The Mommy Porn Effect

Ella, a seemingly normal woman has a very secret life. She could be the girl next to you in lecture or behind you at the store. Only, Ella has been reading, and there is nothing more powerful than words to awaken you.

Through her on/off relationship with Tyler Dobson, and her persistent curiosity, Ella comes to the conclusion; 'It's all about sex.'

Based on a true story.

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2. Chapter 2

Weighing in at 138lbs, standing 5’8”/9”, I drew no resemblance to a garden rake, but equally none to a hippo. I considered myself a respectable height, and looking fairly average. These were my college years however and my long, bright pink hair was enough to catch anyone’s eye, and if that weren’t enough, my corsets and tutu’s should have done the trick. Studying Drama in my second year, I found the best way to hide my shyness was to dress it up in total eye-catching confidence and a loud, bouncing persona to accompany it. Surprisingly this tactic worked well. I was lucky at college in that I found great friends that not only accepted my quirks and statements, but mostly shared them too. In fact, I had been quite lucky relationship wise full stop.

            I had loving boyfriends in my time, but only Tyler truly enticed me. He was everything I could ever need, or so I thought. Starting off like any other relationship, we dated, romanced, and grew a mutual like for one another. Yet, by college we had gone from our loving selves, to hungry for sex, horny teenagers that thought of nothing else. Communication failed, alongside romance and all that was left was sex. But that’s what it’s all about, right? Sex. The hope that you find that person who you are attracted to, and is attracted to you in return, for a night or more of heated passion, hoping that it is enough to last, and if not, that the next one you find is hotter and more apt than the last. Tyler and I were more than that, or so it seemed at the time. Neither of us able to see the damage we were starting.

            We first got together back in November 2008, at the young age of 14. Perhaps we were too young and innocent for an adult relationship, but like any other girl at the age of 14 in a relationship that had withstood at least a month – I was in love. I wanted to give Tyler everything. This was perhaps not my wisest idea as by the age of 15, I fell pregnant. Realizing that medical contraceptive proved useless for me and that I had a hormonal imbalance, causing extreme fertility. When Tyler found himself another girlfriend at this time, failing to inform me of her, needless to say, friends and family thought me idiotic to still be mourning over him and begging for him to return. Perhaps I was stupid, but there’s that little incessant, annoying emotion again; love.

            That was the first time Tyler truly hurt me. Believe it or not, Tyler was very loving. The type of guy who puts their arm, and jacket, around you when you’re cold, that takes you out on magical dates, instead of boring cinema trips and walks through shops. No, we went ice-skating, to fairs, and still managed to have just as great a time staying in bed all day to watch films and snuggle up under the duvets. He would hold my hand when I seemed timid and withdrawn, and listen to all my stories without distraction. He could be adorable when he wanted to. For example – Making a collage of our photos together to use as his computer screen saver in the time it had taken me to go to the toilet. He would dress me up in his boxers and t-shirt after sex and we would happily lie in our own dirt for the chance to cuddle each other under the covers for a little while longer.

            He was perfect, in all ways minus one. Most men are perplexing, but Tyler… He bewildered me. One moment, we were happy the next, he wasn’t sure if relationships were ‘for him’. I remember him telling me after our first break up that he did love me, but if we were to date again, it would be a while off – college maybe?

We got back together in college, of course after still having had sex all summer, every summer, sometimes 7 days a week. We had become much more experimental, after all, we had become much more mature. Having sex in the college medical office, or the drama changing rooms, even a small alcove in the forest that surrounded the establishment, but this is nothing new for our generation. Sex in public now seems to be a part of everyday life, as common as having orange juice alongside breakfast, with dogging places listed online and toilet cubicles with glory holes mapped out. We were simply doing as others did, and this had become our norm. The idiocy of a 15-year-old girl who thought sex was the way to a man’s heart lead to constant… well, sex, of course.

            Sex had always mystified me. Our innate human desires, in a modern world amplified and twisted until sex were no longer about procreation nor love, but satisfaction. Studying English Literature and Language A level at college, I had always been a keen writer and thrived off novels as an escape from the real world. I enjoyed romantic, fairytale stories, until one day, I came across a book in a local charity shop; ‘Girl With A One Track Mind.’ The cover depicting a scantily clad cartoon woman drew my attention. The blurb correlated so closely with my own life; an average girl, with an average life, average friends, and average in love, with a need for sex. At just the mere age of 17, hormones at an all time high, I decided to purchase the book and see what happened to this woman, how sex had panned out for her.

