Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters


46. 'Loved Who First?'


Hello lovelies.. first of all HAPPY NEW YEAR!! and yh I know it's the 7th today, but it's the first update in the new yeah soo.. I hope you all entered the new year wonderfully and had a great holiday!! :D

second, I'm back on regular Tuesday updates which is why I'm updating today after more than a week, and I've been veeeery excited cus I had this ready on Saturday and I actually really like this chap!! so pleeease remember to

commeeeent!!!! I means a lot ;)

Lots of love & Enjoy, xoxo M. ;)





Chapter 40


"Loved Who First?"


Mag's P.O.V.

I stood in the kitchen for quite a while, talking to a few different people, trying to get my mind off Louis.

I honestly had no idea if I did like him, but Tally seemed so sure and was so convincing. Sometimes it was obvious to other people, what you couldn't see yourself, but I didn't want to have feelings for Louis, for several different reasons.

1. I didn't know how he felt about me

2. I didn't want anything to change from the amazing friendship we had

3. I wasn't ready for a relationship just yet

And finally, but most importantly,

4. He was my ex-boyfriend's best friend.

It had only been a month, and if I got involved with Louis, it would be totally inconsiderate, to say the least, towards Zayn. Not to mention, pretty awkward since we were on tour and always together. The furthest Zayn could get from us was if he went out during our short free time at different cities.


No, it was out of the question to have feelings for Louis. Tally probably just saw what she wanted to see, and she wanted all of us to be in a relationship.

Preferably together!

I decided to go join the party again, and I left the kitchen, stopping dead in my track.

Louis was on the "dancefloor" kissing that girl.

I stood there frozen, unable to move, unable to speak, unable to remove my eyes from the sight in front of me.

This shouldn't be annoying me. The way they stood so close, the way his hands were wrapped around her and hers around him, the way they were kissing so intensely for so long. It was all too much, and I rushed towards the door finding myself out on the stairs again.


Right about now, would be a great time for a cigarette and I searched frantically in my bag, for my backup pack, unsucceeding.

"Damn it!" I exclaimed throwing my bag down next to me.

"Looking for something?" I jumped at the sound of someone's voice and turned around to see Zayn, standing by the door behind me.

"Oh... Hi." I said, not quite sure what to do.

We had barely talked since the breakup, but I had noticed he was getting better, since he got his mystery tattoo. Maybe he was ready for us to be friends again. I really hoped so.


"What's up?" He asked, sitting down next to me, the same way Louis did, just a couple hours ago.

"Not much really," I replied watching him as he lit a cigarette, "um... Can I have one?" I asked, and he looked at me, a bit surprised before he finally reached for the pack next to him, and fished one out for me.

"Thanks." I said quietly, lighting my cigarette, and inhaling deeply, suddenly feeling more at ease.

"You quitted smoking." He said, as more of a statement than a question, and I rolled my eyes feeling annoyed.

I was a grown woman, and if I wanted to smoke, I would.

"Well maybe I've taken it up again." I snapped, and noticed the hurt in his eyes. I shouldn't be so harsh with him, it wasn't his fault that I was upset.

I shouldn't even be upset. Louis could kiss whoever he wanted, it was none of my business.

"Sorry... I don't know what got into me." I apologized and Zayn gave me a slight smile.

"It's fine. I would probably be upset too..." He drifted off, and I looked with him with a mixture of confusion and nervousness. He didn't mean, what I think he did, right?

"W-what do you...?"

He cut me off,

"Well you know. If I saw someone I liked kissing someone else..." He drifted off again, and my eyes widened.

He knew? No wait, there wasn't anything to know!

"I... I don't like..."

"Mag it's okay really. You don't have to hide anything from me."

The undertone in his voice was so clear, he couldn't have said it louder, if he shouted.

But I just didn't get it! Did I have feelings for Louis, that everyone else could see, except myself? And was Zayn really fine with it?

"I don't like Louis in that way." I continued, refusing to just accept what everyone thought.

Zayn sighed deeply, and looked away as he replied,

"Let me tell you something Mag, something I've never told anyone. Do you remember the first time we all went out together? You know the time, Georgina confronted you?"

I nodded wondering where this was going.

"Do you remember that you and Louis... Kissed?"

I jumped up from the mere shock of what he said.

"What?! You... You knew all this time?!"

I couldn't believe it!

He nodded staring straight ahead, and I was speechless.

