Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters


80. 'Midnight Kisses'


Hey Guys.. Whoa, I AM TRULY SORRY for taking so long to update, but I just wanna get right to the chapter, but if you like, there will be a sort of explanation AFTER the chap, as to why it's taking so long to write a simple chapter so you can read that if you like, or not..

THANK YOU for sticking with me on this though, it really does mean a lot! Love you Guys..


Enjoy, xoxo. M. :)



Chapter 69
 "Midnight Kisses"


Louis' P.O.V.

 I could hardly take it anymore. This whole Zayn and Mag thing was starting to freak me out, and although I was trying to keep it cool, I didn't know how much longer I could stand. I guess the reason, I hadn't blown up yet, was that neither of them had mentioned it or acted weirdly, so I figured that it might not be a big deal. If something was going on, Mag would surely tell me about it, but it hadn't come up at all.

 "Louis, I need to talk to you."
 Well... I had spoken too soon.


 "What's on your mind?" I asked, as she sat down on the bed in her old room, also known as the guestroom.

 "Look, I'm just going to get right to the point, seeing as we have a huge party coming up in a few hours and time is short so... Skye told me that you saw Zayn and I kissing."

 I nodded and stayed silent seeing as I would probably lose it if I opened my mouth right now, so she went on,

 "It meant nothing. Zayn was freaking out and having his doubts about Ada and... Well, it's hard to explain, but anyways I told him to kiss me, just so he could realize that he feels nothing for me, and it worked. There were absolutely no feelings for either of us. It was really not a big deal."


 Not a big deal? Right, the love of your life is kissing her ex-boyfriend and that's not a big deal, of course, it makes so much sense!

I really didn't know what to say, as I had no idea how I actually felt about this. It sounded innocent, and it was for a "good cause" so to speak but still... She kissed Zayn, and I couldn't help but wonder if it was just to test him, or maybe just as much to test herself. It wasn't a secret that Mag could have feelings she knew nothing about, and it was even less of a secret that I lived in constant fear of this.


 "Louis? Can you please say something, I really can't read your mind, and I need to know if you're okay with this."
I finally looked at her, desperation and regret clear in her eyes and I couldn't bring myself to be mad at her. I just couldn't,

"I... I don't really know how I feel about it to be honest Mag. I'm not happy about it; of course, I'm not but... I'm not really angry either. I guess I'm just a bit uncertain."

The look on her face proved that she had been hoping for a completely different type of answer, but it was the best I could give her now.

 "Uncertain of what?"

 "Of your feelings for me I guess," I replied honestly, but knowing I might be opening up to an ugly discussion.

 "Louis I... I love you, you know that I do."

 "So when you kissed Zayn... You weren't at all worried that you might feel something yourself?"

 The way she looked down and hesitated was enough of an answer for me, and I was about to leave the room, but she pulled me back,
 "I admit, I was afraid... For like a second! But I thought about you the whole time, I barely even noticed when the kiss happened. It's you I love Louis, not Zayn, and it always has been. I don't want to be with anyone else, not Zayn or Calum... I want to be with you."

 "But when?" I asked,
 "I know you need time, you need to feel right about it but... I sometimes think that if you still don't feel right about it now after everything, maybe you never will."

 Mag looked at me a bit shocked, she definitely hadn't seen that coming, but it had been on my mind recently and I just had to get it out.
 "I... I don't know Louis... Maybe you're right; maybe we should just go for it. I just want to make sure that we're doing the right thing."
 I looked her in the eyes and knew that she was being honest. In a way I understood why she would want to wait, but then again if she hadn't changed her mind in the last two months, why would she any time soon?

 "You have until midnight." I told her, leaving the room before I could see her reaction.
I didn't know what would happen now, but I was sure of one thing. I would be entering the New Year with Mag either fully or without her. No in-betweens.


Mag's P.O.V.

 Midnight. I had until midnight.
 At this moment, I had exactly 4 hours to figure out what I wanted to do. I was hardly even paying attention to the party going on, as my mind was fully occupied trying to think of a solution.
 I loved Louis, and a part of me just wanted to finally be with him and thought this whole waiting game was ridiculous! Then there was still the other part telling me that I had to wait. That when the time was right, I would know it and I wouldn't even have to consider.
 I just didn't know which part to listen to and now Louis had given me this ultimatum. What would happen if I weren’t ready to be with him? Would we just go our separate ways, and forget everything about us? That couldn't happen, I couldn't let that happen, but I wasn't going to jump into this just because I was afraid of losing him. If Louis loved me the way that I loved him, he wouldn't be able to walk away from this so easily.

