My Rock

Louis Tomlinson is a senior in college. He’s popular, outgoing, and always willing to help anyone in need. Harry Styles is an introverted sophomore who receives constant harassment and bullying because of who he is. He doesn’t fit in, he’s shy, has no friends, and no real family to confide in; the fact that he’s gay doesn’t help matters. He’s just a blip on everyone’s radar, floating by, but a punching bag to those who loved reminding him how much of a loser he really was. When Harry was hospitalized months before for a suicide attempt, Louis was assigned to him through the Big Brother program. Will Louis be able to help Harry? Will Harry be able to let Louis in?

A/N: This is my fist fic. I give it a trigger warning because it deals with self harm and suicide attempts and thoughts… there is no actual death

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7. Monsters

 A/N: this chapter has a very strong trigger warning. Viewer discretion is advised.

Harry trudged upstairs to his bedroom, stopping by the dining room to let his mum that he was home. He opened his door and fell straight on his bed, turning his IPod on and putting the ear buds in his ear. He closed his eyes and let his thoughts flood in.

                It’s my fault. He didn’t think I saw it. But I did. I saw the tear, I heard him try to choke back his cry. All I do is hurt people. All I do is cause pain for people and me. If I didn’t go to the stupid meeting none of this would have happened. Why did I go? Why did I have to hurt him too?

Harry couldn’t let the thoughts go. He dwelled on them. He let them eat at him. He needed to escape them. He turned the music up louder in hopes that it would help drown out his thoughts. But it didn’t. He thought for a moment. He knew what he had to do. He had to turn to his only other escape.

                He walked to his closet and pulled out a shoe box. There it was the bright shiny piece of metal. He picked it and sat on his bed, turning it over and over again in the palms of his hands. His stomach instantly sank. The feeling was there. The monsters were there. The monsters in his head that constantly told him that he was worthless, that he was nothing. That no one would ever accept him for who he was. He gave into his thoughts.

                He rolled up his sleeve and took his numerous bracelets off, picking up the blade and slowly and firmly pressing it to his wrist. Harry winced in pain. He drug it across slowly watching as the red beads slowly rise to the surface. He moved it a little further up his arms and repeated. Before he knew it he had ten bright red slices on his wrist and forearm. The blood beaded on each slice and he watched it as it dripped over his arm and onto the towel that he had sat in his lap. His thoughts were gone. They were now marked all over his arm.

                Harry was still mesmerized by the sight and had the whole world tuned out with his music screaming in his ears. He didn’t even realize that his mum had walked into his room.

                “What are you doing?!” Anne screams as she yanks the headphones out of his ears.

                Harry really didn’t know what to say. He just looked at her with a blank emotionless expression.

                “I thought you were over this! This is why we put you in that hospital!” Anne couldn’t help but yell as she grabbed Harry by the arm yanking him off his bed and into the bathroom to wash off his arm. “I don’t know why you insist on trying to do this to yourself. How stupid can you be?”

                The words turned in Harry’s head. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

                “Not only do I have to worry about the fact that my son is gay, now I have to worry about him trying to kill himself every five minutes” she mumbled as she wrapped his arm and wrist up with gauze. “Now dinner is ready.”

                “I umm am not hungry.” Harry muttered out.

                “Are you trying to starve yourself to death now too?” she barked back.

                “No, I, umm already ate.”

                “Fine whatever, starve” she yelled as she stormed out of the bathroom and down the stairs.

                Harry really wanted to tell his mum that he went to dinner with Louis, but he knew it wouldn’t go over well. She would accuse him of dating Louis, and that was the last thing he wanted her to think. Of course Harry thought that Louis was beautiful and was kind, but he remembers the conversation with his mum all too well. She had told him that if he ever brought a boy home or ever thought about dating anyone who wasn’t a girl then he could pack his stuff up and live elsewhere. That thought scared him. He didn’t have anywhere to go. His whole family pretty much consisted of his mum and Gemma, and Gemma was away at Uni. He hoped that one day Gemma would get a place of her own and let Harry stay with her, because that would be the only way he could ever date whom he pleased.

                Harry left the bathroom several minutes after Anne did. As he was walking back to his bedroom he could hear yelling. Harry wasn’t normally the nosey type, but he heard a named that sparked his interest, Miss. Teasdale. He crept over to the top of the steps and sat down listening.

                “Yes, I found him in his room with blood dripping all over his arms” he heard Anne say. There was a brief pause before he heard her speak again. “I thought you were gonna fix this. I thought you were gonna fix him. I mean I pay all this money for him to go to a nice college to get a proper education, and have a counselor there if need be, yet I find him like that.” There was another brief pause. “Well, I am sorry if I offended you Miss. Teasdale, but obviously you aren’t doing your job well enough.” He hears his mum slam her hand down on what he can only presume is the counter. “Yes, I understand it has only been one day, but he still shouldn’t be doing this. This is what I pay for.” “Fine, you have until the end of the month to make him stop or I will put him back in that hospital” Anne barks out before hanging up on her.

                Harry was shocked. Would his mum really put him back in that hell hole, the place where he couldn’t even go to the toilet without being followed by some medical professional and where he had all of his belongs stripped from him, with no outside connection to the world. She couldn’t do this to him. It was unfair. In his mind, she was basically giving him no choice. She was taking away his only outlet. He wasn’t going to let that happen. He wasn’t going to go back there.

                Harry got up and ran back to his room throwing himself onto his bed. He screamed and cried. The words she said to him played over and over in his head again.

                Maybe I am stupid. Maybe if I wasn’t gay. Just maybe if I could be happy, even if I faked it she wouldn’t do it. God, why did I have to be this way, why?

His thoughts continued to marinate in his brain as he let the tears fall to his pillow before he drifted off to sleep.

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