Hurt

Jennifer isn't the type of girl with natural beauty you read about in fairy tales and see in movies. She's very self conscious when she's away from home because of the things she's been through, the things that no one knows about. Who knew that one day, she would end up telling someone these deep, dark secrets? And who knew, that all this would happen because she crossed paths with the famous boy band, One Direction?

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1. Miracle

 

"Singing radiohead at the top of our lungs, with the boombox-"

 

With my eyes closed, I felt around my pillow for my phone and turned off my alarm. Jeeeeez, I hate Tuesdays. I did like waking up to Never Growing Up by Avril Lavigne though, it usually puts me in a pretty good mood. Mondays were alright because my school doesn't start till 10, but starting Tuesday, the rest of the week I have to get up at 7:30 to go to school. 

Pull yourself together, Jennifer. 7:30 isn't even that early compared to when you friends get up.

Man. I really need to sleep earlier. Most days I don't sleep until 2-4 am, and it's super bad for my body. I think that's what's contributing to my weight gain, lack of sleep? Yeah, probably. 

I hop out of bed and put on the clothes I laid out the night before, since I knew I wouldn't have enough time to think about what to wear in the morning. 

(Jennifer's outfit: http://www.polyvore.com/sunny_breezy/set?id=97942932)

As I went to brush my teeth, I felt my body shiver. That's San Francisco weather for you, cold when you wake up but you never know what the weather will be like in the afternoon. I swear, this weather is bipolar. I've lived here my whole life, and I'm actually really proud of my city. A lot of people would love to live here, it is beautiful in some places. 

It looked like it was gonna be sunny today though. It was fall. I love fall - but in San Francisco summer is freezing all the time with clouds, spring is rainy but scorching at times, fall is super hot and sunny or freezing at like 50 degrees, and my favorite, winter, is cold, wet, but occasionally warm. Gotta love it. Honestly I don't even know why I love rain so much, the bigger the storm the better. I do wish it snowed here though, I don't think it's ever snowed in San Francisco,  the closest that ever came to that was hail, which is painful if you're out but still pretty awesome.

 

I did my makeup, then put on my shoes and got into the car with my mom. I'm so glad I live close to my school, Orwell High is only like a 10 minute drive from my house. While Mom drove me to school, she talked about how I'd have to start getting everything together and studying for SATs and stuff. Sigh. Asian parents, I swear. I got out of the car and she said good luck, and I walked to my first class: Expository Writing.

While I was walking I said hi to some people, I actually knew quite a lot of people and they knew me, so I guess I was considered popular, that's what people say anyway. But being popular doesn't mean you're happy. I know lots of people, but I don't have a lot of friends. Thank goodness this semester I chose not to have a lunch period, because if I had one I wouldn't know who to sit with. I don't have a stable group of friends and it makes me kind of sad, actually. I feel lonely a lot, even though I have a couple of friends who are closer to me than others. I guess I should be thankful for that, but they're all closer to each other than with me.

My best friend goes to a different high school, and she's pretty much replaced me three years ago, and even though she says I can't be replaced, it's pretty obvious I'm not her first choice anymore. In fact, I'm not anybody's first choice.

Shut up Jennifer, stop thinking such depressing thoughts so early in the morning, it's only Tuesday too. You still have a whole week to get through.

 

During my 6th period I have choir. It's the only class I have with my group of senior guy friends. They're all really attractive and I used to have a crush on two of them, Leon and Jeremy, but now both of them have girlfriends so I've been officially friendzoned. Choir with them is really fun, but sometimes when Leon and I talk all I can think about is how perfect he is and how sad I got when I found out he asked this girl out, right when I thought I had a chance. Oh well. At least I still get to talk to him. He always manages to brighten up my day.

 

Well, it's now 3:45 in the afternoon and I'm absolutely starving. I got out of school at 3:30 like usual, but now I'm waiting for the bus. Since I don't have a lunch period, I don't get time to eat food, not like I bring food anyway. I don't get up early enough to make myself lunch, and nobody has time to make it for me. It's inconvenient to bring a thermos to school, and I can't exactly make a sandwich the night before because then the bread gets all soggy. So like usual throughout the entire day at school I had two granola bars, one at 10:30 am and one at 12:30, those honestly keep me alive. It also really sucks since I can't buy school lunch, being vegetarian and all. It's so annoying when I get bashed on for being vegetarian, like no I'm not doing it to lose weight, and I'm not religious. I was just born a vegetarian and if I eat meat I'll fucking throw up and get canker sores all over my mouth. That doesn't sound too pleasant, does it?

