Loved You First

"Was it possible that all the signs, I had convinced myself were just my imagination, actually were real?

I just couldn't help but wonder how long she'd had feelings for him, even if they were subconcious.
I was sure that I loved her first, but at this point I actually didn't know who she loved first."

*WARNING*
A few slightly sexual references (not smut, I don't do that)
A few slightly violent scenes
Use of strong language at times
SELF-HARM references in a couple of chapters

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71. 'Love'

A/N

Heey SORRY for the late update, I promise to be better and update by monday/tuesday again :) anyways guess who's baack? HARRY NIALL & ZAYN P.O.V.'s yaaay!! pleease comment, they make me so happy!!

Enjoy, xoxo M. ;)

Chapter 63

"Love"

Zayn's P.O.V.

"Wow." I exclaimed, after Liam had told us about his recent phone conversation with Skye. Louis and Mag were in a serious situation and I had no idea how they were going to work their way out of this one. Liam's details on some of Louis' outburts was proof that alcohol mixed with Louis' anger issues was a terrible idea. I could hardly believe some of the things Louis supposedly said to Mag and Skye.

"Do you think that's what they're talking about?" Niall asked, nodding towards the door of which Harry and Louis were on the other side.

"Probably." Liam replied looking very upset, but I would be to if Louis had talked crap to my girlfriend, no matter how drunk he was.

I'm not saying that the girls were innocent here, according to Liam they were all cursing back and forth, but apparently Louis had been the one who started with the attitude.

I wondered how Mag was feeling right now, and I couldn't help but wonder if Louis had actually slept with that Jenna girl or just slept over. He sounded like he didn't really know himself. I then thought of how Louis would take this whole thing. The last thing we needed was another Louis depression.

All of us were sorting out our lifes and relationships but the Mag and Louis situation was constantly blowing up. But they never really let each other go. It was like they were doomed to fight and make up, fight and make up for all eternity without really getting anywhere. I guess they really did love each other, which is why they couldn't let go, but apparently the love wasn't strong enough to keep them from fighting.

Another thing that worried me was Christmas. Would it really be as awkward as the others made it sound, if I had both Mag and Ada over? Even though Mag was over me, I realized it would probably not be very fun for her, because I would be giving Ada all my attention. But where else could she go?

Liam was meeting Skye at her place on the 23rd but they would be going to her family early on the 24th. Niall and Tally would both be in Ireland until the 30th, and Harry and Lauren weren't going to London before that day either. If Mag couldn't stay with either me or Louis she would be alone from the 24th to the 27th when at least Ada and I were returning to London. Noone should have to be alone during Christmas.

The door opened and an upset looking Harry walked in followed by a grave looking Louis. He took one look at our expressions, and it was clear he knew that we knew about the recent events. Skye filled Liam in on everything since Mag arrived there, and Liam always filled us in. In other words, Skye was our major connection to Mag.

"Liam," Louis said walking over to him and sitting down in front of him,

"I feel like I owe you an apology... you know, for the things I said to Skye. She's your girlfriend and has been a big help lately. I didn't mean anything I said... I hope you can forgive me?"

Liam studied Louis for a while with furrowed eyebrows, until his expression softened,

"I will always forgive you Louis... you're my brother. That doesn't mean I'm okay with what you did though, and even if I forgive you, I can't speak for my girlfriend or Mag."

"I know," Louis replied lowering his head, "I don't even know if I expect her to ever forgive me."

We were all silent for a while, until Niall spoke in an unusually serious voice,

"This changes everything... doesn't it?"

***

I had made up my mind. I had to call Mag. I had to find out how she was doing, what she was thinking and build up the courage to tell her about Ada and Christmas. I knew she wouldn't be upset about me having a girlfriend, but finding out about Christmas right after all this with Louis... it wouldn't be easy. Of course I had considered just cancelling on Ada, but doing that because of my ex-girlfriend just didn't look good at all.

I lied down on my bed in my singleroom, and dialled her number, expecting the worst and hoping for the best.

