Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

*WARNING*
A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters

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41. 'Thoughts'

A/N

Hello my lovelies :)

early update!! yaay, cus kinda short chapter but I was really on a role and this is just a really "thinky" chap, but I quite like it :) and yh, you won't be getting any closer to what's gonna happen with Louis/Mag/Zayn just yet.. but it's coming :D

Pleeeease remember to comment, I really enjoy reading them :D love ya all

Enjoy, xoxo M. ;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 35

“Thoughts”

 

Maggie's P.O.V.

Louis was holding me tight, as I sat on the floor crying. Suddenly I heard a familiar voice,

"I'll take it from here Lou."

"No!" I yelled without even looking at him, "I don't wanna talk to you right now... I don't even wanna look at you!"

I felt his presence for a couple minutes, until he walked off to the exit, slamming the door after him.

 

Louis and I sat with our backs against the wall, his arm around me, my head on his shoulder as the tears streamed silently down my face.

"Love sucks." He said suddenly, and I nodded slowly,

"Tell me about it."

We sat in silence for a couple minutes, until the rest of the gang came walking towards the exit.

"Um... We're all heading out to the bus..." Harry said, drifting off, looking at us with a worried expression.

"I think we'll stay here for a while." Louis replied looking at the floor, causing Liam to look at us concerned,

'Here? Like just sitting there on the floor..." He drifted off, as we both gave him a look, "alright, fine. Just don't be too late. We're leaving around noon tomorrow."

Louis simply nodded in reply, and they walked out leaving us there.

 

"I just don't get it. Why didn't he tell her about us?" I asked shaking my head, when I had finally stopped crying.

"No idea. Why don't you ask him?" Louis replied, and I sighed as I stared into space feeling empty.

"Because he doesn't know himself. I would only talk to him to get an explanation, and if he can't give me one, why should I bother? So I can listen to him say sorry over and over again? Yeah, no thanks."

Louis didn't say anything but just rubbed my shoulder.

"How are you doing Lou?" I asked, wanting to change the subject, and I felt him tense up beside me.

"To be honest Mag, if we weren't on tour, which always boosts my mood, and if we didn't have those incredible fans to cheer us up... I would probably be popping pills just to get out of bed in the morning."

"That bad huh?" I said, feeling sorry for him. No one deserved to feel like this.

"I guess this band, and everything that comes with it, is my drug. My prozac."

I usually would have laughed at a statement like that, but I knew that he was actually being completely serious.

 

"You wanna know exactly how fucked up I am?" Louis asked, but it was a rethorical question so I didn't answer and he went on,

"I broke Harry's heart right? If he had broken my heart as revenge, I probably could have dealt with it, cause I would know it wasn't real. But he broke my heart unknowingly, because he fell in love, and that hurts. People would say that if I really loved him, I would want him to be happy, and I do. But, selfish as I am, I only want him to be happy with me. Pretty fucked up huh?"

"No, it's not Lou." I said turning to look at him,

"You know there are different kinds of love. There's the plain love. It's true and wonderful and what most people have, and it makes you just want to see the other person happy, even if it's not with you.

But then there's the crazy love. The love that is also true but it makes you think crazy and do crazy things. It's the type of love that is commonly known as unhappy love, and it fills your whole body with this craving, this indescribable feeling, and it's the type of love that makes you want that person so incredibly much that you want them to be yours. You don't only want it, you need it so bad, that the mere thought of them being with someone else, can't possibly make you anything but depressed.

That's how you feel about Harry, and I wouldn't call it fucked up. It's just love."

 

"Well, I've never met anyone who felt this way." Louis simply replied, and I managed to pull a half smirk.

"Maybe not, but you've seen it."

He looked at me with a confused expression, so I explained,

"Twilight. Remember Edward said in 'Eclipse' that if Bella chose Jacob, he wouldn't kill him, because he could never hurt Bella if she loved someone else. Basically, he just wanted her to be happy. Plain love.

