Learning to Trust

*Sequel to Different From the Rest*
Kady is grown up now. She is now eighteen, a far cry from fourteen. There is no One Direction, if you asked your kids about them they'd be like "are you high again?" Kady's stutter is long gone, but the fears from it will never surrender. Being alone, forgotten, useless. Mainly she can't trust, anyone, not others around her, not herself. She makes a mistake that can't be fixed, and must go on with her life. Kady has to learn that you must leave the past behind you before you can move forward and not all mountains can be moved. It's a bowl of cherries, with a few-no many, nuts thrown in.


26. Weak, Dying, Dead

I can feel my hands becoming cold and clammy. Actually, my entire body feels cold and clammy. The nurse has left about half an hour ago. As I'm told, the hospital people are "closely" monitoring the machine hooked up to me from another room. Everyone is still sound asleep. My hand is still intertwined with Liam's. I want to watch television, but I don't want to risk waking up the three people in the room. They came here for me when they had lives to live, the least I can do is let them sleep. I'm still feeling lightheaded and I think it is having an affect over my whole body. My body is stiff and it's as if my cells won't cooperate with what my brain is telling it to do. With all my strength, I pull my thin blanket off of me. I swing my legs to the side of the bed and I stay there. I'm looking away from company and out the window into the pitch black night. The only light shown was the lights from buildings. It looks quite pretty, it reminds me of Kansas City at dawn. It's just a magical feeling-in that case, Florida. You know Disney, the most magical place on Earth?! Haha I'm hilarious. I put my hand that's not holding Liam's and I put it over my stomach. I focus on controlling my breathing, just as I was taught how to do. But something's seriously wrong. I can't inflate my chest enough to get a lot of air into my body. I barely scrape enough oxygen to stay alive every second. I can feel my pulse spring up as I panic. I try to call out for help, but my voice falls flat and lone notes come out every once in a while. Calm down Kady, you are just making this worse. Again, I try to control my breathing in hopes my pulse will die down, but it doesn't. I try moving Liam's arm around, but all he does is face the other direction in his sleep. Oh, I wish I could do something. Where are these doctors? They're supposed to come in and check on me every half hour. It's been roughly an hour and fifteen minutes since they came last. Is this their fault? Maybe they were giving me medicine to help me breathe and now since I don't have more, I'm dying? Okay, that's bullshit and you know it. My head feels too heavy for my body and I fall back down onto my pillow. I press my fingers to my temples trying to get rid of the throbbing in my head. Nothing helps, this will be a very long night. It feels as if a slight breeze has gone through the room. I try to tell my hands to pull up my blanket, but nothing works. I try to use all of my ATP, but nothing works. My cells are just not cooperating. My breathing becomes even harder. Not enough oxygen is getting to my lungs now. The few breaths I have are rough and jagged, as if I just finished running a 5k at full speed. I'm completely frozen still, before was my chance to call out, but I wasted it. I only have myself to blame. I will face the results of my actions. Who knows what even triggered this illness. Maybe my addiction to my iPhone and the radiation will kill me. Maybe my love for eating meat, maybe junk food isn't really junk. Possibly how I always go to sleep with a wool blanket, it's the only kind of blanket that keeps me warm. So no one knows, and they probably never will. Some people believe there is global warming today, what if it's actually global cooling? We would never know. I'll leave this earth with so many questions unanswered. What if chewing gum is worse than smoking? What if reading makes one better at sports? So many questions, so little time since I keep panting. How have the doctors not come in yet? My pulse is skyrocketing and the machine is making a small beeping noise. I'm pretty sure people in Canada can hear it. Even if there's no doctor, at least someone in the hallway must hear it. How does this sound not wake up Liam nor Eleanor? My eyes start to flutter closed as I struggle to keep them open. One blink and my eyes may stay closed forever. I open my eyes wide, as if in a staring contest. Somehow the cells near my eyes are working, just not anywhere else. I don't question it. My eyelids feel heavy and I have to put in more effort to reopen them than any effort I've put into a test. You can't fall asleep, you can't die. But this is the circle of life, once one thing dies, another takes its place. 

I can't fight it anymore. For the last five minutes, I've collected my last bits of energy into keeping my eyes open. That's why I'm freezing and I pretty sure I'm paralyzed from the shoulders down. I can't feel anything either. I try bitting my lip to keep going, but all it does is make me want to jump out of a window. I truly try to stay alive but it's just not working. I'm almost blind, except for a small square of light in the corner of my eye. With the blotch of light, I look over at Liam. I love you to bits and I'll miss you more than you'll ever miss me. And that's a promise. My eyes close completely and I can't open them. I exhale one last breath and I let go. 

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