Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

*WARNING*
A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters

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39. 'Secrets'

A/N

Hello Lovely People!!

I keep telling myself, not to make these authour's notes at EVERY chap, but idk, I guess I always have something to say (irl I also talk A L O T!)

I just wanna dedicate a moment to.. 1DDAY, which was OMG KLJSIFH!! YH, I just can't get over it, so I won't talk more abt that, aand MIDNIGHT MEMORIES WOOHOO, it's really more than perfect, can't believe how much the boys have grown, and I have like tons of faves, but ESPECIALLY You & I, Happily, Right Now, Little Black Dress, Through The Dark aand Midnight Memories (Harry's scream omg)! so yh, just putting it out there ;)

Anyways, some stuff in this chap is.. yeah idk, I was thinking hard and long about it, so I just decided to go with it, so PLEASE let me know what you think!! (you'll know which part I mean, when U read)

also, I don't know how long this chap it, so I hope its length is to your liking :D

anyways, yeah comment pleeeease!! and like and fave (if you haven't already (; )

Enjoy, xoxo M. ;)

 

 

 

 

Chapter 33

'Secrets'

Maggie's P.O.V.

After Louis had finished crying, I went to see what Zayn was up to, since I couldn't hear his voice from the guestroom anymore, so I figured he was done on the phone.
I opened the door, but didn't see Zayn.
"Babe?" I said quietly, but then heard a mumbling from the bathroom.
Why was he talking in there?
I was deciding whether to leave the room, or go knock on the door, but instead, and I don't know why, I found myself leaning against the door, eavesdropping on his conversation.

"...yeah, I really miss you too, I wish we'd be in Bradford more than two days."
Well, that could be his mom he was talking to.
"I know, it has been way too long..."
Hmm... That was kind of weird to say to your mom. Or maybe I was just being paranoid?
"I'll figure something out babe, we'll get to see each other."
Okay, definitely not his mother, what was going on?
"Yeah, I gotta go okay... See you soon babe... Bye."
Shit!
 

I positioned myself to look like I was about to knock just as he opened the door, and stumbled backwards, clutching his chest,
"Oh my God, babe you scared me!" He said, and hearing him call me that, just after saying it to God-knows-who made me very upset, but I tried to seem as nonchalant as possible.
"I was just coming to find you, did you have a good talk with your mom?" I asked, knowing that his answer to this question would mean a lot.
"Yeah great, looking forward to you meeting her!" He replied with a smile, placing his arm around my shoulder, walking into the livingroom, and my heart sank.
I knew he wasn't talking to his mom, and the fact that he didn't tell me, who he was talking to, meant that he was talking to someone, who he shouldn't have been.
What, or who, was he hiding from me?

* * *
Harry's P.O.V.
 

I wasn't ready for this. Lauren and I had just started our relationship, and now I had to leave her. I knew I had said, it wouldn't be that hard, but now here I was. About to leave, and I just couldn't bear it. Even though we could skype, I wouldn't be able to kiss those pretty lips or play with those wonderful bouncy curls, or look deeply into those mesmerizing dark brown eyes.
And, even worse, I had to deal with that little prick Louis. Yes, he was smaller than me, and I would call him little, if it gave me satisfaction. I just hoped that, after "Taken" he would have gotten the point, and not try anything again. Besides being bandmates, that was all we were for now. I wouldn't call us friends right now, it's not like we were downright mad at each other (well I was, but didn't show it), we were just kind of ignoring each other, when we could, so it didn't cause any drama.
It would just be a little harder to ignore him on the tour bus for hours on end.

"Come on Tally! Get your cute little self out here!" Niall called out as Tally came bouncing out the door, dressed in denimshorts, an oversized grey tee and pink Keds.
The tourbus would be leaving from the hotel, to not draw attention to where Lauren lived, and one of the crew had already taken all our luggage there. Now we were all standing outside saying goodbyes to Skye and Lauren, before going to the bus ourselves.

I was just admiring Lauren in her red jumper, graphicprint jeans and colorful scarf as she said goodbye to everyone saving me for last.
Finally I was face to face with her.
"I'm really going to miss you, Harry." She said in her sweet voice, entwining our fingers.
"Me too love, me too." I said, suddenly lost for words as my eyes started to glaze over.
This was ridiculous. I shouldn't be crying over my girlfriend, I had only known for a month.
Wow, had it only been a month?
It seemed like so long, here in Manchester, and so many things had happened and changed.
Louis and myself being kidnapped for 24 hours, Louis at the hospital, Mag and Zayn on a break, Mag and Zayn back together, Louis ending things, being miserable, Tally and Niall, finding happiness in Lauren, Perrie drama, Skye and Liam. It was crazy really.
"It's so unfair that thousands of other girls will get to see you!" Lauren said pouting and I gave her a sweet smile.
"But there's only one girl who I'll be calling every day, who I think about in the morning, and who I think about when I fall asleep."
"That sounded like three girls?" Lauren said smiling, and I shook my head laughing before pulling her closer and connecting our lips, slowly at first, but then getting completely lost in the feeling of her lips against mine.
I lost all knowledge of time and space, as our lips were locked together, and I wanted time to stand still. It was such a cliché, but turns out clichés are what they are, for a reason.

