How to Piss off the Akatsuki

Hime is an Akatsuki member, not really, mostly a servent, she comes up with an awesome idea, to piss off all the Akatsuki members, there will be a lot of drama and funny moments, and everyone is falling victim to Hime's evil plans...

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4. How to Piss off Deidara

“Ow!” I yelled out as Sasori tendered to my dislocated shoulder, again he pushed the bone back and it caused me to scream. Pissing off Zetsu wasn’t the greatest idea, but I finished it though…even if it did cause my arm to nearly break off and a whole lot of chew marks on my body, oh well, at least it’s over. Sasori pushed the bone once more time and it finally snapped back into place, I yelped and instantly shot my arm up to rub the sore spot on my shoulder; I winced and retracted my hand back to see that it was covered in a lot of blood.

“You idiot, I need to stitch that up you know,” Sasori said, he leaned over to his right and grabbed small bottle of disinfected cream. I eyed it with caution as he dipped two fingers into the bottle and pulled them out to show a nice coat of white cream.

“You’re not serious, are you?” I asked weakly, the stuff he had in his hands killed; it feels like hot coal, covered in salt that was shoved into your wound, it was horrible. “B-but, that stuff-” I was cut off when Sasori ignored me and applied the ointment on my wound.

I yelped again and hissed out in pain; tears prickled the corners of my sapphire eyes. “Is it over?” I said impatiently, trying to turn my shoulder away from him to try and ease the pain a bit…no good, he kept a firm grip on me and turned me back around.

“Hold still, you’re going to make it worse,” he growled out, clamming his hand over my wound and pushing the open cut together to seal it and start his process at stitching it back together.

“But it hurts so much, please stop, it hurts!” I screeched and struggled in his grasp.

Outside of the medic room, Hidan walked by and heard the commotion. He walked up to the door and placed his ear against it, listening intently to what’s going on inside, he could hear a lot of painful groans and shrieks, then he heard something that shocked him beyond belief. “Stop Sasori, that hurts!” and “Hold still, I need to push it in so I can get started!” Hidan pushed himself away from the door; a surprised look covered his face. Fuck, Sasori’s finally is getting laid, I’m…very proud of him, Hidan thought, a wide smirk graced his lips. He leaned back in and heard more, much more that made his member (You should know what I’m hinting at) stand considerably high. “Sasori!” was all he could make out before he was forcefully pulled away from the door by Kakuzu.

“What are you doing?” Kakuzu asked, raising an eyebrow at the overly hyper Hidan. He looked at him and saw trickles of blood fall from his nose and that he was having a very obvious erection.

All Hidan could say was, “Sasori finally got laid,” and strolled off in a satisfied mood.

Kakuzu raised his other eyebrow up and turned his attention to the door where Sasori “Supposedly” got laid. “O-kay” and with that he rushed away from the door.

Back inside the medic room, Sasori was just about finished with my wound, he did the finale stitches and pulled back, “there, all done. Now you can stop your complaining,” he said and stood up to pack away his things.

“Thank you, it feels much better,” I said with a relieved sigh.

“So…” Sasori started off, “why were you making Zetsu angry?” he asked and turned to look at me with narrowed chestnut eyes.

I gulped and started to sweat badly, “Well ah,” I choked out. What am I supposed to say? Sasori can practically read me like a book, there’s no use to lying to him, he would see right through it and that could be trouble, plus, I’m a terrible liar when it comes to these kinds of things…but I don’t want him to know about the pissing off Akatsuki, he would tell everyone for sure. What to do? I can both lie and try to get away with it or, I could tell him and risk everyone else knowing…number one it is.

“I-I uh, I just don’t like him,” terrible, just terrible Hime, he’s so going to believe that.

“Wrong answer,” was all Sasori said before he disappeared. I frantically looked around me, where did he go? I thought. Then I was knocked over and he was sitting on me, my arms pinned above my head, and with him straddling my waist and pinning my legs together with his. “Now, I’ll say this again, why you were making Zetsu angry?” he said in a low husky voice. I blushed heavily, not from the way he spoke but from the position we were both in. okay, very awkward, very awkward indeed.

“Well…um, you see…” I started but Sasori cut me off, “my patients are growing thin, I suggest you get a move on, I don’t have all day,” he whispered in his usual deep, soothing voice. I gulped again, my face now turning as red as his hair.

“IwasboredsoImadethislisttopissofftheAkatsukibecauseyouallaresoboringandIalreadycompletedtwowhichwasyouandZetsu…” I said extremely fast. Sasori gave me a blank look with hints of confusion in his eyes.

“What? Speak slower, that was way too fast for me to make out any words you were saying,” he said.

I took a deep breath and started again. “I said, I was bored so I made this list to piss off the Akatsuki, because you all are so boring and I already completed two which was you and Zetsu,” I finished.