***

Harry's P.O.V.

I'm not going to lie, I was really pissed off at Louis. He had been a real prick, but at the same time I needed to comfort my best friend and prevent him from falling into depression again. It wasn't easy.

Things with Louis had never been easy, but this was totally different. He had always been difficult to deal with, because he was a little rebel at heart but we usually had a laugh about the things he did. Then there were his anger issues that only the boys and the crew knew about. He was so perfect at disguising it, always been so cheerful and sassy in public, but the rest of us knew better.

But like I said, it was different this time. It was like his temper was much worse and easier to ignite. Before, we could tell when we had to tread lightly around him, but now we never knew when he would blow up, and his outbursts were worse and more unpredictable. If it continued to go downhill like this, I wouldn't even know how to help him anymore.

I left Louis safely with Niall, since Liam still seemed to be in a foul mood, and went to the private lounge downstairs to call Lauren. I needed to get all the drama off my mind, and just listen to her voice.

"Harry?" Lauren's voice was tired and confused and I just then remembered the time-difference and mentally slapped myself,

"Oh I'm sorry love, were you sleeping? I can call later if you want."

"No... no it's alright, we can talk... I talked to Skye earlier today."

So she knew about the Louis situation. Skye could seriously have her own tv-show the way she broadcasted news. At least it was only amongst friends and not to the public or unreliable people.

"Yeah, I really don't want to talk about that right now. I just want to talk to you." I said, missing her even more as the words left my mouth. I had no idea, how I had actually managed it this long.

"So you call me at 2AM just to talk to me?"

"In my defence it's already 11AM over here." I told her matter-of-factly and I heard her scoff loudly,

"And it didn't occur to you to even consider the different timezones?"

"Hey... I forgot, okay? Anyways I know you already got my present, so I went out and got something for you!" I said with a big grin, thinking about her present.

"In Australia?" She asked surprised, "Please tell me it's not like a baby crocodile or something like that!"

"What do you think I'm Hagrid or something?" I replied, laughing at her comment.

"First of all, that Harry Potter reference was so uncalled for, second Hagrid was into dragons!"

I couldn't help but smile at our conversation. They always took these weird turns and somehow always ended up with Lauren's first-of-all-lists.

"Anyways," I went on,

"I didn't get you anything with a heartbeat, but it's something that will... touch your heart."

"Well don't tell me too much." She said sarcastically.

"So hows the schedule again?" She asked.

"I'm going straight home from here, and then I'll meet you at your parents on the 25th and we're going to London on the 30th and spending New Years with the others. We're throwing a big party this year!" I said with excitement. New Years was going to be incredible, especially with Lauren by my side. My feelings for her were getting stronger by the day, and I was even starting to consider the L-word, but I didn't want to scare her away.

"Sounds great love. I'm going to sleep again now, if that's alright with you."

"Sure... Goodnight baby."

"Goodnight Harry."

"And Lauren?"

"Yeah?"

I hesitated biting my lip,

"I... I lo... I miss you a lot."

"Miss you too babe, bye!" I could hear the smile in her voice, and stared at my phone after she hung up.

I wasn't ready to say I love you, and I didn't want the first time to be over the phone. It had to be special. After all she was the only person, besides Louis, and the first girl I had these sort of feelings for and I didn't want to blow it after only a few months.

I took the elevator upstairs again, Lauren on my mind the whole time.

I was so caught up in my thoughts, that I bumped into Tally who just came out from her and Niall's room.

"Oh Tally, I'm so sorry, I didn't..."

"Where is he?!" She cut me off, practically yelling at me, eyes ignited with anger.

"Who?"

"I just woke up, alone thanks to you, and with this text from Skye!"

Skye again? Well we all expected her to keep us up to date, and Tally could get furious if she was left out, and furious Tally was scary as hell. Kind of like now. She handed me her phone, and I read it quickly,

"They've done it again! I'm not sure if it's able to be fixed. Louis left Mag in a horrible state, she's not leaving her room!"