I was brutally pulled back to reality by Zayn exclaiming,
"Niall and Tally, control yourselves!"
I looked towards the Irish couple who had just pulled their faces off each other.
"Well they were doing it!" Tally defended herself, pointing towards me and Lauren and Liam and Skye who were still kissing.
Well, well, that was definitely new.
"Didn't know you had it in you Payno!" Niall said grinning when Liam pulled away, blushing.
"Yeah well Harry and Liam aren't seeing their girlfriends for a long time! You are coming with us!" Zayn said to Tally, and I raised my eyebrow at Liam.
"Girlfriend?" I questioned, but he and Skye just looked at each other smiling, then shrugged and went back to kissing.
I guess they were a real couple now too. If it was so easy for the rest of us, why couldn't Louis also suck it up and find a girlfriend? Or boyfriend, whatever.
Finally we were all rushed into the van and Liam reluctantly let go of Skye to climb into the van.
"I guess, I'll call you later?" I said still holding Lauren's hand.
"Yeah... Goodbye baby!" Lauren said, with a small smile.
"Goodbye love." I finally said, before letting to, and getting into the van, my eyes never leaving her.
Right before we pulled out, Skye ran up to the passenger window, giving Liam a peck on the lips, and then off we were.
We all waved at the two girls, and my eyes were glued to the window until Lauren was just a little dot, and the van turned making her completely disappear.
I missed her already.

Louis' P.O.V.
"Wow!" Tally exclaimed, as she stepped into the tour bus for the first time, and we all smiled knowingly.
"Let me show you the upperdeck!" Niall said, grabbing her hand and leading her upstairs, where we heard her squeal.
"I guess she saw the entertainment station!" Zayn said, referring to the back wall taken up by a large flatscreen, play station, sound system and comfy couches.
We all grinned and went upstairs, where Tally and Niall were already starting a game of FIFA.

"We should be in Bradford by 9PM." Zayn said, joining the rest of us, after talking to our driver.
"Are you excited babe?" He asked Mag, who would finally be meeting his family, and she nodded nervously, fidgeting with her hands.
"Am I dressed right?" She asked for the umpteenth time looking at her dark purple jeans and dark blue plaid shirt.
"I told you, you look great, and they won't judge you on how you're dressed!" Zayn assured her, but she didn't seem any less nervous.
"I'm gonna take a nap." I said, heading for my bunk, and was so caught up in my thoughts that I bumped into Harry, and fell right on my large bum.
"Sorry, I didn't see you there." He said pulling me up.
"Are you making a joke about my height Curly?" I asked, smirking making him chuckle,
"Perhaps." Was his simple reply, as he went to join the others, and I found a comfortable position in my topbunk.

How did it end up like this? Harry and I had been the closest in the band, even without the love stuff, and now we were the opposite. We barely even talked together anymore.
I guess that's why they say you shouldn't fall in love with your best friend. If you ever break up, your friendship will never be the same again.
Thing is, breaking up was never suppossed to be part of the plan. The plan had been to keep it on the low, and eventually when we had a little more freedom, we could come out, wait for gay marriage to be legalized in the UK, and then grow old together, and have curlyhaired kids.
Well, technically we would have to adopt, so there was no saying, they would have curly hair, unless we used like a surrogat, with Harry has the donor or something...
Why was I even thinking about this?
Harry was with someone, and I was out of the picture. Even if we got back together, I couldn't be sure if we would ever get married, after what I found out in Manchester. I didn't even know when, or how, to tell the boys. My family didn't even know yet.
I buried my head in the pillow shutting off all other sounds, letting my dark thoughts consume me.