He knew all along! Yet he never said anything?

"But... Why... How...?"

"Sit down Mag." He said calmly, and I nervously sat down next to him, as he went on,

"I saw you two, and the reason why I didn't say anything, well first of all we weren't together and secondly I realized the next few days that it obviously didn't mean anything, well at least not to you so I just let it go as a drunken mistake... from your part at least.

My point is that when I saw you two, I froze up. Everything inside me was burning, and I couldn't keep my eyes away. When I finally moved again, I went straight for the bar, and then for my cigarettes."

I was still recovering from the fact that he knew about the kiss, so I didn't even notice where he was taking this,


"Let me tell you what I just witnessed. You came out from the kitchen, and saw Louis kissing that girl... You froze up, and you couldn't remove your eyes from them, but when you did you didn't go for a drink. Only because you can't drink tonight, since you're driving, so instead you came out here in search for the next best thing."

He nodded down at the cigarette between my fingers, that suddenly felt incredibly heavy.

"When I saw you two, I reacted in that way because I was madly in love with you. The sight of you kissing someone else, stabbed at my heart again and again. Now you tell me, that you don't like Louis, after I just saw you reacting to that kiss in the exact same way!"

I was lost for words. It was all too much information at once. So what did I do? The only thing I was good at, when I couldn't comprehend anything at all.


I broke into tears.


Apparently Zayn had not expected that, since I sensed his surprise as he threw his cigarette, and took me in his arms.

"Hey... Don't cry. I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you sad." He said with the softest voice ever, and as much as I was over him, it still touched my heart.

"No you don't understand," I sobbed trying to control my breathing, "I don't want to be having these feelings. I don't want to be annoyed when Louis kisses someone! I don't know what I even feel, but Louis is my best friend. Not someone, I should be... falling in love with."

Suddenly my tears stopped, and I sat up straight again, as Zayn removed his arms.

"You really are falling in love with him?" He asked, his voice dark and his eyes glazing over as he looked away.

"I... I'm not sure..." I replied drifting off, although I was completely sure now.

I was falling in love with my best friend, and he probably didn't feel the same. The tables had definitely turned.

"How... um... how long do you think these feelings have been building up?" Zayn asked, avoiding any type of contact, both eye and body.

What was he talking about?

Did he think, I had feelings for Louis when we were together?

"Quite a while."

Whoa, where did that come from?

Zayn kept staring into nothing, and nodded slightly before saying,

"Well... I honestly don't know how Louis feels about you. But if I liked someone, I wouldn't go get drunk and kiss other girls at parties, but I can't really speak for anyone else can I?"


I didn't how to react to what he said.

He basically told me, indirectly, that Louis didn't like me since he was kissing that girl, but I had figured that much.

This is why, I didn't want to have feelings for Louis in the first place!

The problem is now I knew he didn't have feelings for me, but I was almost sure that I was in love with him, and I couldn't ignore it anymore.

"It's his loss. He doesn't know what he's missing." Zayn suddenly said giving me a small smile, his gaze so intense, it burned my eyes.

I looked at him for a while, before leaning in and giving him a quick peck on the cheek, clearly taking him by surprise.

"Hey, let's go back in and I'll make you a Sex On The Beach." He offered getting up and reaching his hand out for me.

"My favorite drink." I replied with a smile, taking his hand, helping myself up.

"I remembered."

"As tempting as it is, I can't. I'm driving tonight." I said, starting to regret that I offered being the driver.

"It's alright, I'll drive. I'm pretty sober now and we're not leaving anytime soon. I'll stay clean."

The way he said it with the twinkle in his eyes made me weak in the knees, and yeah I definitely needed a drink.

"In that case, get mixing bartender!" I said, and he chuckled as we went back in.


Harry's P.O.V.

I was dancing with Lauren, having a great time, until I looked to my right and saw Louis kissing, well almost snogging, that Stella girl!

What the hell?

I excused myself from Lauren, and walked over to them, tapping him on the shoulder.

He pulled his face away from Stella, and looked at me with a cheeky, and obviously drunk, smile.

"Harry! How are you man?" He said giving me a hug and I pushed him away,

"Great Lou, can I have a word?"

"Suure, we'll find a dictionary and you can have all the words you want! Hey, dictionary is a funny word init?"

I rolled my eyes, as he stood there, repeating the word 'dictionary' over and over again.


