My Journal

My life is one big mess of tangled up headphones.

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19. The breakdown

I am starting year 12 next year which is the last year of high school. We have started the classes for year 12 now and I'm terrified. I've been looking forward to this for years and now it's here, I'm so scared. I don't think I'll be smart enough and I don't think I'll be able to handle it all. I'm already having a breakdown about it and today was only the second day. I don't feel as though I'm old enough or ready for it but I have no choice. I thought I would be so excited for my last year because it means only a year left before I go travelling but now I've talked myself into being scared about travelling because I'll only be 18 still and I feel as though I will feel really young and not ready for it all, but I've wanted to go travelling for years. Of course a little fear won't stop me but I am a little worried on how I will cope and deal with everything.

This past week or so I have been feeling a little down, and I'm a little worried that I might be slipping back into the darkness. Although I think it might just be that I haven't been busy because I can't do much since I had my knee operation. I just hope that when I start working again I feel a little better and distracted from myself. I wouldn't cope if I felt so alone, sad and tired as I use too, not with school anyway. I think it would destroy me, but I'm scared because it's started again that it will continue creeping back. What would I even do? I have school and work to focus on. My life had been going really well the past few months and for that all to go down the drain and start again would be so hard. But I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens. 

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