Sigh. I hate explaining to people too, because then I'm seen as a "weirdo". 

While I drowned in my own annoyance, another bus passed me by at the bus stop without stopping. They do that all the time. When the driver sees there's a bunch of kids waiting for the bus, they don't even bother to stop and we end up waiting for hours. It sucks ass.

I saw these two girls a couple feet away from me out of the corner of my eye. One was dirty blonde and the other was brunette. They were scanning me from head to toe and whispering to each other "why is she wearing tights underneath her skirt? It's soooo hot today dude that's so weird"

I really got annoyed at this point. Okay first of all I don't like to show my legs because I'm insecure about them. Is it seriously a crime to dress how I want to dress? And second of all it was cold this morning. Jesus just leave me alone.

 

I finally got home after waiting 45 minutes for the bus, so I went to go grab a pack of ramen to make for myself. Then I remembered my dance teacher telling me I need to lose weight, so I put it back and grabbed two apples and the peanut butter. 

 

I took my sliced apples and peanut butter and went over to my desk in my room, and began to eat. I turned on my black laptop and checked my Facebook, Tumblr, email, and YouTube. I think I've been making YouTube videos for 3 years now. It's been on and off, but I've been uploading more frequently lately. I have a beauty channel where I just make hauls and outfit videos, but that one doesn't get much attention, although it did start out with more subscribers in the very beginning.

I've found that people take interest in my music channel, where I make covers of songs and apparently people like it. I post videos on my Tumblr because I hope a couple of people out of the 700 followers I have will notice me and support me, but I actually don't get as much support as you'd think, but I definitely have gotten a lot further with it than I'd thought I would. 

I've had my Tumblr for about 5 years now. It's really helped get me through bad times, and it makes me a better person. I actually get educated there a lot, and I know a lot about depression and how it feels, self harm, suicide, things like that - because on Tumblr, everyone is messed up somehow, the people I follow, at least. They either have a terrible sense of humor, or have also been through rough times, just like me. That's why when people say to me,"No, you wouldn't understand how it feels, I get really sad sometimes," or "You're so skinny! Girl, you look anorexic," or "Just lighten up, stop being so gloomy and dull," it makes me want to yell at them. Seriously, this isn't stuff to joke about, and trust me, I know first hand what real sadness it. Lighten up? Oh yeah, that really made the sadness go away, thanks.

 

I played some music from my Feel Good playlist to put myself in a better mood, since I was surrounded all day by fake people at school. I didn't really get to see my friends today, since most of them were busy. 

I checked my email, and I saw that I had 3 unread emails. The first one was from Christian Mingle, so I put it into the spam folder. The second one was from Vogue, something about the Autumn trends. I deleted it, since I don't really read Vogue's emails much.

The third email was from a sender I've never seen before.

Title: Genuine Fashion & Co. Subject: Hi Jennifer, we'd like to make you an offer.

 

As I read the email, I couldn't believe my eyes. I'd heard of this brand somewhere before, but I never saw it around since it was an English brand. In the email, they said they discovered my YouTube channel and thought I had a unique smile and liked my sense of fashion as well as my music, so they wanted to fly me over there in December to do a photoshoot and commercial! 

At first I thought it was a scam, but they provided me with a phone number to call and I looked them up online, they had a website and it was legit! I posted a question on Tumblr to my English followers and asked if anyone bought clothes from Genuine Fashion& Co. and apparently some of them did! 

 

Holy shit. I needed to tell Mom. And everyone. All my friends. But I didn't want to announce it or anything, because then I'd kind of be flaunting it, and who knows if my mom will let me? I don't even know if this is real yet because I'm still having trouble digesting it. I'm just an average girl, and they took interest in me? Wow. This is amazing. Imagine going to England for a week and a half, or however long I can stay there. That would be so cool. 

 

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