Dear Louis

A girl named Ashleigh, is living a carefree life with her best friend Taliah. Until one day, Ashleigh started getting bullied. Her other best friend, Louis Tomlinson, is on tour with his band, One Direction. The only person Ashleigh can turn to is Taliah, but what will Taliah do? What can Louis do to save her? Can Louis save Ashleigh?

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8. Dear Louis.

10/27/2013.

 

Dear Louis,

If you're reading this, then it means my attempt to leave this earth was a success. I was sure to put the date on the letter so you could find out how long my body has been sitting here. Im not really sure what I want to say, and im having a hard time putting it into words what im feeling. Whenever im with you my heart races, and I feel like a completely different person. I can never get over those beautiful blue eyes, no matter how hard I tried. I remember going to sleep at night, not being able to get those eyes off my mind. Blue was all I could think about as I tossed, and turned in the sheets. I loved the way they lit up whenever you laughed, or the way they darkened when something you care about was suddenly taken away from you. Either way I couldn't get them off my mind. I guess you could say it was love, but what is love? If love is caring about somebody so much your whole body aches whenever you see them with somebody else, then im in love. If love is the way you cant stop thinking about somebody until you're with them, then im in love with you. If love is when you picture yourself without anybody but them, then im in love with you. Im in love with you, Louis and this is the whole reason im writing this letter. I've tried hiding my feelings in sake of our friendship but im not sure if I can anymore. You have no idea how much it hurts me when you deny our feelings to anybody because it makes me feel like im not good enough when all I want is to be good enough for you. I've tried getting over this feeling, I've tried having other relationships but I just cant do it. No matter how hard I try, I just cant seem to get those blue eyes off my mind. Sometimes I feel like i've made this entire relationship up in my mind, but I like to believe that I haven't. Maybe I did mistake those accidental hand strokes as an attempt to hold my hand. Maybe I did mistake those accidental bumps as an attempt to get close to me. Maybe I did mistake those dates as an attempt to make me jealous. Maybe I did make up this entire relationship in my head, but I guess Ill never know because by the time you're reading this it'll be too late. I still remember the first time I ever met you. We were playing on the playground and you were hanging upside down on the monkey bars. I came over because I wanted a turn, I remember seeing those beautiful blue eyes for the first time. I wasn't quite sure what it was that stood out to me, but I couldn't seem to look away, between those eyes and soft features, I was hooked. I knew there was something about you that I liked, but I wasn't quite sure what it was exactly. All I knew was that I had this weird feeling for you, that I wasn't quite sure what to call it. Maybe it was a crush but I don't know. It was so long ago I don't even know what to call it anymore. All I know now is that im glad I went to that playground that day. Because if I hadn't I would have never grown this huge bond with you that I have now. Im not doing this to cause you, or anybody pain. Im doing this because im weak. I cant handle anymore hate, rumors, or heartbreak from you or anybody else anymore. I tried ignoring it because I couldn't imagine living a world without you, but there's a point where enough is enough and I guess I've reached that point.  Whenever somebody would call me a slut or a whore all I could do was smile. I didn't want you, or anybody else to see how badly it truly hurt me because that's what I am, and I cant change it. I will always be me, I will always be into you, no matter what you say or do because im proud I met you. Because those haters, they're not the ones who pushed me into self harm, or to even write this letter...you did. You have no idea how much it killed me inside to hear you say that we were nothing but friends. That you would never go for me because I was like your sister. You have no idea how much I beat myself over those words because I believed we had something more than just friendship. I'm not trying to write this letter to make you feel bad, or to even get your sympathy. You don't like me in that way. I get it. It's not your fault. If anything, its my own fault. I let myself believe in something that would never happen. If you're reading this it means you've found my journal, or "diary" as some might call it. Nobody knows about how I write my deepest, darkest thoughts in it each night. Nobody knows how I confess my undying love for you on paper. Nobody knows about how I pour my heart out for you through writing every night. Nobody knows about how each, and every entry is about you. Nobody knows, or