Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

*WARNING*
A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters

107Likes
556Comments
50185Views
AA

82. 'You're Not Alone'

A/N
Hey my lovelies! So this is really coming to an end, eek! Anyways this chapter is pretty emotional and serious but I think it’s pretty important considering the recent events.
R.I.P. Skye, you will definitely be missed! If you wish, take a minute of silence in her memory…
Anyways, I won’t hold you on anymore. Please comment, even if it’s just short, I love them all. And like/fave if you haven’t already.

Enjoy! xoxo, M.

 

 

 

Chapter 71

"You're Not Alone"

 

 Mag's P.O.V.


I stood outside the church staring at the entrance, where Skye's parents were talking to the priest and a couple, who Harry had informed me, were Lauren's parents. I could tell by the woman with dark curly hair, which resembled Skye's mother's. Skye had inherited her father's straight blond hair and blue eyes, which was rare. Usually brown eyes and hair were stronger genetically.

These were the random thoughts that consumed my mind, until Louis walked up to me offering me his arm. I leaned towards him for support struggling with my crutches, especially due to the pain in my shoulder.

 A broken leg, a fractured shoulder blade, a couple scratches and bruises - apparently I had been lucky. Unlike Skye.

 I couldn't stop the tears from falling as we made our way towards the entrance.

 Skye's mother caught my eye and walked over to me.

 "I know Skye meant a lot to you." She said, struggling with her tears.

 I simply nodded.

 "Thank you for being here." She added touching my healthy arm.

 "I can't even begin to imagine how you feel." I told her and she nodded with a sad smile before walking inside.

 I thought about my words and realized it was a lie.
 I may never have lost a child, but I had lost someone I loved. In fact, the last time I was at a church was for Chris' funeral.

 Louis asked me if I was okay, and I pushed those thoughts aside and nodded as we took our seats in one of the front rows, Zayn was on my other side accompanied by Ada. Niall took the seat next to Louis followed by Tally.

 Liam sat with Skye's parents, along with Harry and Lauren, her being Skye's cousin.

 I noticed another couple sitting a couple rows from the front and remembered Harry telling me that it was Skye's aunt from her father's side and her husband. Her aunt looked nothing like her father, with her tanned skin, dark hair and brown eyes. She looked vaguely familiar and as I scanned the room, I noticed a girl sitting in one of the back rows. I had noticed her before outside the church because she had kept totally to herself. I looked back and forth between her and the woman. They had the same tanned skin, same chocolate brown eyes, and same height from what I could judge since they were sitting. I would say a bit shorter than Liam, definitely taller than the rest of the Ferguson family.

 The young girl had quite long brown/blonde ombré hair, but apart from that, she looked like a spitting image of Skye's aunt, so I guessed it was her daughter, making her Skye's cousin. Why was she sitting in the back?

 It occurred to me that I had spent plenty of time thinking about the variety of looks in the Ferguson family and just her family in general, so I decided to simply let it go.

*

 I zoned out for a while, until Liam walked up to the podium. I had avoided looking up all this time, but I knew I would have to eventually. I was thankful that it was a closed coffin, as I couldn't bear the thought of seeing her lying there - lifeless and cold.

 I decided to focus on Liam, who clearly was fighting back tears as he started to speak,

*
 "I didn't know Skye, as long as the most of you here today, but the Skye that I knew was an ... extraordinary woman. She was kind, caring, always life of the party, cheering people up. And even though she came off as a tough person, she had a sensitive side just like anyone else, and would easily cry during a sad movie or documentary.

 But most importantly, she was a loving person. When I first found myself falling for Skye, I learned that she had never been in a relationship before or experienced love in return, and I was more than happy to be the first who could share the wonderful feeling with her.

 As I stand here today, I can't help but feel how unfair it is, not just that she left in such a young age... It is unfair that once she finally found love, she didn't have much time to experience it. She'll never get to celebrate an anniversary, throw a wedding or have a family of her own.

 Some people go through their whole life never finding love, and it is incredibly unfair that when someone finally does, they have it taken away from them so soon. It is unfair that when Skye and I found love together, we didn't even get as much time together as I would have wanted, and I regret that more than anything else.

 Once you find somebody you love, don't waste your time worrying about if it's right or wrong, just hold on to that person and spend as much time with them as possible. Because none of us know how long time we will have with the person we love, and you never know if he or she will suddenly be taken away from you.

