How to Piss off the Akatsuki

Hime is an Akatsuki member, not really, mostly a servent, she comes up with an awesome idea, to piss off all the Akatsuki members, there will be a lot of drama and funny moments, and everyone is falling victim to Hime's evil plans...

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3. How to Piss off Zetsu

The sun was shining, the birds were singing and an angry Kakuzu came charging my way, Deidara hiding behind me. “It wasn’t my fault, I had to pay for all the puppets I destroy with Deidara’s clay, it was only a couple of dollars hehe,” I tried to reason out, but that only seemed to fire Kakuzu’s rage more. Me and Deidara gulped and sprinted for our lives down the hallway and into the next room, which so happens to be the living room.

“Run Deidara, run like your life depends on it,” I shouted to him.

“No shit, what do you think I’m doing right now yeah,” he called back, “This is your entire fault for blowing up those stupid puppets.” Yep after the little incident with the whole exploding puppets, Deidara copped it big time, not only did he receive a lot of broken bone and bruises, but also got all his detonating clay taken away from him from leader. It was quite funny, until it all ended, which I got in a lot of trouble, thankfully Sasori doesn’t know this yet…and it will stay like that forever.

“Well, you got to admit, it was funny,” I said, jumping over the couched and running into another set of hallways, Deidara right on my tail.

“Well…I guess you’re right, it was pretty funny,” he chuckled at the memory. He looked up at me and gave me a charming grin, and then…he ran into the wall. I stopped and gasped at this, but when I heard Kakuzu voice getting closer I knew I had to get out of here. I looked at Deidara with and look of apology and ran off, hearing Deidara scream and curse at me for leaving him behind. Better be safe than sorry, right? I thought and skidded into my room and locked the door behind me. I let out a sigh of relief and slumped to the ground. Well now that I’m safe, I guess I can check who’s next on my list to piss off. I pulled out the piece of paper and stared down at it, Zetsu, interesting.

Operation number two piss of Zetsu:

1: Try to feed Zetsu insects

Okay, this ought to be interesting, I just hope I don’t get my arm eaten instead…Na I should be safe. I placed the piece of paper back where it originally was and walked outside. Now, where can I find some insects? I thought. I strolled around the hideout for like half an hour and found no sightings of any insects what-so-ever. I slumped down on a fallen trunk of a tree, laying my head upon my hands, this is hopeless, and just one bug I ask for.

Suddenly I felt something crawling on my leg, I stiffened and slowly directed my eyes to the source and screamed, “Spider!” I ran around frantically while the spider still latched on, I tried shaking it off, whacking it, but it was so determined to stay on my leg. And yep…it bit me. I yelped in pain, grabbing a kunai from my pouch and stabbed it, it did the trick…I should have thought of it before, I faced palmed and bent down to brush the now dead spider off my leg. Two little, identical holes marked their place on my slightly tanned skin. Now…I wonder what kind of spider it was. I thought. I looked over at the tree trunk that I sat on.

“No way,” I whispered to myself as I ran over to the fallen tree trunk and crouched to the ground to find millions of bugs inside a hole from the tree. Perfected, I grabbed a handful of bugs and stuffed them in a glass jar I was carrying, I giggled a little when some of the bugs crawled up my arm and in my cloak. I started laughing and trying to get them all off me. Once my little episode finished, I brought the bugs back in and started preparing. I got a fishing rod and stuck a bug on a hook.

I walked out of my room and ventured through the Akatsuki hideout, in search for the venues flytrap guy. I found him in his little garden area, not surprising. I walked up to him and dangled the bug over his head.

I heard him sigh and eyed the bug floating over his head, “What are you doing Hime?” he asked me. I stilled and sucked in a chuckle.

“Just trying to feed you,” I replied, smiling at him.

Well can you get it out of our face!” The black side of Zetsu said. “I agree, to tell you the truth, we don’t eat insects, we eat humans.” I unconsciously stepped back one, no scratch that, I stepped back twenty steps away from plant guy.

“But, you’re a Venues flytrap, you’re supposed to eat insects,” I stated. At least I think they do. I gulped loudly, but it didn’t go unnoticed.

