Learning to Trust

*Sequel to Different From the Rest*
Kady is grown up now. She is now eighteen, a far cry from fourteen. There is no One Direction, if you asked your kids about them they'd be like "are you high again?" Kady's stutter is long gone, but the fears from it will never surrender. Being alone, forgotten, useless. Mainly she can't trust, anyone, not others around her, not herself. She makes a mistake that can't be fixed, and must go on with her life. Kady has to learn that you must leave the past behind you before you can move forward and not all mountains can be moved. It's a bowl of cherries, with a few-no many, nuts thrown in.


18. Birthday List

The next three years have been the longest ones of my life. I've been in and out of hospitals and I've been clinging on to dear life. Several times I've been told that I only have a week or so to live, but I've made it past then every single time. Somehow. When I'm not in the hospital, I spend most of my time in bed. If I really feel like I have a lot of strength, then I might take a walk on the beach or take Nadi Drew to dance lessons. Those days are very rare. Days have mostly been filled with me watching television and having a few visitors. El's pregnant again, not a big surprise! Perrie and Zayn have a son named Bradford. Lena and Harry got married and Niall and Peyton are engaged. Everyone has so much going on in there lives except for me, I live in bed. Liam and I have been able to keep Nadi Drew out of the public eye. Well, she's never been outside of this town before. Every Thanksgiving, Christmas has had relatives coming over here. She can't live like this forever, but it will have to do for now. Tomorrow's her birthday, June 15, and I still can't figure out what to get her. Maybe just a day with me looking presentable, she won't have to hide who her mother is. We could go out to eat or go shopping at the mall. I place my palms on the bed underneath me and I lift myself up. I place one toe on the ground at a time, I'm making progress here. The cold wood floor sends a shiver up my spine. Everyday everything feels cold to my body. It's because my body uses all my energy to try to fight off the sickness, so it can't use the energy to keep me at a good body temperature. I walk one foot in front of the other to my closet. I put on jeans, a pink tank top and a grey cardigan, it's the best you'll get me to dress in. After brushing my greasy hair, I put it into a messy ponytail. I walk downstairs where the smell of freshly brewed coffee wafers throughout the room. Liam is at the stove with Nadi Drew making pancakes. He's showing her how to flip a pancake. He guides her hand as they do it. 
"Mommy will love this babe," Lam says kissing her forehead. 
"Mommy right there," Nadi Drew points to me while giggling. 
"So she is, why don't you go show her where she will sit at the table."
She runs over to me and puts my hands on her shoulders. It's to help me walk, I could collapse at any second and this will give me the strength to get better. 
"Follow me Mommy," she says looking over her right shoulder. I nod, she is wearing my and Niall's favorite dress in her. She mainly likes it because Niall likes it, Niall said she looked like a princess in it. Nadi Drew is so much like Samara, well with the whole loving Niall thing. Samara just turned ten a few months ago. She is literally the best sister I could ask for. Nadi Drew helps me sit down in a chair, "Mommy, are you feeling better today?"
"Oh yes, the doctors will fix my boo boos in no time. But, Heaven is a wonderful place. I'll go there first, and then you just wait, you'll go there too and we will have tea parties everyday and Mommy will never be sick," I say bringing tears to my sore eyes. 
"Okay!" she says jumping up to hug me. 
"Nadi Drew, get off of Mommy! She's very weak and doesn't need a monkey like you hurting her more!" Liam says coming over to tickle our daughter. She laughs and screams from Liam. 
"Okay, go to the bathroom before we leave," he says. Nadi Drew nods her head and skips over into the bathroom. There's a silence between Liam and I for a while. 
"Um, I got Nadi Drew's birthday list," Liam says handing me a wrinkled up sheet of paper. He sits down next to me as I read it. It says 'al i want fr me brthda is fr mommy two b beter so wee can pla.' Liam's eyes are watering up. Though I can barely read this, it is the only thing that could make us laugh and cry. Me getting better, really? Is that the only thing she wants? There must be something else she wants, a doll, a bike, something I can actually get her. But I don't know if she wants any of those, I don't spend enough time around her. An idea I've wanted to say to Liam for a long time pops into my head, "Li, if I die, will you raise Nadi Drew in the Catholic Church?"
I know this is a little far fetched. I don't want her literally living in a church, but I want her to go to church every Sunday and enroll in CCD when she's in first grade. We made the promise that we would when we got married. The only problem is, Liam isn't religious. Religion is actually a sore subject between the two of us. Li isn't religious, and I'm a Catholic girl. I hold my breath as he answers, "Why though?"
"Because it's important for me to spread my faith," I say. 
"Well if God loved you so much, then he wouldn't give you this sonafabitch sickness."
"He doesn't always give you what you want, but He gives you what you need. Like I needed to be pregnant with Nadi Drew to probably save my life."
"I just don't understand the importance if having a religion, it does nothing to a person."
"If you can't respect the one thing I ask you to do for my daughter, then how can I ask you for anything?" I turn around, tears of betrayal welling up in my eyes.  
"Wait, Kady!"
"No, the one thing I want to do. You won't do anything I think is best for our or someone else's lives. I might as well take Nadi Drew and get the hell out of this shit hole," I say not making eye contact. I go up to our room, slam and lock the door behind me. I jump onto the bed and cry. Why am I even crying. I don't think it's about church, but rather about not being able to trust Liam with our daughter when I leave this world. 

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