My Journal

My life is one big mess of tangled up headphones.

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7. School

School starts tomorrow and I'm really not looking forward to it. It's night time and for some reason I'm feeling rather sad, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go to school, or drive on the road, or have to act fine around everyone, I don't want to talk to my friends and I don't want to be here. 

I just want to listen to sad music and sleep forever and I hate when I feel like this only because I still have to go back to my horrible life whether I like it or not. I'm too scared and gutless to end it all because in a way I want to live but only for the future. I just want to travel, go to London and see places I've never seen before and experience new things because right now I'm stuck in this small place with no option to change my life until I've finished school and am eighteen and I hate that so much. 

I watched 'Under the Tuscan Sun" again yesterday because I feel I need to live in that movie but then it finishes and I have to come back to reality and face my sad life which consists of the same routine and people. 

I just hate so many things right now and there is nothing I can do about it which makes it so much worse. As I type with my painted red nails I wonder what it would be like to be living a whole different life right now where I was happy and free. A life where I could do what I wanted and decided, one where I could truly be myself without anyone objectifying me. I'm not even really happy with my friends because I'm not so sure they like me. Half the time they treat me like they have power over me and I hate it. I even feel the same about half of my family. Mums side of the family hardly like me because I'm different to them, they just like someone who will joke around and be stupid but I can't do that because i'm scared. I'm scared of my own family and when they are all there, I get terrified because I feel like they are judging me and laughing at me. 

I feel like I really don't have anyone because anyone who is suppose to be there for me runs when someone better is around. People don't notice if there's something wrong and when they find out, they don't care. Not one bit, I mean in the moment they care but after the moment is gone, they completely forget and are done think about it because  they are happy letting me suffer. 

I'm so sick of everyone and this place. I really just want to escape and I hate that i'm trapped in this atmosphere with no way out. 

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