I Can't Live Without You

This is a story about what would happen if my greatest fear came true

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4. chapter 3

Its your funeral today. I still haven't really talked to anyone. We knew you don’t really like the colour black so were all in blue and green. Its been a while since I have seen everyone from our group in the same spot at once. To be honest everyone looked like shit but Harry looked like the worst. James has gotten better and has stopped self harming and the girls have started to move on but Harry, Harry was devastated. He doesn’t draw or paint anymore. He's stopped speaking and eating to people as well. He got kicked out when I told his parents he was self harming. They claimed they weren't going to live with a suicidal freak. I felt really bad so he is staying with me now. He hasn’t stopped cutting and it looks really bad. He doesn’t cut on his wrists though… that would be to obvious. Instead he cuts on his stomach and his legs. He can hardly move let alone walk because of all the pain so mum has put him in a mental program to help him out. I cried for the first time about your death today. Once I started I couldn’t stop and everyone was staring at me with sadness in there eyes. Sympathy. If I could talk I would have told them to stop because I fucking hate sympathy. Olli was there as well and all he did was stare at me. It wasn’t an I'm sorry stare but it wasn't a glare either. I really wish I didn’t have to be here right now. Well here I go its time to do your eulogy. I got asked to do it and I said yes straight away.

 

" Uh hello. For those who don't know me I'm Charlotte Harris. Today we are all here to honour Matilda Horan's life and all her achievements. Tilly was my best friend, my sister. I knew for a while she had been having some problems and was depressed. She had been self harming. When I approached her about it she told me she would stop. She promised me she would stop. She broke that promise to me so many times and it was making me angry but at the same time it broke my heart. Everyday I would hug her and tell her she deserves to be here. She would just say she was fine and she didn’t know what I was talking about. On a particular day I noticed she was acting weird. When I asked her what was wrong she just broke down and started crying."

*FLASHBACK*

" babe what's wrong?"
"Char i don't deserve to be here. I don’t deserve you guys I don’t deserve anything. I'm such a fuck up even my mum hates me."

"Tilly your not a fuck up. I don’t care who the fuck tells you that but you aren't. You shouldn’t listen to shit like that."

" I am a fuck up. I don’t deserve to be here."

"No tilly its true. Your not a fuck up and you do deserve to be here. You’re the best person I know and if you left then I would leave just to be with you. Your amazing and smart and beautiful. It makes me cry because of how you think so lowly of yourself. You’re the best person I know. I-I love you. We love you. Ple-please stop thinking ba-ad thoughts."

"See even I make you cry because I'm such a fuck up. I'm sorry Char. I'll try to stop buts it's s hard."

 

*PRESENT*

" nothing could describe the pain that I'm sure everyone is feeling at the moment. Especially to her other close friends and her family. The day that sh-she ahh hung herself she wrote me a note. Because she only wanted me to see it she wrote it in our special sister code, but she wanted me to tell some people things. James, she wanted me to tell you that she loves you and she's sorry. She said she always loved you and she always will. Harry, Kat and Preya she said she loves you as well. She said she's sorry to you Kat because she knows it will be harder on you because your so kind hearted. To Olli, she said that’s she's glad you have me and that she's sorry it didn’t work out between you guys. You guys were a better couple anyway. And finally to her family. To her mum, She's sorry for being a failure in her life. She was never in the top classes and dint always pass her exams. She's sorry for lying to you all the time. Tell Anthony, pearl and rose I love them and I cant wait to see them grow up. Even though I wont be there with them in person I will be there with them in spirit. To her dad, she wants you to stop drinking to grow up and take responsibility for his life and help out with the kids. Tilly was the best person I have ever known and it was a pleasure to know her. I hope wherever she is that she is happy and I will see you again soon."

I couldn’t go to the wake afterwards. I didn’t want to get peoples bullshit  sympathy and celebrate on how your in a happy place. Instead I went home and cried myself to sleep. Its getting harder Tilly. I still haven't got completely used to the idea that your gone. Today I went to call you and realised that you weren't going to be there. I cried after that. Rose and pearl don’t fully understand yet either. They keep asking when your coming home or when your going to wake up. I miss you so much Tills, but I meant what I said. I'll see you soon.

Char xxx

 

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