 "Yo Mags!"
 Tally waltzed over to me (yes she literally waltzed as in the dance), with a clearly intoxicated Niall, and threw herself on to the couch, Niall following swiftly.
 "You've been sitting here for ages! This is a party, what's wrong with you?"
 Tally was yelling over the music, but seeing as she was sitting right next to me, it was just a tad too loud.
 "I'm sorry Talls... I've got some stuff on my mind..."
 "Well get it off!" She cut me off,
 "Have some fun, have a drink! Go stand under the mistletoe or something!"
 "I don't want to stand under the mistletoe Tally." I replied with a sigh, thinking of all the horrible things that could happen if I stood there, since Calum was only a few feet away. With Jenna. I know she didn't turn out as bad as I originally thought, but there was still something about her that rubbed me the wrong way.
 "Well then," Tally stood up again, wobbling a bit and grabbed Niall,
 "Someone has got to stand under the mistletoe!"
 She marched over there, and started ceremoniously snogging Niall.
 "As if they need an excuse." I muttered, shaking my head.
 "I know right?"
 I was startled by the voice next to me, causing him to laugh at me.
 "Calum! How did... You were just... What?"
 I wasn't able to complete a sentence, as I was still a bit shocked.
 "Didn't you know Edward Cullen is one of my relatives?" He asked, with a smirk, and I couldn't help but smile.
 That smug bastard! He knew I couldn't resist Twilight references. And smirks.
 Well he probably didn't know about the smirk thing, but honestly, who can resist smirks?
"I'll tell you one thing though, if those two don't stay together forever, I will lose all hope in true love." He said, nodding towards Tally and Niall.
I stared at them, admiring how they made perfection seem so easy. Their relationship had been perfect from go, and they never had problems. They got along so well and it was as if they were one person in two bodies. How could some people have it so easy, while others had to struggle so much? And it wasn't just Tally and Niall. So many people could get together and make it work, so why couldn't I? Had I been a bad person? Did I not deserve to be happy?
 Why was I so messed up?
 Before I knew it, I felt a few tears falling down my cheeks.
 Great, now my makeup would be ruined!
"Mag, what's wrong?" Calum asked concerned scooting closer, but I moved away.
 "Nothing... I just... Excuse me!" I quickly got up and headed to the bathroom, ignoring Calum shouting my name.
 I looked at myself in the mirror, the tears staining my cheeks and I quickly wiped them away. After pulling myself together and refreshing my makeup, I headed out again, bumping into Tally.

 "I'm sorry, Talls! I'm just all over the place right now!" My voice was shaky, and I was worried I would start crying again.
 "Mag, it's okay... Do you wanna talk?" Tally asked, and I looked up at her.
She looked, and sounded, as someone who had sobered up quickly and I noticed Calum talking to Niall.
 Did he tell them what had happened? Did he notice my reaction to watching them and then jump to conclusions?
"Come on!" Tally said strictly and pulled me into my old room.
"Sit!" She demanded patting the bed next to her, and I followed suit.
 "Now tell me what's wrong? Calum said you were looking at Niall and me and then rushed away crying. I doubt our snogging terrified you that much?"
 I chuckled at her slight joke, but then remembered the situation.
What was wrong? Well, where should I even begin?
"Tally... How long have you been in love with Niall?" I asked the first question that popped into my mind, and she looked a bit taken a back but answered quickly,
"Well, I'd say almost a year. The first three times I met Niall were at Eleanor's parties, the last one that you attended. When we went on our first date after that party, almost six months ago, I was already in love with him. The first time I met him, I found him incredibly charming, being loud as fuck, singing old Irish folk songs. The second time I met him, he was really drunk and tried to river dance... You know traditional Irish dancing... Anyways, he tripped on his own shoelace, fell and actually landed in my arms, and when he looked up at me, laughing like a maniac... I was in love. Almost like at first sight, it just hit me."
 She was smiling the biggest smile I had seen on her yet, and I couldn't help but smile at her story, picturing it vividly.
"That's really sweet Talls."
 "But why are you asking?"
 I sighed, thinking if I could take any more of their sugar sweet love story, but decided to go for it,
 "You and Niall... You're always so happy. You seem so perfect for each other and your relationship is like floating on a pink cloud. I just wonder if I'll ever have something as perfect as you guys."
 "Perfect?" Tally looked at me in surprise,
 "Mag... Our relationship is not perfect!"
 "But you guys never have any problems... Just like Lauren and Harry or Liam and..."
 "Let me stop you right there!" She cut me off, laying her hand on my arm,
"Listen to me Mag. No relationships are perfect. Niall and I... We argue. A lot!"
 "But you guys are always so..."
 I nodded, and she shook her head with a smile before going on,
 "That's because we keep our personal problems... private! If we're in public and one of us gets upset, we save it until we're alone. We will argue, lose our temper, yell at each other and yeah Niall can yell! But we don't leave the room, until we're both good again. We never leave each other until we have worked things out, even if we have to stay in our room for a whole day!"
So that's why they randomly disappeared during the tour. The rest of us always thought they were... Well, you know.
"But you guys are like twins! What could you possibly be mad about?" I asked, and she looked at me like I was a naive child,
"It could be anything. Honestly, I've been getting upset lately with everything between you and Louis. Whenever I lose my temper, Niall tries to calm me down but I get angry because he treats me like a child and then we both end up shouting at each other. Other times it can be jealousy because... Well, he's Niall Horan and he likes to "tease" all the fan girls. He can get jealous too of course, I have a couple really good guy friends back at home, and sometimes he doesn't get our inside jokes so that escalates quickly. Sometimes we get mad at each other for stupid things like when one of us makes a snack but only for ourselves and that may seem dumb, but it means a lot to us. What I'm saying is that all couples argue about many different things.
Lauren and Harry argue, not as much as the rest of us actually because they're the fucking personification of "being in love", but they still do.
 Liam and Skye. Well, you know Skye is a cannonball on fire and Liam is about as innocent as Miley Cyrus when it comes to performing and generally doesn't take shit from anyone.
 All of us, all three couples and most couples out there have had times when we thought about ending it! The thing is you and Louis... Your problems have always been out there for everyone to see, mostly because Louis has a love for smashing stuff and you wear your heart on your sleeve.
 The rest of us are able to keep all our problems to ourselves, so no one ever sees the dark side. I'm not saying you and Louis are bad people; you just deal with emotions differently than the rest of us. As to whether you two will work out, well only you know the answer to that.
 Just don't let the idea of perfection keep you away from love, because honey, "perfect" doesn't exist. There's a dark side to everything, just make sure it doesn't blind you from the light."

