I Can't Live Without You

This is a story about what would happen if my greatest fear came true

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3. Chapter 2

Its been a week since you've left and I got put into therapy. I haven't talked to anyone since  I told the others. They aren't taking it very well. Olli hasn’t talked to anyone and well, the others just shut down. Kat and Preya just cant seem to stop crying, James keeps saying its his fault and Harry has started self harming. Even a few teachers at school have been struggling to cope. Even though I have to go to a therapist I don’t talk to her. Instead I have started to write these leers to you in a diary I bought. Your funeral is tomorrow and I promised myself I wouldn't cry but I know I will. Why did you leave Tills? I always thought you were the strongest out of all of us. I haven't cried yet. I don’t know why but I just cant. I sit in my room and stare at a wall all day. Mum's worried about me and she keeps trying to get me to go out or talk or eat. I've lost about 3 kilos this week. I want to join you so badly but mums watching my every move. Do you know how fucking painful it is to stay here without you. I've never been suicidal but without you being here I just feel empty. Its like when you left you took my soul with you. I'm just an empty shell with no energy and no feelings.  I don’t eat and I don’t sleep I just stare. Mum talks to me but I just cant talk back to her.

"char are you even listening to me?"

"char why cant you talk to us?"
"honey i know this is hard but please just talk to me?"

"CHAR JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME!!PLEASE!!"

That was the first time I had ever heard my mum swear like that before. It frightened me that she did but I know she's doing it because she cares about me. I just looked at her and shook my head. I couldn’t. I knew that as soon as I started to talk I would break down and I need to stay strong. I'm sorry that I failed you Till. I should be there with you instead of staying here. I don’t know if your lonely but I sure am. Your mum hasn’t been very well and she gave me some of your things to have. She gave me your one direction blanket and I have it in my room. She doesn’t know that I have all your letters though. The ones you wrote to yourself before you cut. The ones where you would beat yourself up while looking happy all the time. Why would you do that to yourself? You were so perfect. I don’t mean that in a bad way but you were. You always said you were a screw up and that you didn’t deserve to be here but you weren't. Your not a fuck up. Your beautiful and smart and funny and you did deserve to be here. Do you remember that time in history that when we went crazy sir only laughed at us? That’s because you make everyone around you happy. You just have that loveable thing about you where no one can hate you. I miss you so much but I guess all angels have to go home at some point don’t they? The others constantly wish that you never did it but I guess it was better than staying and being unhappy your whole life, but I wish that you told me you were going to do it so I could do it with you. If you had of told me it could have been both of us up there together with the angels. I think James is taking it the worst. He keeps saying if he had of loved you back then you wouldn’t have left and you could have stayed and everybody would be happy. He and harry have started to self harm and its scaring me. I told there parents though. I don’t want to lose them as well. You leaving was hard enough. I don’t know what I would do if my brother and my best friend left as well. Harry isn't suicidal he just wants to take away the pain. Its James I'm worried about. He says he wants to be up there with you but I cant. He was so angry with me when I told his parents…

 

*FLASHBACK*

" why the fuck would you tell my parents Char? Why? I just want to fucking leave and be with her! I cant fucking stand it here anymore. I fucking hate you Charlotte! If you hadn't told my parents then I would be fucking happy!"

" James please don’t. I love you. Please! I don’t want you to leave me as well. Its hard enough without Tilly. If you left I would be all alone." James just broke down and hugged me.

"I'm so sorry Char I don’t mean it! I love you as well but its just so fucking hard. I feel empty. I loved her you know. I loved her not in a brotherly way. I was going to ask her to be my girlfriend on Monday. Couldn’t she have waited just two more days?"

" I don’t know potato. I wish she had of told me she was going to because then I would have gone with her. It just hurts to much to stay here on my own without her."

"I know Char, I know…"

 

*PRESENT*

I haven't heard from Olli except a text from him saying it was all my fault and that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I didn’t cry or feel hurt because I cant fucking feel anymore. I'm sorry I failed you Tilly. I'm sorry…

Char xxx

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