How to Piss off the Akatsuki

Hime is an Akatsuki member, not really, mostly a servent, she comes up with an awesome idea, to piss off all the Akatsuki members, there will be a lot of drama and funny moments, and everyone is falling victim to Hime's evil plans...


5. How to piss of Kisame

I groaned out in pain, my body ached and cramped into certain places throughout my body. I lay on a white bed, with white sheets draped over me, my head still pounding from all the explosions that ignited around me when I ran from Deidara, it was a bad, bad day. After nearly dying from Deidara, Sasori and Konan took me to the hospital while Hidan held the raging Deidara down, then after that, Tobi and surprisingly Pein came to visit me, mostly Tobi did.

It has been four days from the incident and I was growing restless, this was utter boredom, or might I say, torture. I really want to continue my evil plans but in this condition, nu-uh. I reached for my Akatsuki cloak and pulled out the piece of paper and looked at it.

Operation number four piss off Kisame:

1: every time you see Kisame, splash a bucket of water at him

How the fricken hell am I supposed to carry water everywhere I go and when I see Kisame and splash it at him. This one is going to be very exhausting, I made a grim face and placed the paper back into my pocket and leaned back to looking up at the ceiling, after pissing off Deidara, I kinda feel sorry for him, I want to apologise, but how can I when he probably won’t ever speak to me again, we were practically best friends. I let my arms fall to my sides and hang off the edge of the bed. You can’t change the past I guess; only god knows what Deidara is feeling right now.

 Then the door opened and I abruptly shot of from my lying position…speak of the devil, Deidara walked in, his eyes downcast and a deep frown etched his face, he walked over to the edge of my bed and looked at me with apologetic sky blue eyes. We continued to look at each other, the guilt in my chest swelled up each minute we glanced at each other, the silence between us was unbearable, it was like the air was suffocating you as to try and urge a sound from you.

Then finally the silence was broken, “I’m sorry,” we both said at the same time, we looked at each other, and then looked away as quickly as it did. “I…uh, I didn’t mean to go that far with you know…trying to blow you up yeah,” he said and gingerly rubbed the back of his neck, looking at the vase next to my bed that was filled with red and white roses.

I waved my hands in front of me frantically “No, don’t apologise, I think the one to do that is me, I went too far and I know who you don’t like being called those things so…it’s my entire fault,” I whispered softly. This made him sincerely smile at me.

“Never knew you were the apologetic one,” he laughed, placing his hands on his hips. Way to ruin the moment, I thought. “So, what are you going to do when you get out of the hospital?” he asked. I shrugged my shoulders and blankly looked out into the distance.

“Don’t know,” I lied.

“Oh,” everything fell into an awkward silence; I fumbled with my fingers, not liking this feeling in the atmosphere. I looked up at him and back down at my intertwined hands. Okay, maybe just one more person won’t hurt; I just hope he doesn’t mention it to anyone else.

“Um, Deidara?” I asked, calmly waiting for him to reply. He gave a heads-up and I continued, “Can I tell you something, and I mean something that is not to be told to anyone else and that it has to stay between us,” I looked at him closely, studying his movement and facial expression.

“Sure, what is it yeah?” he asked.

I took a deep breath and spoke, “The reason why I was pissing you off so much was because I made this list to piss of the Akatsuki,” I slowly let out, narrowing my blue eyes at him. Is he going to rage, yell at me…or ever hurt me? This thought caused me to sweat a little, but the next thing that happened made me very confused. He began laughing and banging at the table next to him. “Y-you aren’t angry or anything?”

“Haha, of course…I’m angry, but…what you just told me…is fucking funny,” he said in between laughs. I looked at him bewildered, my mouth slightly agape.  Once he stopped he looked at me while wiping to tears from his eyes, a wide grin plastered his face. “So pissing of the Akatsuki yeah, what a dangerous thing to do. Who else have you pissed off and who else knows about this?” he asked.

“I’ve already pissed off Sasori and Zetsu, now including you that’s three people, I already told Sasori about this, so it’s only going to be us three knowing about this little secret…got it,” I pointed at him, giving him a warning stare, he held up his hands in defeat.

“Yeah, yeah, got it,” he said. “So who’s next?”

“It’s Kisame and I have to chuck a bucket of water at him every time I see him,” I informed.

“Oh could I help,” Deidara asked excitedly, I smiled and nodded my head.