 Tally patted me on the leg, before leaving me in utter shock.
 Damn. That girl should have a talk show!

 Louis' P.O.V.

Two hours until midnight. Two hours until I was either the happiest man on the earth or the most devastated. I had spent all night, wondering if it was a mistake giving Mag that ultimatum, and avoiding her so she had space to think.
What if she hadn't made up her mind by midnight? Would I be able to deal with the consequences?
Throw away everything we had worked towards? Forget all our memories, and ignore all the wasted time spent on waiting for something that wouldn't be?
 I couldn't do that.
 I guess when I gave Mag until midnight it was because I had to know that she still believed in us.
 That she still believed we could work it out, and be together.
Maybe when we were finally together, the problems would disappear.
 If we were together, neither of us would have to be jealous because... Well, we would know where we stood.
Thinking back, I realized all our problems stemmed from jealousy in one way or another. If we removed that problem, it would be utter bliss.
That's what I wanted Mag to realize, but she had to do it on her own.
 If I just told her all this, she might agree but it would deep down be my idea of things and she would never completely believe it. She had to see it herself, so that she could fully go for it. I just hoped she did in time.

 "Louis!" I heard a familiar voice, and turned to see Jenna with a big smile on her face, and a cute little party hat. I realized that I actually hadn't seen her since that awful night, and everything that had happened since then came flooding through my mind.
 Especially Christmas. I looked at the dog tag around my neck, reading the quote,
 "The course of true love was never easy."
 I smiled slightly as my eyes found Mag, talking to Harry and Lauren while gently, and perhaps subconsciously, touching the necklace I had bought her.
 I snapped back to reality and looked up at Jenna,
 "Hey! Great to see you!"
 "Likewise! How was Australia?" She asked with that sweet smile.
 "Um, great... Warm! Did you have a nice Christmas?"
 "Oh it was absolutely lovely," she replied, with her slight upper-class accent,
 "And happy birthday by the way!" She added, touching my arm innocently.
 At least it seemed innocent to me, but I knew a certain girl who would see it differently, and I discreetly scanned the room for Mag, unable to find her.
 "Excuse me Jenna; I have to go find someone." I smiled at Jenna and walked away quickly, before she had the chance to do anything that might seem wrong.
I looked around, but couldn't see Mag anywhere. This place was packed!
 Why did we have to invite so many people?
 Actually, why did the others have to invite so many people?
 I hadn't really invited anyone, as the only thing on my mind lately was Mag and Zayn, and she was the only person I cared about coming to the party.