I'm not quite sure why, but everytime Louis would get this pissed, I would start to sober up. Probably from when I had the need to take care of him.

Why did I still have to feel protective of him, when we weren't a thing anymore? Why couldn't I stay pleasently drunk and let him wallow in his own drunken mistakes?


Before I could say anymore, Tally walked up looking furious, and grabbed him by the ear, into Niall's room and I quickly followed.

"OW! What the fuck is going on?" Louis whined as she slammed the door and let him go, pushing him over and he stumbled a bit before sitting on the bed.

"Why are you such a bully, Tally? Maybe we should start calling you Tully?" He said with a goofy smile, and she glared daggers at him, stepping closer,

"I would lay off the sass if I were you, Louis! I am this close to slapping you across the face, and believe me, I won't regret it one bit!"

Louis instantly shut up, and looked at us impatiently,

"Well why did you drag me in here? I was having a great time with Sophie!"

"That's not even her name!" I almost shouted crossing my arms, causing him to roll his eyes.

For the oldest one of us, he sure was childish!

"What the fuck were you thinking Louis? You came to me, desperate for help, and you got me to go along with your little plan. The whole thing with getting her to sing karaoke and loosen up and then ask her about her feelings... Why the hell did I put all that effort in, when you're going and kissing a random girl?!"

Tally shouted at Louis, while he just sat there totally unphased. I knew that when he was this drunk, there was no way of having a sensible conversation with him.

"Oh c'mon, I was just having some fun..."

"You were just being a jerk!" Tally cut him off,

"Because to me, when a guy says that he likes a girl, and is 'dying to find out how she feels' and then starts snogging the first girl that throws herself at him, who he won't even remember in the morning... Yeah that's what I call a jerk!"

Louis smirked, and I knew that whatever he was going to say, she would not be pleased.

"Well Tally, you've heard us say it before 'tonight let's get some', what do you think we were talking about? Some snacks maybe?"

My jaw dropped, and Tally's face went from red to purple, and I actually thought she would pound him, but surprisingly she took a deep breath.

"Just go! Go out to Stella, and do whatever the hell you want... But when this all comes back to slap you in the face, don't come to me for help!"

Tally pointed towards the door, and Louis shrugged before getting up and walking out the door.

I saw him grab another beer, before the door slammed shut, and I could almost see the steam coming out of Tally's ears.


"That boy!" She said through clenched teeth, looking like she could trash the room.

"Yeah... I really thought he was done for it after that last comment!" I said, and Tally scoffed,

"I wanted to, believe me! But Niall and I have been discussing my 'anger issues', as he calls it. I mean come on, so I may be a bit aggresive some times, and I may have a bad temper and shout now and then, but I'm just expressing my feelings. It's better than keeping them in."

I nodded in agreement, and decided to ask something, I had been curious about for a long time,

"So Tally... Did you find out if Mag has feelings for him or not?"

Tally let out a deep sigh, and I felt a long explanation coming,

"I'm pretty sure she does, but she's having a hard time accepting it, especially because she has no idea how Louis feels. I think she's a bit afraid of rushing things and getting hurt, like with Zayn, and now when she saw Louis kissing Stella..."

"She saw them?" I asked.

This could get ugly!

"Yeah and then she ran out. The thing that really bothers me is that if I hadn't gone along with Louis' stupid plan, if I hadn't got her to think about her feelings she probably wouldn't have noticed them.

Then she wouldn't have cared about Louis kissing someone. I saw the look in her eyes Harry. She's way deeper than she thinks, even deeper than I thought."

Tally looked me in the eyes as I thought about what she said.

"What, do you think that she...?" I drifted off, as she nodded,

"I think she loves him."


Zayn's P.O.V.


I mixed a couple drinks for Mag and we talked randomly for a while, before she went to socialize with Liam and the rest. Niall and Tally were deep in conversation and Tally seemed upset. Harry and Lauren were talking with Liam, Skye and a few others. Louis was somewhere with Stella, I assumed the kitchen, and I was left on my own again.



I thought about calling Ada, she would have been back from the movies now, but it was around 2 AM, so she would probably be sleeping.

I looked over at Mag, and noticed the sadness in her eyes behind the smile. It wasn't fair!

She was in love with Louis, and he didn't even care. Well he probably did, I knew he had feelings for her and that's why he got so drunk, but it was better for her to think he didn't so she could get over her own feelings. He didn't deserve to be with her.