Oh no.

"Is he in there?" Tally asked, glaring towards Liam and I's room, but before I could respond Tally marched towards and I quickly tapped out a text to Niall,

"Tally coming! Code red!"

Just as it was sent, Tally barged through the door, and walked straight up to Louis and Niall on the couch,

"What did you do Tomlinson?!"

Niall's P.O.V.

I was trying to comfort Louis, when my phone vibrated but before I could check, Tally slammed the door open and walked up to us,

"What did you do Tomlinson?!"

I quickly jumped to my feet laying a hand on her shoulder,

"Tally..."

She cut me off,

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Babe, calm down..." I tried to whisper soothingly in her ear.

I could see Louis' face getting redder and if she continued to push him he would blow up, start yelling and then most likely throw himself into the depths of depression. Coming fresh off the battlefield, he needed to be comforted at the moment, we had learnt this much by now. Except for Tally.

"Can't you go a single fucking week without fucking things up? Is it really..."

I stepped in front of my girlfriend, looking her deeply in her eyes,

"Tally... please cupcake?" I spoke with the sweetest voice I could muster, smiling slightly and saw her features instantly soften. I always knew how to get to her.

She kept her eyes locked on mine, taking deep breaths just as I had taught her when her anger was getting the best of her. If only someone could figure out how to help Louis in that way.

Once Tally was calmer, I turned to face Louis whose face was still red, nostrils flaring, jaws tensed and grinding his teeth. Harry quickly walked over to him, leaning down and whispering something in his ear. Louis' features only softened a tiny bit, but he still followed Harry to his bedroom and I let out a sigh of relief, plumping onto the couch followed by Tally.

"What happened?" She asked crossing her arms, staring straight ahead.

I told her everything I had heard from Liam, leaving out insignificant details on some of the words Louis had used. Tally did not need anymore fuel to her fire.

As bubbly and playful as she could be, she could go from laughing to scolding with a bat of the eye. Her bad temper and fighting side filled just as much of her personality as her happy-go-lucky side. But I loved her unconditionally. I put up with her small faults, because her good traits were so much better than her faults were bad.

The more I had got to know her, during the first couple months of our relationship, the more I was convinced that we were destined to be together. Already from our first times together, we were practically "attached by the hip" as Harry said. We just had this connection, that could only be described as soulmates.

"This is so ridiculous!" Tally exclaimed, bringing me back to reality,

"They're always having problems! Why can't they just talk their way through things like everyone else?"

"Because they're both insecure and cowards!" Liam's voice sounded suddenly, as he appeared from the hallway.

"They'd rather believe that the other wants someone better, insecurity, and they're too afraid of rejection to actually have a proper conversation about it, cowards." He sighed, removing his snapback and rubbing his neck with his eyes closed. This whole thing was clearly stressing him out.

"We should never have told him to go to England." Tally said with a frown.

"If he hadn't he would still have been stuck in his depression!" Liam replied.

"He's on his way there again anyways!" Tally raised her voice, and I shushed her nodding towards the room where Harry and Louis were.

"Listen, as long as we keep an eye on him, never leaving him alone and talking with him, he should be fine." I assured them, and Liam groaned,

"Why do we always have to babysit him? He's the oldest of us, yet he's always the one in trouble!"

"Liam, he's your best friend!" Tally said, clearly upset at Liam's words.

"So does that mean I can't get angry with him? He has been nothing but complications lately, and it can't go on forever. At some point he will have to get over it!"

I knew Liam was still upset because of how Louis acted towards Skye, but he made a good point. Maybe Mag and Louis just weren't meant to be, maybe that's why they had so many problems. The rest of us didn't have those kind of problems in our relationships.

Of course relationships aren't perfect, and there are always fights, but with Mag and Louis it was pretty much only fights. Ever since he had declared his love for her, they had been running into trouble, and that's not how love is suppossed to be.

Mag's P.O.V.