The next few days flew by and finally I was out of the hospital, I stretched lazily as I walked out of the front entrance with Deidara in tow, we had been discussing some things to make that first mission to pissing of Kisame work, we came to the conclusion that Deidara will be carrying the buckets of water while every time I see Kisame, I grab a bucket and tossing the water at him, I’ll also be adding a little name for Kisame once I do it…Shark boy, hehe, that would surely pull a nerve.

Me and Deidara walked side by side on a path walk, our Akatsuki cloaks swishing in the violent wind, I covered my face to try and get some of the annoying wind out of my face, while Deidara just held his straw hat lower, not only to protect his face, but to make should that it doesn’t blow off his head. The wind started to grate on my nerves, it didn’t go unnoticed either.

“Do you want to stop and find shelter until the wind dies?” Deidara asked in a tired tone, his shoulders slumped down a bit as he cocked his head to the side with an annoyed look.

“No, we can make it, it’s just a little wind that’s all,” I announced, oh how I hate being stubborn, I inwardly thought, soon it’s going to get me kill…maybe worse than that. I trudged forwards, battling against the strong currents of the wind, the more I pushed myself, the more I began to fall back as the wind blew stronger and stronger onto me. I took another step, one step was all it took for me to lose my balance and stumble back onto Deidara and knocking both of us over. We both landed hard onto the ground, me knocking the wind out of Deidara.

Then a figure appeared and hauled us both up and teleported us back to the Akatsuki hideout, I opened my eyes and found myself face to face with an orange swirly mask. I yelped and took a couple of steps back, when I realised it was just Tobi, my anger piped up and I smashed my fist against the side of his face while yelling out, “Never, and I mean never ever do that again Tobi, you nearly gave me a heart attack.”

Tobi clutched his cheek in agony, “Tobi didn’t mean to scare you, Tobi was only trying to help because Tobi is a good boy,” Tobi wailed and rolled around on the ground sulking. I rolled my eyes at this childish behaviour and worked my way around him.

Deidara sat up and rubbed his sore stomach, a hissed tore past him lips when his hand crossed over a bruise. He slowly stood up and followed behind me in a limping sorta way.

We made it to my room and I sat down on my bed, Deidara following suit. “So when are we going to do this?” Deidara asked, looking over at me.

“Now,” was all I said as I stood up and made my way to the wardrobe in the far corner of my room. I opened the doors and pulled out three buckets and placed them beside me and placed my hands to my hips, a cunning smile appeared on my face. Deidara smirked back and carried the buckets into the bathroom.

We were both prepared to get this show on the road, Deidara lift the buckets of icy cold water over his shoulder and followed me out of my room. We walked down the hallways, already I noticed Deidara wobbling a little from the uneven weight on his shoulder, two buckets on one side and one on the other. I walked into the kitchen, and to my luck I found Kisame seated in a chair chowing down on some Ramen. I rolled my eyes at this disgusting behaviour and turned to Deidara.

Deidara handed me one of the buckets, Kisame still oblivious that I was there…some ninja. I slowly and quietly creep up behind him and held the bucket above my head…then…I dumped the water on top of his head.

Kisame jolted out of his chair and fifty feet away from me…not literally. He looked around him frantically, shivering slightly from the cold water that was moments ago splashed onto him. Then he looked over at me with a slightly bewildered look. “Did you see who did that?” he asked me. Honestly, is he that stupid that he can’t even see the bucket in my hands and was still raised up in the air; it’s as obvious as a sore thumb.

“Hm, oh I wonder,” I muttered, I waved the bucket over my head, making his attention turn to it.

Then realisation clicked in his tiny brain, “It was you,” he pointed accusingly at me, I rolled my eyes…I think that’s starting to be my new habit, and looked at him with an expression that said ‘no shit’. His face twisted into a scowl, “Don’t do that again alright.” Sorry mate, you’re going to be getting more than a splash in the face that’s for sure, I thought.

“But don’t you need water to breath?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“If you haven’t have noticed, I’m breathing right now without water you stupid girl,” he shot back, hands clenched into fists by his side.

“Doesn’t mean anything,” I said, I signalled Deidara to hand me another bucket of water, he handed it to me and I held it up and smirked. Kisame eyed the bucket in my hands.

“Don’t you dare,” he growled out.

I just stuck my tongue out at him and tossed the water at him, unfortunately it missed him as he narrowly dodged it. He turned away from me when he dodged it, this gave me the chance to get him again so I grabbed the last bucket from Deidara and when Kisame turned back around I threw the water at him, successfully getting him.

He stood there shocked for a second, then regained his senses and snarled at me, “alright, that’s it bitch,” he hissed out and charged at me.