“So, your basically saying that you made a list of all of us and what would make us pissed off because you were bored?” he explained, I nodded. “Then you were the one that blew up my puppets?” I weakly nodded again. I heard him sigh and release me, he stood up and started pacing around the room, “Genius, but also very stupid.”

I laughed nervously and scratched the back of my head, “I guess it is isn’t it,” I mumbled.

“So who’s next?” he asked.

“What?”

“Who’s the next target to your “pissing off Akatsuki” mission?” he asked again.

“Oh,” was all I said and reached for my pocket and unfolded the piece of paper. Sasori came up from behind me and looked over my shoulder, “well, I guess Deidara is next,” I said, missing the dark smirk that embedded on Sasori’s face.

“Deidara huh?” we both looked down the page, just below his name.

Operation number three piss off Deidara

1: keep on call Deidara gay

Sasori and I kept eyeing the paper, and then burst out laughing, surprisingly, Sasori was the one laughing the hardest, wow, never thought I’d see the day he would ever laugh. I thought, but kept on with my laughing.

“This is going to be very interesting,” we both said at the same time.

XXX

Night time came quickly as it did, I was laying in my room looking up at the ceiling in boredom, I had a two hour talk with Sasori about not telling anyone about my evil plot, he eventually complied, only if I helped him with his work and that, small price to pay but at least no-one else will know. Deidara was on a mission and won’t be back till tomorrow, so I just sat there looking as bored as ever.

A knock on the door alerted me and I sat up quickly, “Come in,” I called out, waiting patiently for whoever was to come in. the door opened and…Oh fuck no…it was Tobi once again. What is with him and popping up everywhere, am I like cursed or something? Oh great, is that tears I see, don’t tell me he’s fricken crying.

“What do you want?” I said, holding back a sneer. Tobi began wailing and gave me a tight hug.

“Deidara isn’t here; Tobi’s sad because Tobi was supposed to go with him and he said no and left me behind!” Tobi cried hard into my chest, I could feel warm droplets of water slide down my top, how very uncomfortable.

“Um, it’s alright, he’ll be back tomorrow,” I tried to comfort him, patting his back and leaning slightly away from him. His head shot up immediately.

“Really, do you mean that?” he weakly asked. I know I mean that because he is coming back tomorrow you fricken retard, I wanted to shout at him but bit my tongue from doing so. “Yeah,” was my reply? He lit up in excitement and squeezed me tighter. Yep, I officially don’t have any oxygen in me. My face started to turn slightly purple, but Tobi didn’t take notice and squeezed me more, then my face started turning blue and I started struggling in his grasp. I need air; I really need it now. I started gasping, but no air went through my mouth, oh shit, I’m dead, I can’t talk because he is hugging me too tightly.

Then suddenly Tobi was ripped from me and I dizzily fell to the floor, gasping for air greedily and refilling my air ways. Much better…once I recovered I looked up to see my saviour. It was Deidara! Wow, that’s something new.

Deidara dangled Tobi right in front of his face, a scowl coats his flawless facial features. “What the hell are you doing suffocating Hime yeah?” Deidara asked, roughly shaking Tobi by the collar.

“I-I was giving Hime a hug, I swear I wasn’t suffocating her,” Tobi said, waving his hands in front of him.

“Well, it didn’t look like that when I walked past,” he shook Tobi again and threw him out of the room, hearing I crunching noise from outside. Deidara smirked victoriously and turned towards me and held out his hand, “you alright?” he asked.

I gratefully took his hand and he hauled me to my feet, I could feel something slimy slide over my palm and I quickly pulled my hand away from his. I looked at the mouth on his hand and the slimy wet trail across my hand, I brought it to my face and looked at it with disgust; I bit of drool dripped from my palm…yuck. I casual wiped the drool away and looked at him questioningly. “Why are you here so early, shouldn’t you be back tomorrow?”

“Yeah well, I had a lucky break and finished my mission early, I decided to come back right away and hand leader the information I collected during the mission, so, you know, I wouldn’t have to do it later on,” Deidara said, shrugging lightly and giving me a charming smile.

“Is that all?” I asked. If I knew Deidara, there had to be more than that, he wasn’t the type of guy to finish so quickly, no offence or anything. Then an idea popped into my head. “I think I know why you finished so quickly,” I declared.

He looked at me curiously, hints of nervousness flicked through his lighting blue eyes. “And what might that be yeah?”

“You missed Sasori and you wanted to finish early so you can see him again,” I said and winked at him. A blush rose to his cheeks. “Besides, Tobi did replace him and you must terribly miss him because you…like him.” Deidara’s nice pink face turned bright red.

“W-what are you talking about, I don’t like him, I’m not gay if that’s what your referring to!” he raised his voice at me, which was making the grin on my face widen.