I did feel a bit guilty about lying to her when I told her that I didn't know how he felt, but what else could I do? I still loved her and she said she had been falling in love with him for "quite a while"?

What was that suppossed to mean?

Was she falling for him, back when we were together?

Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself, were just my imagination, actually were real?


The way they looked at each other when they joked around, the smile that was constantly on her face when he was around, the way she looked at him when she thought no one would notice.

Subconciously she could have been falling for him the whole time, and it just wasn't fair!

I was the one who saw her, who introduced her to the rest. I was the one who felt the connection, and the need to talk to her when I first saw her. I loved her first. Not Louis!


It should be me who was spending all the time with her, who was having fun with her and who made her laugh and smile.

It shouldn't be me who comforted her, when she was upset because she fell in love with a... A... Heartbreaker! Yes, he was a heartbreaker.

He broke Harry's heart, because he couldn't sort out his feelings. Now he was breaking Mag's heart, again because he couldn't deal with his feelings and got drunk instead! Damn it, he even broke Hannah's heart, when he fell in love with Harry during X-Factor.

He even hid it from her for several months!

But Hannah wasn't the point and neither was Harry.

If he really liked Mag so much why couldn't he just tell her, instead of doing something stupid like kissing another girl?

That is exactly why, he didn't deserve her, and why I let her believe that he didn't have feelings for her.

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.

She would joke about being a so-called "Louis girl" before she met me, but what if that never really changed?

I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first.


* * *


Louis' P.O.V.


I woke up with the worst hangover known to man, and cursed myself for forgetting to close the curtains, now that the sunshine was brutally mudering me.

At least I didn't have anywhere to be today. Liam was having his family party which Skye would be at, and we weren't leaving until tomorrow, so I could stay in bed all day if I pleased. Besides Harry was spending the day with Lauren before she went back to Manchester, Tally was dragging Niall along to Liam's party, and Zayn would probably be mending his hangover. Was he even drunk last night?

Probably, since Mag had agreed to be the driver. Maybe she was up and we could go out somewhere today. Then I could catch up on what happened last night, since I didn't remember anything after her singing karaoke. I don't even know if I ever got around to ask Tally, about how the plan worked out.


I reluctantly got out of bed and took a quick shower before walking out to the kitchen, with only a towel wrapped around my waist.

Surprisingly, Zayn was already up and eating breakfast while texting on his phone. He was always texting one of these days.

"Morning Bradford." I greeted while putting on water for tea.

"Good morning Louis, how you doing this fine day?" He replied way too cheerfully, for someone who should be hungover.

"Obviously worse than you. Did you not drink last night?" I asked, and he looked at me confused, then thoughtfully and finally he smirked,

"You don't remember last night?"

"Nothing after Mag was singing with Skye." I replied, hoping he would enlighten me, which he did after a couple minutes of silence,

"Well, shortly after that I decided to take over as driver and stayed clean, so Mag could have a drink or two... or seven or eight."

My eyes widened,

"She drank that much? But why the sudden change of mind?" I asked curiously.

Mag had seemed so sure that she wouldn't drink, so it was weird how that had changed drastically.

"Tell you what... Why don't you ask her, when she wakes up? She's probably just as hungover as you are though." He replied, heading towards the door.

"Where you going?"

"Home. I just crashed here, cause I was driving Harry's car, but I called a taxi and I think it's arrived."

He gave me a small wave, and he left just as my water started to boil.


Zayn had acted quite strange, especially when answering my questions, but I really didn't want to think about anything.

I popped a couple aspirins and downed a large glass of water, just as I heard the guestroom door open, and I turned around smiling at the sight in front of me.

Mag was standing in her white pajamapants, huge black t-shirt, hair a total mess and her eyes barely open.


"Wow, you look awful!" I said jokingly (she was actually adorable), like I usually would but instead of laughing and throwing back a equally rude comment, she just glared at me and walked right past me, to grab the bottle of aspirins.

"Um... I was going to make breakfast, do you want some?" I offered, which was unusual seeing as I never cooked, but without a word she pointedly grabbed a box of cereal from the cupboard.

I watched her as she silently, but somewhat upset, took out milk, a bowl and spoon and sat down by the table with her breakfast, not once looking at me, talking to me or acknowleding my existence in any way.

"Uh, was it something I said?" I asked and she scoffed, still not looking at me.

"No Louis, it was not something you said!"


Whoa, what was going on?

"Have I done something to upset you?"