Jacob, on the other hand, never stopped trying to change Bella's mind, until Renesmee of course, even though he knew she was happy with Edward. I don't care that he thought Edward was bad for her and all that. The main point is that, he wanted her so much, that he hated the thought of her being with someone else, no matter how happy she was. Crazy love."

Louis looked at me with wide eyes and then chuckled,

"Of course you had an example from Twilight... I should have known."

"Well... It's funny because when you guys began in 2010, and I was totally caught up, I told my sister and she said 'so they're your new Twilight or what?' Those books and films were my first true obsession!"

 

I was surprised when Louis suddenly laughed, and after a minute I couldn't help but laugh myself.

I was relieved that we were now sitting and laughing, in stead of sitting and crying.

This was what I had missed with him. Just the two of us sitting and talking, being able to understand each others strange thoughts and laughing at something stupid. No one but my best friend would be able to cheer me up from the state I was in.

 

"You're such a great girl!" Louis said smiling brightly at me, and I smiled back,

"You're a pretty incredible guy yourself!"

 

I knew the cheerfulness couldn't last forever, and when Louis asked if we should go on the bus, I felt my mood sink.

 

I wanted to be able to forgive Zayn and go on with our relationship, but it was so hard.

It's not like he cheated on me, but I always thought it was stupid that people considered cheating as the only "deal-breaker".

He told the world about us, but he couldn't manage to tell one single girl. A girl who, according to Niall, had feelings for him. A girl who he probably had had a crush on. A girl, who he called the same thing that he called me.

How could I just let that go?

If I only knew why he did it, but he didn't even have a reason.

The only reason I could come up with was that his subconciousness had acted on it, because deep down he wasn't sure about us, but did that mean that his feelings weren't genuine, or was he afraid that my feelings weren't?

But if it was his subconciousness, could I really blame him?

And even if we did split up, what would happen? How would it effect our lives?

 

My head started to spin with all the questions and thoughts, so I shook it off and looked to the boy beside me,

"Louis... I've been thinking..."

 

***

Louis' P.O.V.

Mag, Niall and Tally had all gone to sleep in their bunks, so I went upstairs to the other boys.

I had to tell them this, I couldn't just let it happen!

I went up the stairs and found Harry and Liam scolding Zayn in hushed voices.

"... can't even imagine what you we're thinking!" Liam said as they noticed me.

"Louis, finally!" Liam said relieved and they all looked at me expectantly.

"Harry, Liam we need to talk!" I said seriously and Zayn glared at me before angrily getting up and going downstairs.

 

We settled on the couches and I wasn't quite sure where to start.

 

"So how is she?" Harry finally asked, and I still wasn't able to look at him and his green eyes so I focused on Liam instead,

"I'm not gonna lie to you guys, it's pretty bad..." I drifted off and took a deep breath before going on,

"Guys... She said she should go home."

The boys widened their eyes and Harry jumped up from his seat,

"Home? What do you mean home, why?" He asked in a loud voice and Liam instantly hushed him.

"Well, we talked for a while, and then she went silent... Suddenly she said that if her and Zayn break up, then she doesn't see why she should be on the tour with us." I explained, and Liam shook his head,

"That's ridiculous! When Zayn asked her to go with us, they weren't even together, and we all wanted her to go along. It wasn't even his suggestion from the start."

"It wasn't?" Harry asked, and I had totally forgotten about that.

"No, actually only a couple days after we met her, Louis was telling me how great it would be if she came along." Liam said, and I didn't have to look at the curlyhaired boy to know that he was staring at me.

"Oh..." He said simply, and that one tiny word could mean so much.

Stop it Louis, that's not important now!

"Look guys, my point is that we have to convince her that we all want her on tour, and her relationship with Zayn has nothing to do with her going along. She'll probably use the 'awkward' excuse too, so we have to make sure that Zayn keeps it together. I'm sure he will want her along, no matter what."