Deidara, who was laughing his head off at the scene played before him abruptly stopped and stared in horror as Kisame held up his fists to punch the both of them.

“RUN!” Deidara squealed like a girl and grabbed my arms, roughly pulling me along with him down the hallways; we both sprinted as fast as our feet could take us away from the angry shark man, my breath becoming ragged and short. Deidara noticed this but didn’t say anything.

Then…I tripped and fell and landed face first on the ground, I groaned in pain and crawled to my knees, Deidara stopped a few feet away from me, looking at me with slight concern. We heard Kisame’s voice growing louder and closer ever minute, I slowly turned behind me, okay, so what should I do? Stays crouched here and become bait to the angry shark man…or, take the effort to stand up and run, hm, such a hard decision…I think I’ll just stay here and die since I can’t be bothered to go anywhere…too tired. I slumped to the ground and let out a tired sigh.

Deidara rolled his eyes at this; he just knew I was going to do this to him, which means he would have to carry my sorry ass everywhere. He grudgingly walked over to me and hauled me up so I was clinging to his back in a piggy-back-ride. “How humiliating,” I heard him mutter. He adjust me comfortably on his back, once I was securely on, he bolted outta there.


Out on the other side of the hideout, Sasori was bandaging up Hidan’s arm. Then they both heard a loud screeching sound. They both looked up in confusion. Sasori just shrugged it off and started finishing up on Hidan’s arm, while Hidan pondered on what the scream was.


Deidara and I fell into my room in utter exhaustion, we both panted heavily, Deidara managed to crawl to his feet and walk over to my bed and collapse onto it, letting out a ragged muffled sigh in the pillow. I just sat up and leaned against the wall.

“Never ran so much in my life yeah,” Deidara admitted, turning his face to face me. I nodded in agreement and smiled.

“Yeah, but don’t forget, we still have two more things to do to piss of Kisame before we can move on, so expect a lot of running during then,” I said. I heard Deidara groan and stuff his head back into the pillow.

Night came, during then I managed to pull myself to the bed and sleep as well. Deidara was the one to wake up first, he felt something very warm at his side, and he reached out and felt something squishy under his hand. He raised an eyebrow in confusion and squeezed it more. he cracked his eyes open and turned to find me sleeping beside him, and the squishy thing he was groping was…well was my breast, which I instantly woke up from and looked down at the uncomfortable feeling on my boob and found his hand there, still squeezing it. I slowly looked up at him with an evil glint in my eyes saying ‘if you don’t get that hand of yours off of me right now, you’re going to feel a whole lot of pain’. Deidara seemed to have complied as he quickly retracted his hand away from me and muttered an apology.

I faced palmed and pulled out the sheet of paper.

2: call Kisame a fish instead of a shark

Okay, this will be easy, seeing as he would respond strongly to something like that, he never liked people calling him a fish; he would kill them before they even get the word out of their mouths. I shuddered a bit at the memory of a time that had happened; it was surprisingly Hidan that copped it instead of Tobi.

I got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom to wash up. Deidara eventually got up and made the bed out of boredom. Once I was finished we both walked down to the kitchen, finding Itachi and Kisame at the table eating. Me and Deidara both eyed Kisame cautiously as we made our dinner.

Once we finished we walked over to sit with them, Kisame let out a soft growl. Itachi looked at him with a curious looked but kept at his eating.

I glanced at Deidara from the corner of my eye, he did the same but gave a light nodded. I gulped and put on a bright smile that could dazzle anyone any day. “Hi Itachi…Kisame,” I greeted. Itachi gave me a nodded while Kisame growled more loudly than before.

Deidara turned away from the scene and hid his sly smile.

“Um, Kisame?” I called out, earning Kisame to slam his hands on the table and knock over not only his but Itachi’s dinner as well. Itachi looked slightly bewildered at this and turned to Kisame with narrowed eyes.

“What,” he said, tints of anger flicked out.

“I just wanted to know if you were more of a fish that a shark,” I said. Deidara couldn’t contain it anymore and fell off his chair laughing to death. I suppressing a giggle and stayed calm.

“Huh, what was that bitch, please, I would love to hear that again,” Kisame hissed out, cupping his ear with his large blue hand and snarling while at it.

“I said-” I was cut off when Kisame grabbed for my throat, only to be stopped by Itachi placing his hand onto it.

“I don’t know what’s going on here, but I suggest you both stop. My supposed peaceful dinner was disrupted by to children harassing my partner, now I think you either stop this childish nonsense or you could take it elsewhere where I’m not around,” Itachi said, Sharingan ablaze and looking intently at both me and Kisame, We coward in fear a bit and said nothing, Deidara still on the ground laughing.