“Scared?” he asked, chuckling lightly to himself. Now this plant guy is starting to piss me off which is not how it works. It seems this one went downhill, no matter, I’ll get him pissed don’t you worry about that. I rolled up my sleeves and swung the bug at Zetsu, trying desperately to get it in his mouth. “Stop it you human, didn’t we fricken tell you that we don’t eat disgusting insect?” the black half yelled out, trying to snatch the bug from the hook. “If you don’t stop, we’ll rip that bug from its holder and force it down your throat. Or we could leave the hook on and shove it down your throat with the insect.

“Oh yeah!” I swung the bug again at Zetsu, and this time, it made it into his mouth…success. Zetsu coughed and clutched his throat as the bug lodged itself in his throat. He looked up and seethed with anger. I gulped and sprinted away hearing a frustrated yell and my name being called out…well, that did the trick. I ran as fast as my feet could carry me down the hallway, my breath becoming ragged and heavy. I turned the corner and ran into…guess who, Tobi.

“Tobi!” I yelped in surprise, I back away and looked at him.

“Oh boy, Tobi is so happy to see you, now you can play hide and seek with Tobi. Deidara and Sasori won’t play, and the others have disappeared, but now that you’re here, you can play with me!” he yelled in excitement and gave me a bear hug. I gasped for air and struggled out of his iron grip, he eventually released me and happily bounced around, I sweat-dropped.

“Sorry Tobi, my room calls for me, why don’t you ask Zetsu, I’m positive he would play with you. He’s coming this way by the way, have fun,” I said and piss bolt outta there. Tobi looked at me go with a sad puppy eye, shoulders slumped slightly, but shot right back up when he sensed Zetsu’s chakra coming his way…poor Tobi, never knew what hit him.

Zetsu peered around the corner and was clomp by Tobi squeezing him to death. “Zetsu, Zetsu why don’t you come and play with Tobi, we can play hide and seek together,” Tobi said.

No!” was all Zetsu could manage out before he slammed Tobi against the wall, he looked at him with angry eyes, something he had never done in a long time.

I dived into my room and slammed the door behind me. Too close, way too close for comfort, I thought. As if on cue I heard a piercing scream rip through the air, well, at least in wasn’t me, I thought, I cringed at another piercing shriek echo throughout the hideout…wow, Tobi must be getting it hard, I kinda feel sorry for him, but anyway, I reach down and pulled the note out.

2: think Zetsu is a weed and spray him with weed killer while yelling “Die you bloody weed!”

I blankly stared at the piece of paper in my hand, another minute came and I was on the floor rolling around and laughing my head off. I’m so going to love doing this one. I stuffed the paper back and went to bed, might as well get some sleep, too tired to do anything right now.

XXX

Morning came fast, I was in the kitchen making breakfast, sitting at the dining table was Sasori doing something weird thing with his arm, Itachi reading a book…I really don’t know how he can even see the words with those eyes of his, they started to falter and lose sight every day, it’s surprising he can even see at all, and Konan making paper cranes.

Once I finished my food, I grabbed the weed killer from a cupboard that had gardening supplies, don’t tell me why they even have it, guess it’s for when they get bored I suppose, and left the room. Now, on for the fun part, hunting down Zetsu and spraying him with weed killer…but, would the weed killer kill him? Na, he’s too much of a man-eating Venus flytrap than a weed.

I walked through the hallways and stopped abruptly and looked down to my feet to see Tobi sprawled on the ground, twitching slightly, I giggled inwardly and walked past him and into the garden. I looked around, and found no sign of him anywhere, weird, he is usually here. I walked further into the room and stopped almost instantly when I heard a soft noise. I slowly turned to my left and saw Zetsu sleeping soundly on a wooden bench. Wow, he looked so odd when he sleeps, plus…he’s snoring. I slowly inch my way to his side, this moment couldn’t get any better, and this will make him more pissed when he’s asleep.

I held up my spray bottle full of weed killer liquid and directed it in front of his face, then…squirt, the liquid ran down on his face and into his mouth, I yelled out as loud as my lungs could allow me, “die you bloody weed!” and squirted him again.