 "Harry!" I called out to him, and he pulled his face away from Lauren's, nodding at me as I pushed my way through all the people saying HI’s and hey's on the way.
 "Louis! Great to see you man!" Harry smiled widely at me, giving me a hug, while Lauren was giggling.
 Someone was clearly drunk!
 "Yeah... Enjoying ourselves, are we?" I asked pointing at the cup in his hand, and he looked at it with a serious face and then back to me, before breaking out in a laugh,
 "How on earth did that get there?"
 I sighed impatiently, rolling my eyes.
 "Harry!" Lauren spoke up, still giggling,
 "Don't you remember? You got it from that girl..."
 "What girl?" Harry asked curiously.
 "You know... That girl..." Lauren turned around, looking towards the makeshift bar, but it looked like she didn't know who or what she was looking for, and I noticed Ada had taken on the roll as bartender, Zayn closely by her side with his arms around her waist, kissing her cheek and whispering in her ear, making her smile and blush.
 I couldn't help but feel jealous, wishing it was Mag and I.
 Harry and Lauren both looked at me, completely confused and I sighed deeply,
 "You got your drink from Ada... Look, do you know where Mag went?" I asked, hoping one of them could give me an answer, but seeing, as he didn't even know where he got his drink, that was highly doubtful.
 "Mag?" Harry thought for a second,
 "Oh Mag! She's such a sweet girl!"
 "So sweet!" Lauren added with a nod and an acknowledging smile that would have made me laugh, if I wasn't desperate to find Mag.
 "Yes she is lovely, do you know where she is?"
 Harry pointed to somewhere behind me, and I turned around quickly finding Mag having a slightly heated discussion with none other than Jenna.
 I quickly walked over there, and as soon as Mag saw me, she gave Jenna a look and they both shut up.
 "Ladies." I greeted them, and they both looked at me, one with admiration, the other slightly confused.
 "What's going on here?" I asked, trying to sound casual.
 "We were just catching up." Mag answered quickly, gave me a slight smile, and then walked away.
Well, I guess she needed space to make up her mind then. It just bothered me that her space was now next to Calum.
That bastard. If it weren’t for him coming around, Mag and I would have been it a much better place right now. On the other hand, maybe not?
 Maybe I continually blamed others for our problems, when in reality it was only our fault. When we had problems, we would either run away, or overreact and blow up in each other's faces. Not exactly a healthy relationship, but that was something we could work on. Now that I thought about it, there were many things to work on but aren't all relationships like that? They're never perfect from the start, they take time and I just hoped Mag would think it was worth that time.

 "Louis!" I turned and saw Liam waving me over.
 "Two minutes bro... Nervous?"
 Liam was the only one who knew about the ultimatum I had given Mag. Mostly because all the others were two pissed to even listen or care.
 "If I'm nervous? Well I'm about to find out if the woman I love, who I've spent the last 8 months adoring and pining over, wants to be with me or not. Why would I be nervous?"
 My voice was laced with irony, and he gave me a pat on the shoulder as Skye walked up slinging her arms around his shoulder.
 I looked around me and noticed all the others with their significant others, ready for their midnight kisses.
 Zayn had his arms around Ada's waist, while they looked each other in the eyes.
 Lauren and Harry were also embracing, huge grins on their faces.
 Tally and Niall... Well, they didn't have to wait until midnight, as they were already snogging, like always.
 Calum was talking to one of the twins from their band, but Mag was nowhere to be seen. Neither was Jenna.
 I saw everyone else who was at the party, except those two.
 Then the countdown started.

 10... 9... 8...
 Come on Mag...

 7... 6... 5...
 Where the hell are you?

 4... 3...
 Don't do this to me

 2... 1!

 "Happy New Year!"

 Everyone shouted and people around me connected their lips, promising their love to each other in the New Year... Then I felt a tap on my shoulder and quickly turned around facing her shiny dark hair and sparkling brown eyes.

 "I should have done this a long time ago!" Was all she said before pulling me in, and kissing me with more passion than I had ever felt before.





Sooo, j just to add to the excitement, I chose NOT to write the name of who kissed him, cause you know both Mag AND Jenna have dark hair and brown eyes so, I’ll leave it up to you to guess who it actually was…
Anyways, I would really like to update more often, like I used to once a week but my life is such mess right now. Between school, freetime and personal problems it’s hard to find the time and actually be inspired to write, and sometimes I sit down and start, and then after a few sentences,  I just go completely blank, even though I know what I want to write, I just can’t put word to paper and it’s really frustrating for me too, that it takes me so long to update.. On top of all this, I’m in a horrible situation that (ironically) reminds me of Mag/Louis, and I gotta tell you it is NOT FUN, but I won’t go into detail about that. But adding that to the stress of school, and personal problems in general.. well it gets tough, you know…
Well, I am determined to end this story soon, cause now that we’re past New Year, the last chapters are totally clear, as I have had them planned for like a year! So I will really TRY to update faster, I’ll do my best, and thanks again for the patience and support.
Xoxo, M.


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