 I suggest to everyone here today, that you take the time today to tell someone you love them. No matter if it's a parent, sibling, husband or girlfriend... let them know one more time, because you can never tell someone you love them too many times. And if Skye were still with us, I would tell her how I feel about her, every second of my life. Let today be a day of love, for someone who didn't give up on love even when it wasn't around, for someone who deserved it more than anyone else... for Skye."

 

 I was in tears by the end of his speech, and Louis clutched my hand mouthing, "I love you", which I returned with a small smile. It occurred to me how true Liam’s words were. I had spent so much time wondering if Louis was right for me and waiting to be with him. What if it had been I who had died in the accident? I would have made him wait and wait for months; just to have it all end abruptly.

I promised myself that from now on no matter what, when it came to anything to do with love, I would embrace it and not just put it off, because you never know when it will be too late.

*
 When the ceremony was over, I was standing outside waiting to talk with Liam, when I noticed the young girl from before talking with Skye's parents. I spent a while taking in her appearance.

She was definitely pretty, no doubt about that, but I was more intrigued by her outfit. Almost all black from head to toe, but then I remembered this was a funeral, black was the obvious choice. She was wearing black skinny jeans, black suede boots and a dark red flannel on top of a - of all things - black Arctic Monkeys t-shirt.

Odd choice for a funeral and at first I thought it was just her style, but then I figured it could be a tribute to Skye. Skye who loved Arctic Monkeys. Skye who would break as many fashion rules, as she would follow. Skye who stood for doing whatever the hell you wanted, even if it was wearing an Arctic Monkeys t-shirt to a funeral. I suddenly liked this girl who I didn't know, and I wished I could get to know her.

 Just then, Harry walked up to me, while Lauren was talking with her parents.

 "Are you okay Mag?" He asked concerned, as I tried supporting myself on my crutches, which was made harder by the bandage around my shoulder.

 "I'm alive." I replied sourly, instantly regretting when I saw the look on his face,

 "I'm sorry Harry... I just..."

 "It's alright," he replied trying to smile,

 "You're going through a rough time. I understand."

 "But so are you. Skye may have been my good friend, but she was Lauren's closest cousin... Liam's girlfriend... They have more right to be upset than me."
 "Hey... You can be as upset as you want." Harry told me, with a serious look in his eyes.
 

I glanced around noticing the young girl, getting into a car.

 "Harry do you know who that girl is?" I asked nodding towards her and he looked for a minute before replying,

 "That is... Bea Pavelka. Skye's cousin from her father's side."

 So I was right in my assumption.

 "Pavelka?" I asked, wondering why she had a different surname.

 "Well that's her father's name," Harry replied and then pointed discreetly at Skye's aunt,

 "Alexa remarried a couple years ago but, according to Lauren, Bea hates her stepfather and naturally kept her birth father's surname. That's also why she was sitting in the back row."

 Well, that answered my second question.
 I stared at the car, as she drove away, wondering if I would ever see her again. Something told me I would, and I really hoped I was right.

 

 ***
 Liam's P.O.V.
 

It had been a month since Skye's funeral, and the days went by slower and slower. Not that I paid much attention to anything at all except counting every minute spent without Skye.

 Louis said it was unhealthy, Harry told him that I needed this time to mourn. Niall would try to cheer me up, staying home as much as possible, trying to convince me to play videogames or go out somewhere. Zayn would just come around to talk, about anything really just to keep me going.

 But I didn't want to listen to any of them or even spend that much time with them, because I held a resent towards them.

They all still had their girlfriends... and I was jealous! I was outraged by how unfair it was!

Apart from Harry and Lauren, Skye and I had the least amount of time physically together and just when it was about to get better it was ripped away from us. I didn't even get to see her one last time. Didn't get to kiss her or hold her.

 I didn't even get to say goodbye...

 At least Niall had the decency to not move Tally in, as they had originally planned all those months ago in Manchester. Instead, she was able to get her own flat back, begging for her old job again. Her boss had been short staffed, so it wasn't much of a problem.

 Mag had moved in with Harry and Louis while searching for her own place.

 She had tried speaking with me at the funeral but I had avoided her. Seeing her with her bruises and her broken leg reminded me of the crash. Reminded me that she was still alive, but Skye wasn't. Mag would heal, but Skye was gone forever.

 Besides, what could Mag possibly say that would make me feel any better?

 ***
 "Hey Liam, you home?" Niall called out as he walked through the front door.
 "Where else would I be?" I replied, not bothering to look at him, but continued flipping through the channels.

 I could figure out he had been with Tally without asking, and the last thing I wanted was to see that happy look on his face. He could try to disguise it, but I could see the happiness and the look in his eyes.

 "Have you eaten dinner?" Niall asked from the kitchen, probably noticing the lack of dishes.