After a minute, I felt sick and rushed off to the bathroom.
I stood over the sink, taking deep breaths and splashed some water on my face.
Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I didn't like what I saw.
Dark bags under my eyes, skin getting sickly pale, and a dullness in my usually shining blue eyes. I ran my hand over my face, realizing I should probably shave.
As I took out my shaving kit, I looked at the razor for a while, contemplating.
Such a little thing could do so much damage. I wondered how many girls, in this moment, stood in their bathrooms razor in hand, thinking that they weren't pretty enough, skinny enough or just good enough.
I wished, I could tell them all one by one, that they were perfect, or that they found someone who would.
I, on the other hand, didn't have anyone at the moment.
I just caused complications. It was my fault that we had to delay the tour for so long. It was my fault that Mag didn't get back together with Zayn right away. It was me who had caused so much pain and hurt to Harry.
I was the one who wasn't good enough, not those thousands of girls.
I was the one who deserved to be hurting, not them.
Without even thinking I worked my fingers on the razor, I before I knew it, I was holding only the thin sharp blade in my hand. How did you even do this?
This was stupid!
I wasn't seriously considering... Cutting myself was I?
Wasn't it only girls who did that?
I was a man, a grown man... A man in love with another man.
I couldn't cut myself anyways, I never wore long sleeves on stage.
"Your legs", a little voice in my said, and I tried to ignore it.
Why did someone cut theirself?
I always thought it was because, they hurt so much that any physical pain was bettee than the emotional pain. And that was kind of how I felt right now.
To cut or not to cut... THAT was the question...

* * *
Maggie's P.O.V.

We arrived in Bradford, a little after 9PM, and were now sitting in the van on the way to Zayn's mom's house, which he had bought for her.
I was getting more and more nervous by the second, constantly curling my hair around my finger, until a warm hand stopped me.
"Babe... If you continue that, your hair will be as curly as Lauren's." Zayn said, and I smiled half-heartedly.
"What if they hate me?" I questioned, and Zayn just shook his head,
"Of course they won't! You're lovely, and I'm sure they will love you as much as I do."
But then why are you hiding things from me?
I didn't ask that out loud, even though I was dying to know, who he had been talking to on the phone earlier.
Finally we pulled up to the house, and I took a deep breath, before we all got out of the car.
First, it was going to be me and Zayn, but then all the boys wanted to come along, and Niall wanted as many people as possible, to meet Tally.

We walked up to the door, Zayn squeezing my hand tightly the whole time, and finally he rang the doorbell.
We heard light footsteps come closer and closer until the door opened, revealing a miniature female Zayn, better known as Waliyha Malik.
She let out a squeel, and Zayn pulled her into a tight hug.
"Mam, it's your popstar son!" She called out in an accent identical to Zayn, and looked towards me and the others smiling before she added,
"And his popstar gang!"
Zayn ruffled her hair, before she focused on me again,
"You must be Mag! We've been dying to meet you, Zayn talks about you all the time!" She exclaimed giving me a hug as well.
"I've been looking forward to meet you to!" I replied, with a genuine smile.
About a minute later a small girl, who must have been Safaa, ran up to Zayn who lifted her high up in the air, causing her to squeal delightedly, and right after, a woman her I easily recognized appeared.
Zayn's mother, Trisha Malik.
"Come here love!" She said happily, pulling Zayn into a long embrace, before turning to me,
"And this is Mag?" She said smiling, and I nodded slightly,
"Very nice to meet you Mrs. Malik!"
"Call me Trisha dear, you're family now!" She said, in a thick Bradford accent, with a warm smile and giving me a hug.
"Well come in, what are you doing on the doorstep?" She said with a chuckle, and we all entered the cozy house.
"Waliyha and Safaa, go get some snacks! The rest of you rowdy boys, and girls come and make yourselves at home!"

We all followed Mrs. Ma... I mean Trisha, into the living room setting into the couches.
"Oh yeah, this is my girlfriend Tally!" Niall said putting his arm around the smiling girl.
"Nice to meet you dear, I've wondered when this little rascal would find someone. Zayn says you're quite a bully... I believe you once put glue in his hair?" Trisha said, and Tally instantly turned red.
"I... Well..." She started, but Trisha just laughed,
"Don't worry, it's fine. Zayn could do with a bully once in a while."
Zayn looked at her in shock,
"You're suppossed to be on my side!"
Waliyha and Safaa came in with cans of soda, bags of chips and candy, and we all threw ourselves at them, only have eaten sandwiches for dinner.