“Fish,” was all I said and ran out of there in a flash. Kisame roared in anger and pushed Itachi away rough, to his surprise and ran after me.

I screamed and wailed my hands in the air… but abruptly stopped. I looked around myself and made a couple of hand signs for a transformation Jutsu and turned myself into Konan.

Kisame came around the corner and stopped to see me leaning against the wall, pretending to look busy in making a paper crane. I heard him gulp and say his hello to me, oblivious that it is actually me. I just simply nodded and watch as he quickly power walked away from me.

I waited a couple of minutes to make sure he was gone and transformed back into myself. I let out a relieved sigh and wipe the sweat away from my brow. That was too close for comfort, I thought. I quickly made my way back to the kitchen to find Deidara still on the ground laughing and Itachi still standing there looking slightly surprised.

He turned to me with a questioning look, “what was that all about?” he asked.

I innocently shrugged my shoulders and replied, “Beats me,” and walked over to Deidara and tapped his shoulder. He looked up with tears coming out of his eyes and a bright red face.

“Yes,” was his reply?

“Come on, we gotta do one more thing and then we could laugh all we want,” I said and hauled Deidara to his feet. He giggled a little and took deep breaths, he nodded and calmed more.

Itachi looked on with a slightly open mouth, but then he narrowed his eyes at me and Deidara in suspicion, what are they up to? He thought. He started to put the pieces together to the puzzle, but still could not find an answer. First Sasori, then Zetsu and now Kisame, what is she planning. He kept glaring at my back, sending chills down my spine, and not the good ones either.

I turned behind me slightly to see he was not there at all, my eyes widened a fraction and turned back around and walked away. I felt a little uneasy, Itachis catching on quickly, I need to keep a special eye on him if I’m going to succeed in my little plans, but if he gets too suspicious and so happens to find out, it’s all over. I must be careful.


It was early morning when I awoke; I yawned loudly and stretched my aching limps. Ah now that felt nice, I mused to myself. A smile cracked my lips and I pushed myself out of bed. I took a shower and got dressed, after that I got the piece of paper and read the last task for me to do for Kisame.

3: flood Kisame’s room

Yep, I think this is my new favourite one. I laughed inwardly and walked out to the backyard and grabbed the hose from the garden. I dragged it inside and all the way over to Kisame’s room. I expanded my chakra to sense if he was nearby; thankfully he wasn’t and proceeded into his room. I tossed the hose on the ground and walked out; slamming the door shut securely so no water can get out. I went back out into the garden and turned the tap on full ball. I slapped my hands together and nodded to myself with a wide grin.

I yawned again and walked into the kitchen, Hidan, Sasori, Tobi and Zetsu were there, some were mostly just hanging around out of boredom. I said my hellos and fixed myself some breakfast and sat down to eat.

“Haven’t seen you around lately,” Hidan chimed in, smirking my way.

I sneered at him and turned my head away. “I’ve been busy,” was my reply. I heard him chuckle and walked off. Never had a really good relationship with him, we would mostly argue a lot and tease to each other about pointless stuff, but in a way, I think we kinda secretly enjoy it, it somehow creates a strong bond between us, but not in the most friendly sort of way I might add. But still, we basically hate each other’s guts, not that I’m complaining or anything.

Tobi crept up behind me and pounced onto me, making me startle and fall back with him from my chair. I yelped and wailed my hands frantically in the air and struggled to get out of his death grip, but that only made him tighten his grip more.

“Tobi, get off me!” I yelled at him, but it only fell to death ears as he nudged into me more.

“But Tobi gets lonely and Hime is here to cheer him up,” he announced as if it was a fact. I groaned loudly and gave up.

Then all of a sudden we heard a loud crashing sound and a whole lot of rushing water. We all looked up in curiosity and saw a screaming Kisame frantically run for his life down the hallway, seconds later a whole gush of water came flying past after him. I realised that he must have opened the door to his room and all the water that built up inside flooded out.

I randomly began laughing to myself, I clutched at my stomach and rolled around on the floor, kinda like was Deidara did yesterday. Oh god this was too much. I heard more screaming, but it wasn’t just coming from Kisame, it was also coming from Deidara too. Oops, should have warned him, oh well. Then I winced a little when I heard Kisame and Deidara yell out my name, okay I think hear the shops calling for me.

Well, how to piss of Kisame complete, next one…you’ll find out next time, I mused.


A/N: Sorry it took a bit to update, been a little busy lately XD

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