The boys kept looking at me, so I figured,they had understood so far and I went on with my plan,

 

"Anyways... Liam you're the best to talk to when it comes to things like this, but you're the least close to Mag. Harry you're her big brother, and I know she always brings her problems to you, and you're a great listener but you lack a bit in the convincing skills," it was weird adressing Harry without looking at him, but I ignored it and went on, "now I'm her best friend, and I probably understand her the most and get how she feels and at the moment I think she trusts me the most, because she knows you guys are thinking alot about your girlfriends.

So as you can see we all have advantages and disadvantages, but if we put our heads together, we can definitely convince her to stay!"

I was pretty proud of my plan, and I was sure we could get this to work.

"Okay, well we have to get this under control tonight and then you can talk to her on our way to the next city tomorrow." Liam said and I nodded thinking hard, when Harry suddenly piped up,

"But Louis... Is she really going to break up with him? Like for good?"

I felt the two boys staring at me as I looked at the floor.

"I'm not sure... But we need to have the plan ready if she does!"

 

I could sense Harry looking at me, but I didn't dare to look up at him, as I knew he had one thing on his mind.

Would I make a move on Mag if they did break up?

I didn't even know the answer to that question and what did he care anyways?

Even if he did care, he was probably just looking out for Mag. Larry was a has-been, and that would never change.

Problem was that my feelings wouldn't change either. Maybe I should become one of those guys who dates a lot of girls to get over the love of my life... but no, that just wasn't me.

 

I had to find one person, someone special. Someone who could make me feel like Harry had, who made my heart flutter just by the look in her face or the sound of her laugh or the smile on her face. Someone who could also be my best friend, just like it had been with Harry.

The only alternative to getting over someone, was replacing them with someone better. Harry replaced me with Lauren, so I would replace him with someone too.

 

Harry's P.O.V.

I stared intensely at Louis, trying to read his mind, but it was impossible to see how he felt about this whole situation.

If Mag really did break up with Zayn, it was the perfect oppurtunity for him, but I didn't even know if he still had feelings for Mag.

 

Of course I didn't want anyone to get hurt, but just yesterday I was hoping Louis would find someone, so he could leave me alone. However, if it meant Zayn getting his heart broken once again, I wasn't sure if it was worth it.

It was really stupid of the Bradford boy to do what he did, but him and Mag had been through so many things, it was hard to believe that they couldn't work things out.

On the other hand, this could be the last straw for Mag, but if they did split up, she didn't have to go home.

We were so used to having her around, it would be weird without her.

I would lose the little sister, I had always wanted, and a great friend.

Louis would lose his best friend, and partner in crime.

Niall would lose his personal chef, as Mag was the only one who obliged to cook for him at all hours of the day.

Liam would lose a really good friend, and assistant, as all of us started going to her with our problems and not only Liam.

And Zayn... well Zayn would lose her in some way no matter what, but I didn't know if it would be better or worse that she stayed around after the break-up.

 

Besides Zayn, if she went home, I knew Louis would be the most affected.

Even if he didn't have those type of feelings for her, they had such a special friendship. Kind of like what Louis and I had. A special connection, as if they had known each other for years, and no matter how Louis acted I knew he wasn't fine, and Mag leaving would probably put him in a very dark place.

No it was out of the question that she left.

Liam was busy giving Louis tips on how to convince her so I decided to call Lauren. I missed her so much, it was unbelievable.

 

"Hello?" Lauren answered the phone in a sleepy voice that made my whole body feel like pudding.

"Hey baby."

"Harry? It's like 1PM? Is something wrong?" She asked in a concerned voice, and I could just imagine her sitting up in her bed furrowing her eyebrows.

"No... Well yeah, but I also just wanted to hear your voice."

"Aw love... I really miss you."

"Me too... I can't believe it's only been like two days. How will I survive several months?" I said sighing deeply.

"Well, you're going to London for Liam's birthday in a few weeks right? Before you leave for the rest of Europe?"

Wow, she was right! How could I forget that?