 I didn't even realize it was past dinnertime; a look at the clock showed 8PM.

 "I guess I forgot."

 "To eat?" Niall asked, looking at me concerned,

 "Well the others are bringing food, you'll eat something!"

 "What others?"

 "Zayn, Harry, Louis... And Mag."

 My head flew up at the mention of her name,

 "Mag is coming here? Why?"

 "Well why wouldn't she? You've barely spoken to her since... well you know, and maybe it would help you to speak to someone who was there when it happened?"

 "How?" I started yelling,
 "How will that help me? To hear how it happened? To get the details? How on earth will it help me to see the one person who reminds me of what happened, more than anything? Did it occur to you - to any of you - that I haven't spoken to her because I don't want to? Because it hurts too much? That every single breath she takes reminds me that Skye already took her last? Did you ever stop to consider that maybe I can't even look at her, because every scar or bruise on her skin is another proof that Skye is never coming back?
Skye is dead! She's dead okay? And I don't need to be reminded!"

 I didn't wait for an answer but walked to my room, slamming the door and sinking to the ground, sitting against the door.

 I don't know how long I sat there, but I heard voices from the living room and decided to shut them out, putting in my headphones and playing my music on full volume.

***

Mag’s P.O.V.

Harry, Louis and I were on our way over to Liam and Niall, as a request from Niall. He was getting more and more worried about Liam, and he didn’t really know what to do anymore.

A couple weeks ago, we had all been sat at our place, and Zayn pulled me aside. He thought that it might be time that I told everyone else about the real reason that I came to London. About Chris. He had a feeling that maybe I was the one person who would be able to talk to Liam, be able to help him.

I wasn’t so sure, as everybody handles grief differently and I was the probably the last person Liam wanted to see or talk to at the moment. It was also a different situation as Chris’ 8-month coma gave me at least some time to realize that he might never wake up. Never the less, I told the other boys my story, well aware that I would have to tell them eventually.

They were all quite shocked and clearly had many questions but understood that I really didn’t want to talk deeply about it especially with the recent events. Louis had been a bit distant the next few days, not quite knowing had to take this new information. I think he was a bit hurt and confused that I had never told him this before but he came to terms with it.

All the boys had then agreed with Zayn, that I should at least try to talk with Liam, so I obliged but couldn’t promise that it would work at all.

***
“Where is he?” I asked, as soon as we all entered Niall and Liam’s apartment.

“His room of course,” Niall replied sadly,

“He hardly spends time anywhere else, except when I’m not home or when someone forces him out.”

“Alright… Just give me a while. I’ll go talk to him soon.”

I was in the living room with the boys, not paying much attention to their conversation. Instead, I was trying to figure out what to say to Liam. I tried to think about what I would have wanted to hear when I was in this situation, but nothing really came to mind.

Finally, I decided that I couldn’t focus on how to help him, as he was the only one who knew exactly what he needed. All I could do was tell him my story, so that he knew I understood how it was and knew that he could always come to me. Whether it would make a difference or not, I didn’t know but I had to at least try. I knew Skye would want him to be happy.

***
I knocked tentatively on Liam’s door and waited a minute but didn’t get a response. I tried again, but still nothing. Finally, after waiting another 5 minutes and knocking a couple times more, a rather tired looking Liam opened the door. The earbuds in his hand explained why he hadn’t heard me at first.

“Hey Liam.” I said softly, standing with my hands in my pockets not quite able to read his expression.

He looked upset and confused, as if he wasn’t sure why I was here.

“Um… Can I come in?” I asked, starting to have trouble balancing on my crutches.

Liam nodded and opened the door for me, and I immediately walked over to the bed sitting down and relaxing my leg.

Liam sat down next to me but still didn’t speak and we sat like that for a while until he spoke up,
“Does it hurt?”

At first I didn’t understand what he meant but then I noticed him looking at my leg and replied,

“A little bit. It mostly just itches under the cast, but it’s tolerable.” I was going to go on and say, “at least I’m alive” but quickly stopped myself. That would have been pretty unfortunate.

“Mag I don’t mean to be rude but… why are you here?” Liam asked, not looking at me but he didn’t sound angry, just sad.

I took a deep breath and steadied myself. It was never easy for me to tell the story but I had to for Liam’s sake. For Skye’s sake.

“Liam… There is something I want to tell you… I’m not sure if it will help you or anything, but I want to share it with you anyways.”

Liam continued not to look at me, but I could see him furrowing his eyebrows in confusion, and I continued,

“Well, I guess I should start with telling you that I… I got married when I was 19 years old.”