"You need to get laid."

I turned to Skye with wide eyes, not quite sure if I had heard her right.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, you need to get laid!" She repeated slowly, as if talking to an old person.

"What? Why... what are you talking about?" I asked, totally confused about where this was coming from.

I had just gone into the kitchen to fetch a Ben&Jerrys, but Skye had sat me down in the livingroom forcing me to watch Wipe Out with her, and now this?

"When was the last time you had sex?"

I stared at her in shock, knowing that she was anything but innocent, but this was very blunt even for her.

"Honey, if you have to think about it, it's been too long." She said and I realized I had been quiet for a while.

I had been thinking about Chris. He was the last person I had been with, and that was over a year ago but was that really so bad? I may have moved on emotionally, still feeling slightly guilty about that, but to sleep with another man? Even after all this time, it would feel like cheating on him but Zayn was still the only person who knew about my late husband.

"Didn't you ever go there with Zayn?" Skye continued.

"We never got that far."

Now it was Skye's turn to look shocked,

"Okay Mag, I know you're not a virgin so I don't get it. You were in a steady relationship with Zayn for like three months, sharing a room with him most of the time, and you didn't even try to get with that?"

I raised an eyebrow at Skye, for referring to Zayn in that way, and then something else popped into my mind,

"Have you and Liam?"

Skye smirked, cheeks turning red but definitely not because she was embarressed,

"Despite the fact that Liam and I have been apart most of our relationship, we found the time to value the good things in life."

I rolled my eyes at the way she talked,

"So you did?"

"Mag, babe... He is Liam Payne... Need I say more?"

Apparently she didn't as I found myself shaking my head to get rid of images I really shouldn't be having.

"But Skye, I'm not just gonna go sleep with some random guy!" I protested returning to the original content of our conversation.

"Having a single one-night-stand will not kill you! You're twenty years old, it's what we do!"

"Have you ever had one?" I asked, truly curious.

"No... but still..."

"But what? I can't be intimate with someone, when I'm in love with someone else."

I didn't mean to say it, but what was the point in denying? Of course I was still in love with Louis. Of course I still loved him with all my heart, so much that it made my stomach do somersaults when I thought about him, and my chest hurt when I remembered the recent events.

I could write a book, just describing how much I loved and adored every single thing about him. To me, Louis was the definition of perfection, even with his two small flaws: jealousy and anger. I could spend all day just looking into those blue eyes of his, studying his bright smile, and his perfect hair no matter how he did it. Even his eyebrows were perfect! And don't even get me started on his personality.

Louis was my sun and my moon, the light of my life. But he was also my stormy weather, who could push me as far down as he could lift me up. He was my whole world because the world is both light and dark, sunny and rainy.

Even after the way he acted, the things he called me, I just couldn't stop loving him. Even if he did sleep with Jenna... I would forgive him in a heartbeat, if he asked for forgiveness, simply because I didn't want to lose him. Not that I ever really had him. This was all my fault, because of my stupid choice to "wait and see" about our relationship.

What was going to happen with us now? Was there even an "us" anymore? I almost started to cry, considering that Louis and I were totally finished. I just wished I knew what he was thinking. What if he hated me now? What if he considered us done? Damn it, I still loved him so bad!

"Mag you're ringing." Skye said, and I looked at her weirdly,

"What's that suppossed to mean?" I asked, thinking that she was speaking in code, but she pointed at my phone that was vibrating on the table.

I picked it up to check the caller-ID.

Zayn. Should I pick up? Was he with Louis? What if he had really bad news? My hand had started to shake, and I finally took a deep breath and slid my thumb across the screen,

"H-hello?"

***

soo btw Mag's feeling are real cus thats EXACTLY how I feel about Louis, I really do love him I know I'm pathetic :) alo Idk abt the name of this chap, I couldn't think of anything bettet! well COMMENT!! I love ur comments especially when u guess what's gonna happen ;) like&fave babes!! love ya lots!

xoxo, M. ;)

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