us. I hardly come out and talk to them anymore and its pissing me off. But when I cut I'm in control. I can go as deep as I want and no one can stop me because its my body."

Charlotte was sitting on the floor sobbing at this point. I never wanted to make her cry, but she's so fragile. I love her so much but not even she can help me out with this.

" T can you stop for me? Please."

" Okay. I will. I swear on our life. I'm sorry Char I didn’t mean to make you cry."

" it's fine T. I'm just scared that your going to take it to far one day. I don’t want you to leave me. If you ever left I would probably just shut down and never talk again. I don’t know what I would do without you. I always thought you were the strongest one out of all of us."

"I'm sorry Char. I'll stop."

That was the first time I ever lied or broke a promise to Char. What she didn’t know wasn’t going to hurt her right? I'm just so tired of living on Earth where I'm unwanted. Mum has an old rope in the barn and I'm going to do it tomorrow night. I've already written my note and  I know it's going to kill Char but I need to leave. The only way I'm going to be happy ever again is if I leave. I'm really sorry Char. I'll always love you little sis.

 

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