Liam quickly turned to me in shock, any other expression erased from his face.

“What? You… married?”

I had expected this kind of reaction, as it was the one I always got.

“Yeah… pretty young I know, but it seemed so right that there was no reason to wait. We had known each other for about a year and everything seemed to point in the right direction. Unfortunately we never found out if it would have lasted because on our two month anniversary… something terrible happened.”

I took a short break, as I could feel the tears pressing on but I was able to hold them back and go on with my story,

“Chris – my late husband – had been on his way home when a drunk driver speeded past a red light… smashing right into Chris’ car. He went into a coma for eight months, until his body just gave up. He was never going to wake up, and the machines… well, they stopped. His death was originally, what triggered me to come to London a couple months after his funeral.

I told Zayn about this before I decided to come with you guys because I had been feeling so guilty about moving on. It had been almost a year since they accident, but only three months since he really passed away, and I felt that I should still be mourning. Until I realized, that I only moved on because I was ready and that if I didn’t take a chance at that moment, I might go my whole life worried that it was too soon. Your speech at Skye’s funeral made me think of that again, because it was so spot on.”

I stopped speaking to give Liam a chance to take in all this new information. He looked shocked – nothing more, nothing less. He was staring at the floor with wide eyes, hands on his lap and I couldn’t even imagine what he was thinking.

“I know this is a lot to take in Liam… but I wanted to tell to you because… well, now you know that even though I don’t know exactly how you feel, I know how it is to lose a loved one. Someone who you might have been considering spending your whole life with – except with Chris and I, it was past considering. I just want you to know this. I want you to know that you’re not alone, no matter how pathetic and cliché it may sound.”

“How did you get through it?” Liam finally asked after what seemed like forever.

“The first months I was absolutely miserable, and had no idea how to cope with anything. I had been planning on going to the university before the accident, but I dropped all plans of that when everything happened. I was able to maintain my job just enough to pay rent. I was existing, but barely living.

That’s when I decided I needed a change. I needed to get away from that place and when I came to London, and met you guys. It was just what I needed. You guys helped me move on and get through it. You reminded me that life goes on, simply by just living your life.”

I paused for a second looking at the door, and imagining my boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend sitting out there.

“And Zayn reminded me that it is possible to love again. I know how you feel about that right now. Well, I know how I felt before I met Zayn. That your one true love had left you and there was no way you could ever love someone the same way. That it would be a major betrayal to even think about another person, let alone fall in love again.

I was scared when I fell in love with Zayn, even though I didn’t know it at the time. I was scared of letting go, because it would be like letting go of all the time Chris and I had spent together. But I had to let go… because he was gone. I was also scared of loving again, because when you lose someone you love, you never want to experience that again.

But life has to go on, you have to move on at some point… let go of everything and not be afraid to live and love again… and most importantly not shut people out, because those people in your life – the living ones - are the only ones who will keep you alive. “

Liam finally looked at me – really looked – and I saw the pain flash through his eyes. I knew I reminded him of Skye right now, but I knew that he had realized he would have to face me eventually. I guess you could say I was symbolic at the moment. Facing me would mean facing everything that had happened, and was the first step of acknowledging that life has to go on.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” He said sadly,
“Skye was my girlfriend but you… well you lost someone even more important.”

“You can’t measure love Liam.” I told him with a serious expression,
“Just because she was your girlfriend, and I was married doesn’t mean that you loved her any less, or that you don’t have the right to be every bit of upset as I was.”

“I guess you’re right about that.” He replied, looking at the door.

We could hear the others talking in the living room, and I could see the look in Liam’s eyes. Regret and longing.

Regret because he had been distancing himself from them. Longing because he wished he could be like them right now – carefree and happy.

“Liam,” I moved next to him and urged him to look at me,
“You’re the only one responsible for your happiness. All we can do is offer our help, but it’s up to me how or if you want to accept it.”

I stood up with the help from my crutches and held out my hand to him,

“I understand if you’re not ready to face everything yet and start to go on with your normal life… but you don’t have to die as well.”

I knew it was dangerous to add the last part, but he couldn’t get any worse, and I had to be truthful with him, even if it required being a bit harsh.

He stared at my hand for a minute, his mind definitely on turbo, before he finally took it pulling himself up, and then helped support me to the door.

“Thanks Mag.” He said simply, and smiled at me.

It was a small smile, but it was his first one in over a month, and I knew he would get over this.

Join MovellasFind out what all the buzz is about. Join now to start sharing your creativity and passion
Loading ...