My Journal

My life is one big mess of tangled up headphones.

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13. Struggling in some ways..

This is my fourth week of work and it's been going pretty good. Although I've only done two shifts by myself and it took me ages to finish everything but I guess I'll eventually get better at it. I still get nervous before I go to work though and then once I'm there it's all fine and I do what I have to do. It's just my head playing up and torturing me. I hope that maybe after a few more weeks of work I'll be fine and won't stress about going to work. 

I have been planning for a few weeks that I was going to get things organised in my life for school and stuff and just life in general. Although I've gotten no where and I hate that. I was actually excited about getting my life together. I was planning to go to bed early and get up earlier so I wasn't sleeping in too much and I haven't done one single thing about it. I have no motivation to actually get up and do something. I've just been sitting around at home watching TV or sitting in bed on my computer. I just feel so lazy but I don't want to do something, I can't be bothered. It's just so unfair because I really want to get my life together but I can't. I need help, I feel like I need antidepressants or something so that maybe my life would be a bit more brighter and useful. I use to think, not long ago actually, that for now until I finished school it didn't matter that I felt like this because when I finished school I would be free and I could go traveling and it would be worth it. But It's going to be harder than I thought. Because how do you get through life living through this? All I'm doing is waiting for the days I'm not working or the days I don't have to get out of bed and leave the house. When school starts again I'll be living for the weekend but only if I'm not working. It's literally how I'm getting through life at the moment. I'm excited for tomorrow because I'm not working and I just worked three days in a row and through them three days all I've thought about is my day off. It's just ridiculous that that's how I have to live for me to survive.  

I guess one day it will be worth it. It's just waiting for that day to come that will kill me. 

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