            The female protagonist featured in the risqué book drew many correlations to my own life. Average girl, average looking, and an average life. All apart from the one, somewhat obvious aspect; sex life. Sex in public? This woman was being fingered underneath a table in a respected, and busy coffee shop. Perhaps she had been less cautious with her sex life. Despite my experimental curiosity, I nevertheless remained wary, but I envied her confidence and desired the same assurance of my own.  

            The book also gave me my first insight to the world of BDSM; a term with many definitions. Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism, or Domination/Submission, or Dungeon Master, or many other definitions that go alongside, but the one thing they shared, was the agreement that it involved what the norm what define as taboo. However, the assumptions of BDSM says that people who participate in such activities are people who enjoy administering or receiving pain from their loved ones, my opinion formed as quite the opposite – being able to trust your partner to the lengths of which you can be flogged and whipped by them only proved great understanding and dare I say it – Love, making BDSM one of the most passionate and loving forms of sex. I sought after this type of play with my man.

            Being with Tyler, a man of many emotions and the confusing tendencies to be his own contradiction, I never did understand at the time, what he deemed appropriate or enjoyable. So entertaining the idea with him was unsettling at best, especially as I feared we were drawing our end. My desires would have to wait for a while, until I was in a stable position to attempt these ideas.

            As my fears, along with my relationship came to pass, I took the normal time to mourn over the loss. Stereotypically eating cookies and ice cream watching the infamous rom-coms as you wail into your mascara stained pillow. Until one day the idea hit me of writing a blog to, not necessarily explain my misconduct, but to apologize for it properly and truly explain in clear terms how much Tyler meant to me. Words said out loud can be deceiving but when written in black and white they are infallible, there was nothing as clear as my feelings at that time.

            I spent hours a night writing to Tyler, on our own private blog, our memories and new promises to make the memories to continue. Meaningless nothings that were more meaningful than a plethora of seemingly meaningful promises that would only be left forgotten and unkept.

 

‘I promise to bake you a cake when you’re unhappy.’

‘I promise to always be proud of you.’

‘I promise…’

 

            For months my efforts showed no hope of any results. I doubted whether or not he even bothered reading them, or if I had gone too far. Finally, was it truly over? I continuously wrote unaltered by my lack of hope. Did he even care? My mind constantly wondered. Had I really destroyed the last 3 – 4 years of our relationship with one single incident? The usual ‘was it me?’ thoughts rushed through my every waking thought – which was fairly often due to the lack of sleep it caused. Only I knew it was me this time. Tyler had fucked up before, but this time it was me. It wasn’t necessarily the thought of what I had done to Tyler that played on my mind day and night, although I’d like to say it was, his forgiveness meant everything to me, but I knew in the back of my mind that even once I had attained it, I had a more difficult monster to appease; myself. Without the ability to forgive myself and move on, Tyler’s forgiveness would prove unavailing.

            I was not the sort of girl who could go with the next suitor who walked past, nor the type of girl that could easily drown her guilt. My mistake haunted me, and still did after Tyler approached me one day in the smoking area of my college. Surrounded by the greenery of the forest and the bellowing smoke from our fellow students the atmosphere fell quiet. My heart dropped as he drew closer. The anticipation hung in the air, he was going to speak.

 

‘Let’s talk then.’ Tyler looked at me discerning. I looked up at him in response with an expression that could only be described as limp.

 

            Months on, here we were again. After tiring episodes of sexual experience, I finally found myself at a point where, I could not forgive myself, but I also saw Tyler’s flaws in all their disappointing glory, shining me in the eyes, disabling me to see through to the beauty that was once there. Although I had caused so much pain, this was not a distraction, nor an excuse for Tyler’s mistakes that he had once made too. I finally understood my friends concerns and I had other concerns to be worrying about. Which I guess means it was only fitting that Tyler had now forgiven me, and wanted me back. The ever changing, ever confusing relationship of Tyler and I deepened.

            Believing situations between Tyler and I were better off left I declined each advance he made. I loved Tyler, but how could things ever be the way they once were? I spent restless hours pining and begging in vain for a man who would have none, and now? He wanted me back, but I had finally realized the secret to our failure. Neither of us was pure, and the communication had disintegrated, all that was left were the memories and unadulterated passion, but that could never be enough.

