For You, Zack

I love and hate at the same time. It is time to let it all out. I am letting this all out to you, Zack. You hold me together without even knowing it.

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9. Us Talking

Dear Zack,

I actually have told you this:

He broke all of his promises to me. I know He did not lie about a thing, but He did break all of His promises. He said that I was so pretty, and he said it all the time. No one else had ever called me pretty before Him. I had only ever heard that I was ugly and a waste of time. Then He fell in love with me and I felt wanted. Now that He is gone, I do not feel pretty at all. I again feel like a waste of time. I have not told you I like you because I am afraid I will waste your time. I like you too much to waste your time and bother you constantly. The only thing I have is my weight. I am really skinny, but I still feel fat. I am not underweight. You told me that at only 100 pounds I am very skinny, but I do not want to believe you. I know that most of the weight I have is muscle, but I still feel fat. You told me to be proud of myself. I do not want to believe a thing you say.

 

This I did not and will not tell you:

I really like you. I really want to get close to you, but am too afraid to. I got too close to Him and stayed there for so long, but then He decided that we were not working. I cannot handle another break up that is so painful right now. I really like you, and do not want to loose you as a friend, but also do not want to get close enough to you even just as a friend for you to break me. I am so fragile right now that even whispering near me might nock me off balance and I would shatter.

I have always had trust issues, so I hope that you do not take me blocking you out of how I really feel offensive. The truth being, Kevin did not cause my trust issues. He actually made them go away. I started opening up to people when He was with me. I have a messed up character of a father that caused so much pain in our family that his memory makes people tense up. Kevin tore down my wall of privacy when we were together. Now, without Him, it is back up and is going to stay for a very long time. I have few friends that know the truth about you or what I really want in life. I am so closed up right now that I am afraid to let you in. I really want to let you in, but He broke my heart and I do not want you to as well. My heart has been stomped on and crushed and dropped so many more times than it has been polished and pampered and loved. I do not want to trust anyone. I am very reluctant to trust you. I guess I really do not. I am writing this to you here while I could be telling this all to you instead.

Thinking about it, I do trust you. I know you would never tell anyone about any of this because you are such a good friend. I do not trust my own heart anymore to bring anyone closer. I do not know if I can trust you or not because my heart says I can, but my mind is telling me not to listen to it anymore. I listened to my heart, and look where it got me now. I am no where in life because I listened to my heart. It is time to listen to my head. You will never know of any of this because I will make sure you never find it. You will never know anything about how I really feel because my heart has a disease right now and I do not know anyone with the cure.

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