Clearly not the right question to ask, as she glared at me for what seemed like forever, before grabbing her bowl and walking off to her room, slamming the door.

What the hell did I do?


It took me only ten seconds, before I walked over to the room, barging in without knocking.

"What's wrong?" I asked, with a soft voice not wanting to upset her even more.


"You can't fool me, you do know that right?" I replied sitting next to her.

"I'm eating, Louis."

She hardly ever called me Louis, only Lou. Now I knew something was wrong.

"Tell me what your problem is, and I'll you eat in peace."

"I can't because I don't have a problem."

I rolled my eyes at her stuborness.

"Do you want to hang out today? We can see a movie or something?" I asked, not wanting to push the subject of her foul mood anymore.

"I have plans," she replied and hesitated before adding, "with Zayn."

"What?!" I couldn't help but raise my voice.

Why the hell was she going out with him?

"What, is that a problem?" She asked with a glare.

"I think it's a good idea that we regain our friendship, everything will be better."

I felt my insides burning. He didn't just want to be friends again.

"So it's just a friendly date? Nothing else?" I asked, through my teeth.

"Of course, it's not even a date. And even if it was more than friendly... What do you care?"

She looked me dead in the eyes, and I swear it felt like she could see right through me.

"I don't... Well, I do... I just don't want to see you get hurt." I replied truthfully, wanting to say a whole lot more.

"You don't... You don't want to see me hurt," she said, more to herself than as a question to me and then went on,

"Well Zayn can't hurt me, since we're only friends. People who are only friends can't hurt each other's feelings. Just like me and you, right? We're only friends."

She said the last in a low voice, and I thought about what she said. She had no idea, how much she had hurt me by saying those words, but I knew it all along. We would never be more than friends, why try to fool myself.

"I just want to be sure. He hurt you pretty bad." I said, pushing my other thoughts aside.

"Yeah well I don't have feelings for him anymore, and you don't have to worry about Zayn hurting me anymore." She replied, emphasizing the words him and Zayn, as if she was hinting that someone else would, or had hurt her.

I just had no idea who.


I turned to leave but her voice stopped me,


I turned around to face her, and she looked down nervously,

"Can I ask you a question?"

I nodded and stepped closer, as she went on,

"This is totally hypothetical but... If someone did something hurtful, but were unaware of it because they were drunk or unknowing of how you would feel about it... Would it be reasonable to hold it against them?"

I was surprised and confused by her question.

"Um... I don't know, I guess it depends how the situation?" I looked at her for more of an explanation.

"Well let's say, and this is just an example from the top of my head. If A has feelings for B, but B has no idea and B gets really drunk and kisses someone, should A be mad about it?"

Where was all this suddenly coming from?

I thought about her strange question for a while, before I answered,

"I don't think that would be fair. B has no idea about A's feelings, plus B is really drunk. Usually being drunk isn't an excuse, but if you don't know how someone feels, it's not really your fault is it?"


Mag looked thoughtful for a minute, staring at the wall with furrowed eyebrows, and I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her forever.

"Yeah... Yeah I guess you're right." She finally said in a whisper looking down, and it looked like she was on the verge of tears.

"Did I say something wrong?"

She shook her head, probably worried that her voice would betray her. I knew the feeling well enough, to recognize it anytime.

"Tell me." I demanded, my voice harsh but soft at the same time, wanting to comfort her, but needing to know why.

"You wouldn't understand."

Her voice was barely a whisper, and I knew she was so close to crying, but I wasn't about to give up.

"Try me."

She continued to stare at the floor, and said something to low for me to hear.

"Sorry, I didn't catch that?" I said, leaning closer to her.

She let out a deep sigh,

"I'm a..."

I looked at her confused,

"You're a what?"

She shook her head, and looked up, but not daring to look at me,

"No Louis, I'm A."


It took me a while to process what she had said, and then it finally hit me,

"Oh, you mean in the... Hypothetical example thing..."

She nodded and bit down on her lip to prevent the tears.

"Oh." I said again, as I discovered. seriousness of the situation.

So Mag had feelings for someone, who didn't know about it, and that someone got really drunk, and kissed another girl.


So this must have occured last night, and it must be someone from the group, because she had feelings for the person.

It must have been Zayn, cause it couldn't be any of the other three, right?

But wait... Zayn had just told me that he hardly drank last night... But that would mean...




sooo, who do you think Mag loved first???? ;)

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