"Oh yeah, and you'll be coming there too, I can't wait!" I said a lot more cheerful than a minute ago.

"Me neither... So what's going on?"

I took a deep breath and told her everything about Zayn, Zoe and Mag and that Mag wanted to go home.

 

"Hmm... That is quite a pickle." Lauren said, and I responded with a simple "yeah", waiting for one of her advices.

"To be honest Harry, I don't think Mag actually wants to go home. I think finding out about Zayn and Zoe launched her into those bad thoughts again. Feelings of unadequacy, not being good enough and not deserving anything. That is what you have to focus on when talking to her."

"Wow, you really think she's feeling that again? We were gonna convince her that we all wanted her here, but this is a new approach." I said, hoping Mag wasn't too deep, where she couldn't be saved.

"If she does break up with him, I think that knowing you all want her there, would be a good opening but that's only a fracture of what she needs to hear. It would be a big help, if she talks to someone who understands how she feels. Only someone whose been through the same things, would know what to say."

My girlfriend really was clever. And smart, funny, beautiful, sweet and brilliant.

"I think I know just the person." I replied looking over at the feathery-haired blue-eyed boy. It was time for Louis to stop the "I'm fine" act.

"Listen honey, I love talking to you, but I'm falling asleep here." Lauren said suddenly bringing me back to the phone in my hand.

"Oh sorry darling. It was great talking to you, thanks for the advice... Call you tomorrow okay?"

"Right. Goodnight Harry."

"Goodnight my love." I said and hung up the phone, walking back to the two boys.

 

I told them what Lauren had told me, and then settled me eyes on Louis, who avoided my gaze.

"Louis... We know who would be the best to handle this." Liam said looking him the eyes and it was like they shared a secret.

Louis simply nodded, and then got up.

"I'll talk to her tomorrow." He said, and then went downstairs.

 

"Listen, I know Louis is acting like he's doing great, but I can see that you're not buying it either. Do you know something?" I asked Liam in a low voice, sitting down next to him.

"I can only tell you one thing Harry. If Lauren is right about Mag, then Louis is the perfect person to talk to her."

And with that, he left too, leaving me alone in the couches.

What could he possibly mean "only tell me one thing"?

Maybe he did in fact know something, but wasn't allowed to tell me.

Damn all these bloody secrets!

 

* * *

Zayn's P.O.V.

Damn it!

Why did I have to be so stupid? I should never have let this go so far!

She didn't even want to talk to me or look at me! I couldn't blame her, but why did it have to be Louis that talked to her?

Of all people!

And now he was talking to Liam and Harry about their conversation and I wasn't allowed to hear it?

I was still her boyfriend! We hadn't split up yet.

Yet.

Oh God, what if she actually did break up with me?

No... She wouldn't... Would she?

 

If only, I could give her some sort of explanation, but I had no idea what to say. Everytime I talked to Zoe, a little voice sad "tell her about Mag", but I just didn't. Why?

I mean, I loved Mag more than anything, it's not like I had feelings for Zoe.

Maybe I just thought it was unecessary, because she probably already knew, and in her head we were only friends, so there was no need to say it.

Yes that was a good explanation, I should tell that to Mag.

But what if she broke up with me anyway?

I couldn't go on without her by my side. She was the one for me, my destiny, my future wife. Yes, I had honestly thought about marriage a couple times, even though I had only known her for three months. It was crazy I know, but everything with her just felt so right, and imagining my life without her just made no sense.

I buried my head in my pillow, wanting to scream out loud.

I didn't even want to cry, because crying would make it all more real.

 

I loved her so much, that there wasn't enough words to describe how I felt. She was everything. I had waited my whole life for her, and something like what we had, and I couldn't just let it all slip through my hands like sand on a beach.

I felt like every part inside of me was breaking apart into tiny pieces.

No, she couldn't break up with me, I wouldn't let that happen. I had to think of a master plan, that couldn't fail and I didn't have much time.

I would make sure she never left me!

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