“You keep telling yourself that, but I know you love him because...” I turned around so I was right up in his face, “you’re gay,” I whispered. That’s all it took to get Deidara over the edge, it was kinda true that Deidara liked Sasori in a way, I always saw him watching Sasori work intently, and sometimes when Sasori spoke to him, his face would go a little pink. It’s quite funny really.

“I’m not fucking gay you got that!” He yelled in my face, I moved back a bit, suppressing a giggle down.

 “Well then, prove it; prove that you’re not gay then?” I taunted him. He opened his mouth, but quickly shut it again, he started hesitating and snarling at me in the process. “I’m waiting,” I cupped my ear and leaned forward slight.

“I’m. Not. Gay!” he hissed out and turned to storm out of the room.

“Well, you didn’t prove it so you must be, so, I think I’ll tell Itachi about this, he’s going to love it,” I said matter-of-a-fact. My words stopped Deidara in his tracks, he also flinched at the name Itachi, yep he quite hated Itachi for what he did to him, forcing him into Akatsuki and all…felt sorry for him as well.

My heart stopped as I saw him reach into his clay pouch, I gulped. He doesn’t think of blowing my room up, does he? “Ah, what are you doing?” I asked, still eyeing the hand that now came back out of his pouch with a clump of clay in his hands. I backed away slowly, yep; he’s going to do it…not good. Of all the times like this, I wish Tobi was here, as I hate to admit it, but he is Akatsuki after all and he would be able to protect me.

Deidara turned to me with an evil glint in his eyes, “I’m going to make this room into a work of art yeah,” and right after that he through two clay spiders at me, great, and I have a little phobia of spiders. I screamed and bolted past Deidara, only to get pulled right back and shoved towards the clay spiders. Oh no, I’m going to die, I shut my eyes tight, waiting for the pain to swell over. I heard I big explosion, but there was no pain, I cracked an eye open and found myself on top of the Akatsuki hideout unharmed. There were two feet in front of me, I looked up and saw Kisame standing over me with a toothy grin.

“I saved you, now you own me,” he said and brought his hand out in front of me, I watched in mid shock, and turned my face to his once again.

“What?” was all I could make out?

“Come on girly, I know you have some money, now cough it up,” he said and grabbed me by the legs and started shaking me around like a rag doll. Coins and dollar notes fell from one pocket, which were my savings, and the piece of paper in the other pocket. My eyes budged out of their sockets and I quickly snatched it up before Kisame saw it.

“Well, you have quite a lot of money there girly, don’t worry, I’ll leave you some behind,” he chuckled and grabbed a chunk of the money on the ground; he then tossed me to the side and walked off satisfied. I grumbled under my breath and picked up the remaining money that was left behind.

I stood up and walked back into the hideout, keeping an eye for Deidara and keeping my guard up.

“What happened?” A voice said from behind me, I jumped away from the voice and looked at the person behind me. Sasori stood there, arms crossed over his wooden chest and a smug look on his face, “did I scare you?” he asked amusedly.

“No!” I quickly yelled out, huffing and turning away from him, nose sticking in the air.

“So what was that big bang?” Sasori asked. I looked at him and slightly sweat-dropped.

“Well, you already know about the whole pissing off the Akatsuki thing yes?” he nodded and I continued, “Well, I successfully finished the first step…which cost me my room to blow up,” I mumbled the last bit.

Sasori looked at me blankly; a smile cracked his impassive face, “well if only I was there to see it,” he said to himself. I hummed a yes and turned away slightly. “What’s the next step on the list?” I pulled the sheet out and looked down on it.

2: mistaken Deidara for a girl

“Well, the next one you have to help me with, because…you’re going to love it,” I said and past the paper to him. He looked at it and shook his head.

“No can do, I have stuff-” he abruptly stopped when I went right up to his face and gave him my famous puppy dog eyes, I battered my blue eyes repeatedly and pouted slightly, “naw please Sasori, it would make my day if you did,” I said in a cute disappointed voice.

Sasori’s cheeks tint pink, he averted his eyes to the side and sighed loudly, “Fine, but you own me,” he said and pushed me away a little. I nodded and beamed at him.

XXX

It was dinner and everyone started piling in the room, they all sat down and waited for the food to arrive. Once again I sat next to Deidara and Sasori, tension between me and Deidara radiated off each other, not what I wanted while at dinner. Sasori looked at me, waiting for the signal to get this over with; I nodded slightly and coughed loudly. I turned to Deidara and then at the door that lead to the kitchen.

Konan and Pein came out, holding plates and plates full of delicious food; Konan was a great cook, not because she was a girl, but that she was the only one out of all of us, besides me that could be bothered to cook. I stood up and helped carry the trays of food; Konan thanked me and moved to sit in her chair. I walked over to Deidara’s side of the table; I smiled lightly and pretend to fall over, spilling water on Deidara’s shirt.