has ever known about it until now. Since you're reading this you now know about how in love I've been with you for the past 12 years. It also means that you've read every single journal entry I've ever written, and you know now all the pain and heartbreak I've grown through over the years, I apologize for any tear stained papers you might find, and I'd also like to apologize for my rubbish handwriting. Im a bit shaky from the tears. I don't want to leave you Louis. I really don't. Im going to miss every little bit of you as I enter the next life. I'm going to miss the way you can light up a room just by a simple smile. I'm going to miss the way your hair naturally falls to the side. I'm going to miss the way the vein in your neck sticks out when you hit those high notes. I'm going to miss the way your so protective over Lux. I'm going to miss every fucking thing about you. Why? Because I'm extremely, and madly in love with you. If I go through with this, I want you to promise me one thing, never stop singing and never stop being you. No matter what, love yourself for who you are, and be strong. Unlike me. You're a wonderful person Louis, and it would be horrible to let that much talent, and love go to waste. Be a stronger person that me Louis, and continue living your life. No matter what people say, or think, keep reaching for your dreams until you succeed because nothing would be happier that to see you smile when im gone. God, there's so much I want to say but so little time due to the fact that the pills are kicking in and im beginning to feel the numbness grown in my body. I want to assure you that I wasn't in any pain during this process unless you count the emotional pain I've been feeling for quite some time now. Another thing I want to say before I finish this letter is to tell the boys and Taliah that I love them. They've been so supportive, and loving over the years and I couldn't thank them enough. If it wasn't for them, you would have probably read this letter ages ago. I don't have time to write individual letters to each one of you, so will you please pass the message to them? I want you to tell Niall to keep his head high, and to always smile. No matter how hard he is on himself, he's wonderful. I also want you to tell Liam that he is a role model to me. He was bullied all through school as a child, lived with a bad kidney for years, and was rejected 22 times, he still went for his dream and didn't give up until he got it. Tell Harry that he is amazing and so supportive and I will always remember his little giggle. I want you to tell Zayn to take care of Perrie. She is a wonderful girl, and I've never seen him more happy than when she's around. She's always been there to support him, and if she wasn't there to help him through all the rumors he'd probably be the one writing this letter. Lastly, tell Taliah that she is my best friend in the whole wide world and ill miss her so much, I want you to thank her for me for everything she has done, she is so strong and stable, im actually jealous. Im not quite sure what I want to write next, but I want you to promise me something. I want you to promise not to self damage yourself over this. I made this decision because im weak, and I couldn't handle it if somebody thought I was different so please... Don't blame yourself. It wasn't anybody's fault except my own. I also want you to promise me to look after my mother, father and sister. I know its just going to kill them once they find out the news. I also want you to tell them that im sorry. That I love them very much, and that their little sister/daughter will always be there to protect them. Be sure to assure them that this isn't their fault, and I made this decision on my own. I know they're going to be a wreck after this, and it couldn't break my heart more knowing that the people who brought me into this world would have to watch me leave it as my coffin slowly sunk into the ground. You can probably see my handwriting began to get worse as the letter continues because the numbing is beginning to worsen, so Ill just say what I've been trying to say to you for that past 12 years of our friendship. I love you Louis Tomlinson, always have, always will. I love you so much that I've taken my own life from it because im weak. If you get through this, you'll be stronger than ever because nothing hurts more than losing ... A friend. A girlfriend. A loved one. Whichever category I fit under, it hurts either way. It hurts so much that you would do anything just to hold them once again. Please, don't do anything permanent to yourself because of this. It would only hurt me more knowing I caused you to do something like this. If you ever feel lonely, scared, or even heartbroken just remember I'll always be there, watching over you. I'll always be there, Louis. Even when you don't realize it. I love you Louis. Don't ever forget it, and please.. Don't forget me. I guess all I can say now is.. Goodbye.

Love,

Ashleigh x

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