            The sex was satisfying, more so, passionate and pleasurable. The normal day with Tyler resulted in visiting his empty house, being thrown down on the bed in a heated fashion, our clothes flying, leaving our bodies exposed and wanting. Positioning himself a top of me, my legs would race upwards towards his shoulders as he would thrust himself with my hands clinging onto either his hips or the top of his back clawing at him in sweet agonizing pleasure, until we both exploded into a ball of sweaty satisfied sweetness. Cuddling each other on the bed, we would wait to regain our energy to continue. The view of Tyler’s slim, muscular frame and his sincere expression was always enough to tip me over the edge. I would lose all sense of insecurity laid underneath him panting as I saw the desire and hunger in his burning eyes.

            No matter how satisfying Tyler may have been, I still longed for other desires to be met. He was passionate, yet I was looking for something more rough and raw, like the girl in my book. I wanted to try my hand at BDSM, but without the safe confines of a consenting, loving relationship, I was not ready. Tyler and I had a long way to go before I could possibly accept his proposal of trying once more.

            It must have been apparent to Tyler how I had been feeling since not long after my second refusal, Tyler invited me out.  For the first time in a long time, we weren’t to sit in. Tyler escorted me to our nearest town – Southampton. At the nearest Odeon we sat and watched the latest comedy film. Slowly Tyler began caressing my skin like he once had with his apt fingers, caressing me into a state of nirvana. The cinema fell silent and the film started, yet all I could concentrate was the sweet embrace of him, I wanted nothing more than for him to tell me he truly loved me and couldn’t live without me, everything would be okay and we were destined for each other, but Tyler and I were not the characters in the film we were watching, nor the happy couple at the end of my book, we needed work. Nevertheless, the cinema visit made a start.

            It was the beginning of the summer and I had just received the confirmation of my place at the University of Brighton. I decided to undergo a make over to rid me of my bright pink hair and outrageous clothing for something more professional. After 4 hours of sitting on an uncomfortable battered old chair from my kitchen, my pink had ceased to exist, I now fashioned a natural blonde mid length do, my natural hair had returned. I was fortunate growing up to have a father who worked within the hair and beauty industry. He worked for 18 years as a colour technician and often did competition work, so eradicating the pink for a natural blonde was an easy task for him. I resolved to take up an almost mainstream fashion line, acquiring pastel colours, and floral prints, which accompanied my bright blue eyes during the summer. I was ready and moving on, a completely new woman.

I received another text from Tyler, this time he wished to take me out for a meal. Wow, Tyler was going all out, the romantic gestures within our relationship were simply hard to come by and hard earned, but for him to be making such an effort – the boy who liked to be alone, I felt flattered. He took me to the restaurant in which we had spent our last anniversary together – Bella Italia. Walking down the open, busy town high street we arrived at the restaurant, he drew my attention to the flowers hanging from the door in an old, vintage basket.

            ‘They’re beautiful, aren’t they?’ I stared up at him awaiting a response. He rested his hand on the small of my back using the other to open the door before me.

            ‘I hoped this would remind you of before.’ He seemed concerned, as if he were waiting for my almost inevitable rejection, but this time it was different, he didn’t know it yet but my once sure decisions were wavering. This is what I had needed, an expression of love, actual love, not sexual, and with University around the corner for each of us the thought of losing him through distance petrified me. Tyler was to attend Swansea University in Wales.

            Ordering my usual carbonara, I watched him pour over the menu. He finally decided on the spicy prawn pasta, the same meal he had chose on our anniversary. Tyler was not keen on Italian food due to his aversion to cheese. Italian was my favorite, he took me for many a special occasion and I was more than grateful. We had a wonderful time at the restaurant. The candlelit table in a secluded area of the vintage, Italian restaurant rested the blooming rose in the center as we sat quietly, both of us unable to talk. I felt nervous and out of place in my casual wear due to being caught off guard. Tyler sat in his pressed suit like a defendant so cautiously awaiting his fate.