He shot up from his sleep and frantically looked around him, he could taste some kind of awful liquid in his mouth and feel his face all wet and still getting wet, he shield his eyes from the attacker and peek through his fingers to see the cause of all this. He saw me with a spray bottle in my hands, drenching his face with weed killer and yelling about how he was a weed and all. The liquid on his face started to burn and, he cried out in agony and fell to the ground face first.

I stopped my yelling and squirting and looked down at him curiously, is he…dead? I couched down lower and heard heavily breaths be taken, I sigh in relief, that wouldn’t have been good if he was dead, and leader would have my neck for sure. I turned around and started to walk away, only to be stopped when a hand shot out and latched on to my ankle. I looked down in horror when I noticed that the hand belonged to Zetsu, and lets all say…he looked beyond pissed. I squealed like a little girl and kicked him in the face, just missing the huge Venus flytrap extensions that instant snapped shut. I then kicked him in the stomach, which he choked and coughed out blood and lessened his grip on my ankle, this is my chance. I tore my ankle away from him and sprinted down the hall.

I looked up and had a face that read are-you-serious? As I seen Itachi and Kisame standing in the middle of the hallway, apparently in deep conversation, how come every time I run away from near death, there has to be fricken people in the way, it was bad enough with Tobi, but these two, nu-uh. As I was running towards them, I looked around for any vacated doors, and yes, there was one to my right…damn it, why did it have to be Tobi’s room, of all the rooms I could have ran to, it had to be Tobi’s. I looked behind me, I could feel the strong surge of kill in Zetsu’s chakra, well, Tobi’s room is better than nothing…right?

I skidded to a halt and rammed the door opened; I ran inside and shut the door behind me. I let out a long, long, long sigh and fell on my knees, a smile cracked my face and I laughed, wow, now that was interesting, he was pissed as hell. I pulled out the piece of paper, success. Now, I just have to do one more and I can move onto the next victim.

3: shove Zetsu in a room full of herbivores, and lock the door behind you

Yep, the ultimate one for Zetsu how had I come to do this, I’m not really sure, I thought amusedly.

“What’s that Hime?” a chirpy voice spoke from behind me. I swerved around and shoved the piece of paper in my pocket, trying not to act too suspicious.

“Oh, nothing, just a list of allergies I have,” I faked cough and sniffed in hard. “I have really bad allergic reactions and I need this sheet so I can avoid that makes me allergic hehe,” I quickly said.

“Is Hime feeling okay? Tobi doesn’t like to see Hime’s sick, he doesn’t at all. Maybe Tobi can help!” he said excitedly and jumped up and down, clapping his hands together hard.

“No, no I think I’ll be alright, thank you for offering though.” I said and turned for the door, only to face plant into a rock hard chest, how the hell can a chest be this hard? I looked up and was bear hugged by Tobi.

“No, don’t go. Stay with Tobi and keep him company, Tobi gets really lonely when no-one wants to play with him,” you think, I thought to myself as I avoided eye contacted with him. “A-and we could walk down to dinner together, Tobi would much appreciate it,” Tobi said, looking hopeful at me. I sighed in defeat and eventually nodded my head.

The next couple of hours were the most boring hours in my life; even Sasori when he was working wasn’t this boring. I’m fricken playing go fish with Tobi, how embarrassing; he’s supposed to be an Akatsuki, not a five year old kid.

“Hime!” Tobi shouted. I jumped out of my skin and looked at him with a startled look.

“What?” I asked.

“Come on, dinner is ready, let’s go and eat now, Tobi is very hungry,” Tobi said and grabbed my arm, hauling to my feet roughly and dragging me out the door. This is such a drag, I thought.

Tobi and I made it to dinner, all the Akatsuki members were seated and chatting to one another, Tobi ran off to sit next to Itachi, while I went to sit between Sasori and Deidara…great, they’re both fighting again, about how art is supposed to be this and supposed to be that…boring. So I had to try and ignore it as much as I can, but it was getting hard since their now practically shouting at each other.