* * *
At 11PM, we had finished all the snacks, Safaa had been put to bed, we had all catched up and gotten to know each other, and the others head back to the bus, while Trisha invited Zayn and I to spend the night.
"Mag, you can take Zayn's room love, Zayn you'll sleep down here." Trisha said, and Zayn sighed,
"Mam seriously! We're both adults!"
"Maybe, but you're under my roof, even if you did pay for it!" Trisha replied jokingly, and Zayn rolled his eyes.
"Waliyha show Mag her room, then come back down, and we can have a cozy evening." Trisha said with a smila, and Waliyha bounced up the stairs, to show me the room, reserved for Zayn when he visited.
She opened the door to what looked like a 8-year old's room, and I wondered whose idea it was to decorate the room, like what I imagined Zayn's childhood bedroom must have looked like.
Powerrangers, action figures, a kid's microphone, posters of different cartoon characters, and lots of drawings covered the walls.
"Safaa uses this as a playroom sometimes." Waliyha explained, and it made a little more sense, why there were also barbie dolls.
I walked around and then studied the numerous frames of pictures from Zayn's childhood.
I picked up one in particular, where Zayn stood behind, who I assumed to be Waliyha with a pink shirt and piggytails, smiles on their faces.
I couldn't help but smile at the picture, and Waliyha noticed walking up to me.
"That's one of my mam's favorite pictures." She said, smiling and then left me to get settled.
I had only taken a small bag with me, and changed into sweats and a hoodie, before loosening my hair, running a brush through it, and then brushing my teeth, before heading back downstairs.

I entered the livingroom where Zayn, Trisha and Waliyha were looking through a big photoalbum.
"Hey babe, come join us!" Zayn said patting the couch next to home.
We spent hours looking at old pictures, hearing funny and embarrassing stories of Zayn, and I forgot all about the phone call as we went through the story of his life.

* * *
Zayn's P.O.V.

I woke up to the sound of Mag's laughter, and what a wonderful way to wake up.
I got out of bed following the sound to the kitchen, where my mam and Mag sat with a cup of tea, Waliyha and Safaa eating cereal.
"Good morning, all my favorite girls in one room!" I said, giving kisses all the way around.
"We were just telling Mag about your "Bradford bad boy" phase, Waliyha said, grinning and I groaned.
"Well could you not? I didn't bring her here, to discover every single embarressing part of my life!" I said, half-joking, half-scolding.
I fixed myself a bowl of Wheetabix, and took a look at the clock.
11AM.
"We should probably leave soon babe, we're meeting with the boys at 12, so we have some chill time together, before we have to be at the venue for soundcheck at 4." I announced, at Mag just nodded, while continuing to chat with my mam.
They seemed to get along really well, and I couldn't have been happier.
After breakfast, I went to shower, and checked my phone. Two texts from the same person.

Received at 9.30
"G'morning sunshine, lovely to wake up knowing you're in the same city as me :) x"

Received at 10.15
"When can I see you babe? xx"

I sighed deeply, before tapping out a quick reply,

"Soon babe, call u later! X"

***
"Listen to that crowd!" Niall exclaimed excitedly, a few minutes before we had to go on stage, and he was right.
No matter how many concerts we played, I was amazed every time. We weren't even on stage yet, and they were already going crazy. It was the best feeling in the world.

"Where's my potato?" Niall asked looking around, and Liam replied casually,
"In the dressing room, giving Harry twerking lessons."
Right, cause that was the most normal thing in the world.
"Are you serious?" Niall asked with wide eyes, and Liam just nodded checking out his hair.
"Why didn't they tell me?" Niall exclaimed, slightly offended and ran in the opposite direction of the stage, and crashed right into Harry who was running towards the stage. This made Tally, who was right behind Harry to trip over the two boys on the floor, and of course to top it all off Louis landed on top of the pile.
I couldn't help but laugh at the sight of the tangled bodies all trying to get up at the same time, failing hard.
"Come on guys, quit fooling around!" Liam said sternly, as if they had done this in purpose, and then winked at me smirking, instead of helping them up.
"He-elp! Can't. Breathe. Can't. Sing!" Niall squeaked, and Liam, Mag and I finally helped them up. We had to be on stage soon.
"Where have you been Louis? You weren't twerking with the others?" Liam asked, and Louis looked a little nervous.
"No, I was just - uh - practising alone in the bathroom."
To be honest, considering it was Louis, he could actually be telling the truth.
I turned to Mag, before we had to go on stage, and gave a quick, but tight, hug,
"Love you babe! See you after the show!"
"Yeah, break a leg!" She replied with a smile.
"Knowing his dancing skills, that could very well happen!" Harry replied with a smirk, and I glared evilly at him.
"Ooh someone's feeling cocky, just cause Tally's given you twerking lessons!" I fired back, but before he could reply, we were all rushed to the stage.
I gave Mag a quick smile and wink, before following the boys on stage, and the crowd went wild!
I looked out at the faces smiling, until I spotted a certain face, smiling widely back at me, and I froze.
Shit, she didn't tell me, she was coming to the concert!
I was in trouble now!

 

 

uh-oh, what is Zayn up to??

 

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