“Oops, sorry miss, I was a little clumsy there hehe,” I apologised. I could hear small chuckles come from the other men around the room, besides Itachi, Konan and Pein.

“Excuse me?” Deidara growled out, “What did you just call me yeah?” I looked at him dumbly and I faked to look shocked.

“Oh sorry, I kinda mistaken you for a girl, since your hair style makes you look like one,” I replied. Sasori covered his mouth to hold back a laugh, Hidan and Kisame cracked up laughing, Tobi was on the floor, pointing accusingly at Deidara and banging the floor with his other hand while laughing loudly, Itachi, Kakuzu and Pein smirked and Zetsu and Konan just sat there with a bored look.

Deidara seethed with anger, giving me a very dirty look, his face flushed red from embarrassment and anger; he fisted the table, like if holding back his rage. I looked at him and gave him a sweet smile, not really bothered by the killing intent in his chakra.

“Sorry, but really, you do look like a girl, I bet a lot of people mistaken you for one. Your face looks like a girl, your hair looks like a girl, hell, even what you wear is probably what a girl wears,” I stated. This time, Itachi, Kakuzu and Pein started to laugh, Konan and Zetsu smiled at the comment.

“That’s it! Your dead, I should have killed you along since you came!” Deidara shouted out and was about to grab my neck if it wasn’t for Sasori’s interference.

“Now Deidara, everyone is trying to have a nice dinner, I don’t think we want a girly man like you’re to ruin it,” Sasori said.

Deidara‘s face was redder than, well the colour red, but this time, it was more than embarrassment and anger. I inwardly smirked at this, reminding myself to thank Sasori for saving my neck…get it, neck? Deidara was going to strangle me, hehe oh well.

“Don’t you start Barbie yeah,” Deidara interjected.

“But that’s not my name; I thought for sure you would remember it by now Dei-Dei,” Sasori breathed out, looking at Deidara with a lopsided grin. Deidara clenched his teeth.

“Don’t call me that yeah.”

“Call you what?” there was a small silence between them; they stared at each other intensely.

“Dei-Dei, never call me that again,” Deidara pointed out.

“What, does it make you sound more girly?” Sasori smirked and turned away from him, eyelids closed. I watched as Deidara started having a fit. Everyone was watching them with mild interest, which quickly got me to pull out the piece of paper from my pocket; I turned away slightly so most of my back was facing them and read the next line.

3: cut Deidara’s hair off

You gotta be kidding me; this will ruin his perfect face… which makes it more the better. I put the piece of paper back into my pocket and searched the room for a pair of scissors, my eyes landed on the kitchen bench in the other room, bingo. I slipped away to the other room without anyone noticing, and grabbed the pair of scissors that lay there untouched. I went back into the current room I was in and walked up behind Deidara.

Deidara continued shouting and ranting about not looking like a girl, Sasori just sat there growing bored by all of this. I raised the scissors to Deidara’s ponytail, which I was thankful that half of his hair wasn’t down. Everyone turned their gaze to me with slightly widened eyes. I placed the scissors just below the hair tie, if only someone else could of done this, his hair is just too perfect and silky, and also very soft to add in.

Then suddenly, snip, and a whole bunch of blond hair cascaded to the ground. Deidara stopped his yelling to feel some of his hair slightly brush his neck, he slowly turned around and looked down in horror at the beautiful blond locks that now lay on the ground. There was a piercing scream that echoed throughout the hideout, maybe even further.

“My hair, my precious hair, ruined yeah!” he screamed, he looked at me with blue eyes blazing to life. “You fucking crossed the line girl, hope you can run because I’m going to rip you to shreds then blow you to smithereens!” he screeched out, I gulped and tossed the scissors aside and bolted out of the room. Deidara having his hands full of clay, ready to throw at me and blow me up. Great, after this, I’m surely going to be in the hospital, I thought mentally.

Another idea popped into my head, I finished pissing off Deidara, but before this ends, I have one last thing to do. “Hey Deidara?” I called out over my shoulder. He didn’t make a noise but kept running after me…so I basically continued. “You know, only a girl uses play-dough to harm the enemy, why don’t you fight like a man and get rid of that stupid baby play-dough of yours yeah?” I added the yeah in for the fun of it.

He growled viciously at my direction and threw a clay bird at me, when it reached my back, I quickly ducked and it exploded…so close, which could have been real messy.  “Come on Deidara yeah, don’t keep me waiting, I’m not in the mood to play play-dough. I think I’m a bit grown up for that yeah!” I yelled over my shoulder. And that…made him snap. Pissing off Deidara, complete, can’t wait to find out who’s next on the list hehe.

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