“Oh please, fleeting? I guess that could only come from a gay guy I guess,” Sasori said, balling his fists to his side, but a little smirk made its way to his face as he saw the reaction on his partners face.

“Take that back, I like women, not men, so get your facts right Barbie doll!” Deidara shouted back.

I sighed and pinched the bridge on my nose, this was so pointless, and can’t they just accept the fact that both fleeting and eternal are similar and cool. I grabbed both of their arms and roughly pulled them down in their seats. “Why don’t you fight somewhere else, somewhere where people don’t have to listen to your silly bickering,” I said. Both Sasori and Deidara grumbled and cursed under their breaths and faced away from each other, I sweat-dropped at this and waited patiently for my food to come.

Konan came walking in and started placing food on the table, once it was all set, everyone started digging into their food. In a way during the dinner, I lost my appetite from all the males scoffing down the food; it was quite disgusting, but slightly interesting at the same time. How the hell do they fit it all in? When I finally had the stomach to eat the rest of my food without vomiting, Sasori’s bowl when BANG! Everyone turned their attention to Sasori as he was now covered in hot oil…yes, that’s the only thing he can have since he’s a puppet and all.

Then Deidara started laughing. “Haha, he fell for it, oh god that was funny,” Deidara said in-between laughs. He clutched at his stomach and rolled to the floor laughing.

Pein looked at the oil covered Sasori and then to Deidara. “Deidara?” Pein called out earning the attention from the whole Akatsuki. Deidara looked up and replied with a yes. “How did you get your hands onto your detonating clay?” he asked. Everything was silence, no-one dared to break it as they waited for Deidara to answer.

Deidara stopped laughing and looked at Pein with a sheepish grin, “I…stole it, yeah,” was all he said before he zoomed out of the room in a flash.

Sasori and Pein eyed the spot where Deidara once was and shot up from their chairs, both yelling out at the same time, “Deidara!”

Dinner finished and I headed to bed, Deidara was nowhere to be seen so Sasori and Pein are still on the hunt for him. I walked into my room and flopped onto my bed, tomorrow is going to be a very interesting day. With that thought said, I instantly fell asleep.

XXX

I awoke the next morning and started preparing for my ultimate “how to piss of Zetsu”. I found a suitable room to put all the herbivores in, and now the only thing left to do was to find Zetsu, I just hope he got over the whole weed killer thing…I hope. I walked into the garden and to my relief I found him sitting by the pond. I casually walked over to him and stood a few feet away from him, I coughed out once and got his attention.

What do you want human, I haven’t gotten over that incident yesterday!” said the black half. I laughed nervously.

“I’m sorry for that, I accidentally mistaken you for a weed hehe,” I replied, Zetsu only let out a gruff and turned away from me. “I want to make it up to you; I have an awesome surprise for you.”

Zetsu shift his eyes to me in a questioning look, “and what might that be?” the white half asked.

“Come and I’ll show you,” I started to walk away, making sure that Zetsu was following. I suppressed a giggle once we reached the room. “Here we are.” He moved out of the way for him to get passed, he opened the door and walked in.
“What the-” he wasn’t able to finish his sentence when the door behind him closed. He walked to it and tried to open it, it was no use, and he was trapped inside. He looked behind him in horror and the plant-eating animals started to approach him. He ran to the wall and was about to go through it but instead rammed into it.

“Oh, just to mention, you can’t go through the walls and everything, I put this Justus up so you wouldn’t escape…have fun,” I called out and walked away. I heard him scream from the top of his lungs and cursing at me…but when I made it to the other side of the hallway, the door burst opened and Zetsu stood there, trembling in anger. Ok, how the fricken hell did he get out? I shouted in my head.

“I’m feeling I little hungry, I don’t think those animals were enough, but a human will fill us right up,” Zetsu growled out and charged at me. I squealed and bolted for my life, yep, made him pissed. As I was running away, I pulled out the piece of paper and ticked his name off, how to piss off Zetsu, complete. I shoved it back in my pocket and screamed for help as Zetsu gained speed on my tail. Jeez, I wonder who my next victim is.

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