            Once our meals had came the atmosphere had lightened. We made small talk over our pasta and occasionally took pauses to sip from our drinks. Tyler had his usual coke with ice, no lemon. He was driving. He had ordered me a strawberry flavoured wine. It was delicious. I found it odd to have a dessert wine alongside dinner, but trusted Tyler’s knowledge of wine. He was right, it complemented the dinner perfectly, yet strangely. Tart, and strong, by the time I had finished what seemed like a pint of wine I was starting to slur my words. Tyler was sharp, he knew I needed to loosen up in order to truly consider what he was offering.

            We left the restaurant nearing 11 o’clock and proceeded to his classic car. He drove a Morris Minor, I couldn’t tell you the dating of it, but my friends and I joked that it possessed the power of a hair dryer. Despite my mocking, the car was wonderfully rustic and more than adequate for our short journeys. The drive back was quiet; both of us were tired and full. It must have taken me 5 minutes to realize that we had not taken our normal route home. Waking from my half slumber I looked up at Tyler. Reading my mind he informed me to trust him and rest. My normal reaction would have led me to incessant questioning, but I was in such a beautifully blissful state of peace that I left it.

            We arrived at the local pond. A few ducks spotted the water. The ripples were calming and somewhat hypnotic. Tyler shut down the engine and opened his door. Walking around the car to the passenger side, Tyler opened my door and held out his hand. I accepted it with mine and exited the car. Putting his arm once again at the small of my back, he tilted my head.

            ‘Isn’t the moon beautiful?’ He gestured towards the lake. I noticed its glisten. The moon shone a mesmerizing stream of light through the center of the stilling water. I nuzzled my head into his shoulder as I held me tighter, my eyes glued to the striking landscape.

            Tyler removed his arm momentarily to retrieve his phone from his pocket. I ignored the movement completely captivated by my surroundings. Moments later my favourite song, which was somewhat fitting; Pet Shop Boys version of Always On My Mind, pervaded the air breaking it’s silence.

            ‘May I have this dance?’ My gaze was averted, now staring in disbelief at the man before me. Tyler held out his hand in the stereotypical fashion but the moment seemed to perfect and surreal for me to close my open mouth. Using his hand to gently close my mouth and tilt my head, Tyler planted a soft, passionate kiss atop my lips. I met his kiss with equal fervor, each of us pouring the emotions of our past into one prolonged kiss. Before I could protest I was spinning around the lakeside within the strong hold of Tyler.

            Sleep blessed me that night; an emotional overload. My rejection of Tyler was beginning to seem futile so I began questioning my reasoning behind my decision and seemed unable to produce anything of any importance – minus the upcoming life change and distance between us.

            It took a few days to hear from Tyler again. My friend; Amelia, and I were setting out on a picnic for lunch, as the weather was beautiful and the sun was glistening through the trees. Waiting for her to arrive, I heard a knock at the door. Once again unprepared, I answered the door to be standing before Tyler. At any other time I would be excited to see him, but Amelia was a tough girl to impress who adopted bad moods with experience and magnitude. If she were to see him here, there would be trouble.

            ‘Hi Tyler, what are you doing here?’ I glanced up at him noticing his suit. Now staring at him quizzically, Tyler seemed slightly panicked.

            ‘I just want you to come with me for a second.’ I did not have time for this; Amelia would arrive any minute.

            ‘Please?’ he continued.

            ‘Quickly. I have Amelia on her way round.’ I felt awful rushing Tyler as I hankered for his presence so often. Tyler led me to the door of his car and asked me to pull his seat forward. Obliging, I pulled the chair forward to reveal the floor that had once hidden beneath it and there laid a bottle of my favourite wine; White Zinfandel, my favourite biscuits and an exquisite bundle of red roses.

            ‘I know that chocolate would have had a more romantic feel, but you don’t like chocolate, so I opted for second best…’ Tyler knew me too well. ‘I know you’ve said “No”, but I promise this is the last time I will ask, if you truly want to call i….’

            ‘Shh.’ I cut Tyler off before he could finish his sentence holding my finger to his lips.

            ‘Just one last try?’ Tyler pleaded with the expression on my face. Screw Amelia, this was my life and she could get as cantankerous as she so wished, this was my life and I was not going to turn down the man I loved, who I barely deserved to be treating me in such a way, the man I wanted to be with for the sake of a more pleasant picnic. I jumped into Tyler’s arms.

            ‘Yes! Of course, yes.’ Calming myself and Tyler, we stepped inside.

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